Tuesday, March 11, 2014

246.

I feel like if I don't write this down, I'll forget about it.

Last night I had the weirdest dream. I know I've had some pretty crazy dreams in the past but this one of all dreams felt differently. It has left this piercing feeling in my heart that I'm not sure I can get over. Just the whole feel of the dream was overwhelming and now truly analyzing it has so many meanings to me.

Dreaming is always weird to me. The dreams I remember are the most haunting dreams. The ones that are always grey and blue in color, like a storm that has just passed and you can still feel that lingering crisp air of the rain. I can feel the chilling wind that's cold enough to seep through your bones but never cold enough to knock you down.

I don't even remember how it started. All I can remember is the colors, the feel, and being outside of my deserted old home on 246.

Little back story on that house. I loved that house. Which is crazy because I always felt that the house was huge. When I went back a few years ago before we sold it, it was so small. I remember running all over that whole house and then being grown up it just seemed so small. I spent some good times in that house, some bad times as well but stormy weathers are what I loved about that house. How well you could hear the echo's of the wind. How hearing the rain hitting the roof sounded absolutely magical. Looking outside and seeing the grass completely damp from the rain, yet turn this absolutely lush green. The house would become completely dark during stormy weather which I absolutely loved. Hiding in the shadows just waiting for the sun to peek out. When we moved I was devastated, but I embraced the change. I just had a hard time coming to terms with leaving that half of my childhood years in that house, into my now teenage years to now in the house I reside in now.

The dream cut to a part of arriving to the front of the house. Just like that moment of when we did our final walk through of the house to say our goodbyes. In my dream I never walk inside the house. I hear my mom inside the house, I turn to my brother who looks about 23 in my dream and I just remember walking to the front lawn of the house. I placed my hands on the cracked paint of the porch and set foot on the grass. Just a flash of memories, mainly photographs of myself running on the grass with my dogs. I grab the leaves from a few of my mom's rose bushes from the garden and just stood in thought. I can't hear anyone. All I hear is the wind from the storm that had just passed. From the front yard I find myself walking toward the backyard. At this point I have Mickey and Baron, which is odd to me. Odd because Mickey never knew the old house and Baron died before Mickey came to the house. So seeing them together was weird. Two of my dogs inside of my house I can only see in dreams now. I remember feeling as if it was going to rain but not feeling the need to go inside with everyone else. I found myself just running around with my dogs and feeling as if I could finally let go. I felt happy at the house, but sad knowing it was my final goodbye.

I've been trying to figure out what that dream means all morning. Mainly because of how haunting it felt. It was as if my heart was telling me something but I haven't mustered up the courage to say. Maybe because all of yesterday I was working on a post talking about letting go and realizing I haven't really let go of a lot of things. I never truly embraced living in my home until about 4 years ago. That house on 246 was always my house. Was always my sense of home. It was the home where my brother and I were actually brother and sister. Where we were actually friends instead of not on speaking terms. It was the house that my older brother stated "this is the only house I remember" and hearing him say that hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't have many memories with my older brother but knowing he has memories of that house brought us closer. The more I dig the more I realize it was time to finally let go of that house. Find myself a new home. That no matter where I went it I would always have that memory of home. Of a place that only exists now in my memory. I loved that home. I always will. How ever much I loved that home I have to finally let go. In my own weird way, my dream was finally saying goodbye. Goodbye to the old memories while bringing forth these new beginnings. I can't wait to see where the road takes me but for this brief moment I just want to transport myself back to that dream. Back to a memory and in my own way finally say my goodbye.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Now I can let these dream killers kill my self esteem..

or use my arrogance as steam to power my dreams...

You ever just watch something on TV and it just hits a little too close to home?

That's how I felt about the Modern Family Episode: Three Dinners.

There's this scene between Phil and Claire, where they believe that Haley isn't doing anything in her life and that she's going nowhere. So they take Haley out to dinner to give her "the talk" and the tables turn. Throughout all the seasons, Haley isn't shown the most positive light. Don't get me wrong she's a fabulous character but on the surface each season is always setting her up to fail. She's either getting in trouble, or getting out of trouble, just not really doing much of anything. It wasn't until that episode and that precise scene that you see Haley for who she is. She's doing something. She's going somewhere. Just because she's not as vocal as everyone else, doesn't mean she's sitting on her ass doing nothing.

That's exactly how I feel.

It honestly makes me wonder how many of my friends and family think the same about me.

Sure they've heard me talk about my dreams. Seen my pathetic attempts of "working", but honestly what do they really think about what I'm doing in my life? Job after Job, I know to the general public it looks unsteady. I know that it looks like I'm not making an effort. The thing is these jobs that you see me in, don't make or break me. They come and they go, and I'm okay with that.

Why is it okay you ask? These jobs are not my career. They are not in the field I plan on being in for the rest of my life. They're stepping stones to pay the bills and get me to where I need to be.

I know I shouldn't care and it shouldn't bother me, but it makes me think about the past. Makes me wonder how many times people have thought that I wasn't going anywhere and what exactly am I doing in my life. With that it makes me think that honestly just because I am not vocal about what I'm doing, doesn't mean I'm sitting on my ass doesn't nothing. Just because I don't post my ideas or my dreams, doesn't mean I'm not going anywhere. I don't need to tell you I'm going somewhere, I have to show you I'm fucking doing it.

I could dwell on this. I could get angry and cuss people out. I could. I really could.

But I won't.

Just means when shit starts popping off. You're going to wonder what exactly you were doing in the time it took me to make something of myself. And I will sit back and laugh and tell you: while you were crying and complaining about your meaningless bullshit, I was fucking hustling.

And that's it.

The hustle is on overdrive bitches.