Wednesday, December 25, 2013

I'm known for running my mouth..

I will not be accountable for what comes out...

It's hard to come to a point of forgiveness when you can't come to an agreement of forgetting. I get it people will never fucking change but sometimes I wish they would. Maybe just spend a day in my shoes and understand where I'm coming from. People think that's all it takes is an apology but truth of the matter is it doesn't.

Maybe I'm beating a dead horse. This whole bullshit becomes so repetitive. I just don't understand why I have to pretend to be okay with another persons bullshit. Why people can get this "get out of jail" card for all their crass behavior and I just have to sit there and forgive. 

Truth is I don't understand how two people raised by the same parents can be so different. I was brought up with putting family first, and yet my brother doesn't have the first concept of family. All he has to do is throw a temper tantrum and he gets his way. He screams his bipolar bullshit and everything gets handed to him. Another 400 dollar check, a 2000 dollar camera, and yet nothing is enough. He doesn't come around for holidays. He doesn't make time for anyone. Doesn't speak to anyone outside of his circle of friends and yet that's okay. 

I'm the bad guy. I'm the one that has to be the considerate person to an immature, irresponsible, spoiled brat. When my abuelito died he had no sense of emotion and blames language barriers. Blames lack of communication. When my mom had her heart attack, he had a moment her first night in the hospital. The moment she got out of the hospital he acted as if nothing was wrong that she was fine. However he wasn't the one taking care of her, driving her to doctor appointments etc. 

Yet.

I'm the one that has to baby a grown ass man?

Have to help him book a flight. Have to help him with his taxes. Have to help him because his whole life people have babied him and he hasn't a clue how to handle real fucking life. 

I'm the bad guy. 

I'm the evil one.

I'm the one that "frankly acts like a teenager"...

Sure I live at home with my parents. I've had issues with money. I have a problem with spending before I get it. I may say and do fucked up things but at the end of the day I still know who I am. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not.  It's sad just knowing that he's been treated like the high prince and I've been treated like the evil stepsister. 

I just think it's sad that instead of growing up you've ended up the male equivalent  of veruca salt. Just one fucking vile species of a person.

It sucks. I wish I had my brother back. Someone that actually loved being with family. Loved making movies and loved to learn new things. That person I used to know has died and with him left the spirit of the person I grew up with.    

I'm done. I don't have fight in me anymore to pretend. People ask about my brother and I honestly say I don't know because I don't talk to him. 

But I'm the bad guy. I'm the rotten person. 

Fuuuuuuuck that.