There's a few things I wanted to have finished by the time I turned 31. Yes 31, that dreadful new age that seems to be flashing in my mind.
First off. I am in no way shape or form saddened about getting older. Honestly as I've stated multiple times, you couldn't pay me to be in my twenties again. It's just weird when people give me a hard time about my age and I think to myself. Well look...I'm 31 and still look 23, and all the rest of y'all look 35. So who's really going down hill with age?
Not I, homie.
I thought I would have finished the rewrites on the first manuscript. At least gotten somewhere with the new one. It's just sitting down and formulating what I want to say, how I want to feel, just come out so bitter and angry. When did I become so bitter and angry? Is that the age talking or have I always been bitter and angry. So of course I start rereading old posts on tumblr, on blogger, in my diary and instead of being bitter and angry I just sound sad. Therefore I just don't really know what's going on.
That's a lie. I know what's going on. Fear. More fucking fear. I remember I had a friend of mine ask one of her spiritual advisors about what's in store for my career. All I remember is "once you stop being afraid, everything stops being scattered". I stopped being afraid for a long time but sometimes those demons comeback to haunt you. Maybe it's just being sad for everything that's happened. Maybe it's just feeling guilty about living but I just wish from the bottom of my heart that no one ever feels like this. Because it sucks.
The only thing that I'm certain is that I need an escape. Some place that I am certain is going to change my way of feeling. Then when I come back, I'll do Spring Training, Coachella, Paris and then move.
I moved back to get my life back together. Instead it fell more apart then it already was. Josh passed, I lost my two of my best friends, I stopped talking to my brother (the first time), I finally let go of him, I lost my job, my Abuelito passed, my mom had a heart attack and now my nephew passed and I stopped talking to my brother again. I know life happens but when everything tumbles over like dominoes it's hard to just think life happens. You start to believe everything you've once loved falls apart. Maybe I am just bad luck.
People look at me and I know what they think. I know because I've thought that. You know what, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to reach back to the top. It's not going to be easy and no matter how bad it gets, it's always worse for someone else. Just have to find that silver lining in everything I do. With that I'm going to write more, be more proactive and hopefully by the time I return from my journey shit will be in the process of happening. Just sometimes I wish things could have been differently.
Everything in it's right place.