Tuesday, October 8, 2013

She's going to break soon.

Sometimes I just want to scream and break stuff.

I've literally sat and stared at the bat in my room for the past 10 minutes. If I had any ounce of balls and no fear of ruining any of my stuff I fucking would destroy everything.

Then I really start thinking. It's all just stuff. I've spent a lifetime buying bullshit things I don't need, don't want and for what? Covering up what I feel inside. (Yeah I went a little Kanye West there).

"The things we buy to cover up what's inside"

Tonight just made me think about a lot of bullshit stuff. Being angry makes you turn off the world. You forget about the good and you start feeding off the negativity. The negativity that turns into the sad parts of your existence. When I'm angry I close off the world. I hide, I bite my tongue and stay silent. I hold everything inside until I can't hold it anymore. I don't have the strength for tears because the anger takes everything away. The anger over powers me and my thoughts. Then you reach that point where you break. You just can't fucking take people's bullshit anymore.

Of course I wonder if there's just this target on my back for people to talk to me in the manner they do. That its okay for them to rip me to shreds and all for the sake of my well being. All for the sake of venting out their own frustrations. From people I've dated, to my former friends, to even members of my own family. What gives people the right to bully you and put you down, then pretend nothing happened. It honestly gives me the feeling that maybe there's something wrong with me. That I brought the crazy out of them.

This is where I think of the past. I think of the people and just bullshit situations.

The guy I dated was absolutely rotten. I will say verbally and emotionally abusive, because that's what it was. Sad part was I believed him. I believed every word, mainly because I spent a lifetime dealing with people that were equally or just as vile as he was. I thought that's what I deserved because having someone scream to your face then turn around and tell you they love you, is love. Of course I was wrong but that's where the cycle continued. The guy after that, the same. Not as vile as the last but just as rotten. Then you reach that point that maybe, I'm the one that makes this happen. I cause these people to hurt me.

Friends break your heart and tell you the same bullshit, and you let them because they say they'll always be there. I could count on both of my hands how many times I've heard that story. Just scream to my face and call out my flaws. Then apologize and start all over again. Their misery becomes your own undoing and before you know it you're down their with them. Down there in a pool of the same old bullshit. Family puts you through the ringer and you deal with it because it's all you ever know. Family is the only thing on the planet that no matter how much you hurt someone they have no choice but to love you. It's not fair, and it's bullshit. Some family members get a get out of jail card and everyone else gets the shit end of the stick. It's not fair. Everything is one huge cycle of destructive bullshit.

What can you do? Cry about it?

It's funny cause you look back and think. I should have defended myself. I should have said something. Instead you let people say all these bullshit things and inside your screaming. I'm not the same person I was yesterday, a year ago, or even 4 years ago. You grow a pair and then you realize.. you know what FUCK YOU. Fuck you all and all that bullshit.

Today just was another reminder of the past and how much more bullshit, I've let go to replace with other bullshit. Maybe I should break something, punch something, just do something. Instead I'm going to sit here and write everything all down. Move it out of my way.

In a few months everything will change. I will change. Then everything I write here will disappear.

Until then all I can do is hold my ground and fucking fight. I'm so done with bullshit. So done with the past.

And the A's lost. FUCK THAT SHIT.

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