Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I know what you're thinking of...

It was bound to happen.

The moment your good friend announces they are expecting a child. The change happens. Maybe I just live in a fairyland world. Where we are all young and sing Pat Benatar, drink and talk about the future. The moment my friend announced she was pregnant was the moment I sat back and thought.....what in the fuck.

Of course I embrace all my friends new journeys into motherhood happily. Honestly I am happy for them. They're at that point in their lives ready for commitment and family. I keep thinking am I missing out on something. Is everything good happening somewhere else?

I sit at BBQ's just listening to baby talk, breastfeeding tips, spit up stories, and I just can't help but think how crazy this all is. No more than 3 years ago, we were all getting drunk and talking about the future. My friends are crazy, we talk in movie quotes. We laugh at toilet humor. Sarcasm is what brings us all together. It's just weird to think of my friends as parents. We are the dorky kids that make wise cracks in public situations. We spend hours at the mall like over grown Mallrats, talking about bad fashion choices and more bullshit humor. The future has now become the present and everyone is at that place they wanted to be. Marriage, kids, family. I'm just not there yet.

There's no doubt in my mind that my friends will be amazing parents. They've helped me out on so many occasions. They've been there when I've felt sad, heartbroken, and pretty much gave me hope for the human race. It's just weird to think that babies and marriage change people. While I know my friendship will never change between them, its just weird. I've had friends have kids, I guess it's just weird seeing the process from the beginning. Then I start thinking there's something wrong with me. Shouldn't I be wanting the same thing? A great job, a great relationship, then everything that comes after. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just driving myself mad over it?

My whole stance on dating is if it happens, it happens. After the past two fuck ups, I was done with trying. I just didn't feel this urge for dating. Maybe it was just being on the mend and this need to feel better about myself. How people can jump from relationship to relationship without first healing themselves it's remarkable. That's everyone else. That's not me. I need to sit in a dark room, cry, watch Goodfellas 900 times and find the ways to tell myself I'm going to be okay. I didn't date for 4 years and when I decided to humor myself with dating I ended up with a crazy person. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I just bring out the crazy in people. I just don't see how people can go into relationships fearless as if the past doesn't haunt them. Everyone is rushing to be in relationships I just think, I can't, won't, and will never rush into things. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't I won't be broken again. That's all me though.

It's all just crazy how life changes in the course of a few years. I couldn't be happier for my friends. I couldn't be happier to meet my new little niece or nephew. I can tell you how much I love a person I have never met because it's a product of people I think the world of. I just think it's crazy.

The things I want in my life at this current time seem far fetched. People have called me crazy, people have asked me to start settling down, but that's what drives me. You can't tell me what I can't do, because I'm going to do everything in my power to do it. I want to see the world and tell my story in the way only I can. If somewhere in between relationships happen, awesome I will embrace them. If they don't I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I just never expected people to expect me to drop my dreams for a few of theirs. I have too much going on in my life to focus on letting go of anything. This is my life homie, you all decided yours.

It's just all weird. I guess in a way everything comes together in it's right place. Just sometimes I wish I wasn't the last person standing in a field of fucking dreams.

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