Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Here goes nothing.

There comes a point in your life where you need to hear this quote:
You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it
I've spent a majority of my life hiding from the world. People handle situations differently, I am no exception. Maybe I truly am weird in how I deal with emotions. Just this nostalgic way of thinking. Lied to all these years by the miracle wonders of television and beautifully scored films. Sometimes you just wish that for the one thing you truly want, you would get just an ounce of that sparkle. Sadly my life can't be written by Woody Allen and Wes Anderson doesn't direct my life.
There's moments in your life you wish were easy. Getting over a break-up, moving on from the break-up and just finding that sense of enlightenment. We get there eventually after countless hours of explaining our sob story or in some cases writing it over the internet for everyone to see. I am ready for that next step.
Maybe this is the part in my movie where I start becoming awesome.
Then you get those moments where you fear the outcome. You fear the rejection and you fear the vulnerability, you're about to put out into the world. It's human nature to be scared to ask the question but its the things that scare you the most that you have to do for yourself. I am far from perfect. I am weird, I watch more films and television then I should and I love food but one thing I am not is a coward.
People change, people will break your heart, and it may not make sense at the time but it comes together eventually. Life has a silly way of breaking your heart and it's up to us to find the ways of mending it. I can live with that notion, now all I need is just an ounce of bravery to start all over again.
I'll get there eventually.
Everything in it's right place.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

She's going to break soon.

Sometimes I just want to scream and break stuff.

I've literally sat and stared at the bat in my room for the past 10 minutes. If I had any ounce of balls and no fear of ruining any of my stuff I fucking would destroy everything.

Then I really start thinking. It's all just stuff. I've spent a lifetime buying bullshit things I don't need, don't want and for what? Covering up what I feel inside. (Yeah I went a little Kanye West there).

"The things we buy to cover up what's inside"

Tonight just made me think about a lot of bullshit stuff. Being angry makes you turn off the world. You forget about the good and you start feeding off the negativity. The negativity that turns into the sad parts of your existence. When I'm angry I close off the world. I hide, I bite my tongue and stay silent. I hold everything inside until I can't hold it anymore. I don't have the strength for tears because the anger takes everything away. The anger over powers me and my thoughts. Then you reach that point where you break. You just can't fucking take people's bullshit anymore.

Of course I wonder if there's just this target on my back for people to talk to me in the manner they do. That its okay for them to rip me to shreds and all for the sake of my well being. All for the sake of venting out their own frustrations. From people I've dated, to my former friends, to even members of my own family. What gives people the right to bully you and put you down, then pretend nothing happened. It honestly gives me the feeling that maybe there's something wrong with me. That I brought the crazy out of them.

This is where I think of the past. I think of the people and just bullshit situations.

The guy I dated was absolutely rotten. I will say verbally and emotionally abusive, because that's what it was. Sad part was I believed him. I believed every word, mainly because I spent a lifetime dealing with people that were equally or just as vile as he was. I thought that's what I deserved because having someone scream to your face then turn around and tell you they love you, is love. Of course I was wrong but that's where the cycle continued. The guy after that, the same. Not as vile as the last but just as rotten. Then you reach that point that maybe, I'm the one that makes this happen. I cause these people to hurt me.

Friends break your heart and tell you the same bullshit, and you let them because they say they'll always be there. I could count on both of my hands how many times I've heard that story. Just scream to my face and call out my flaws. Then apologize and start all over again. Their misery becomes your own undoing and before you know it you're down their with them. Down there in a pool of the same old bullshit. Family puts you through the ringer and you deal with it because it's all you ever know. Family is the only thing on the planet that no matter how much you hurt someone they have no choice but to love you. It's not fair, and it's bullshit. Some family members get a get out of jail card and everyone else gets the shit end of the stick. It's not fair. Everything is one huge cycle of destructive bullshit.

What can you do? Cry about it?

It's funny cause you look back and think. I should have defended myself. I should have said something. Instead you let people say all these bullshit things and inside your screaming. I'm not the same person I was yesterday, a year ago, or even 4 years ago. You grow a pair and then you realize.. you know what FUCK YOU. Fuck you all and all that bullshit.

Today just was another reminder of the past and how much more bullshit, I've let go to replace with other bullshit. Maybe I should break something, punch something, just do something. Instead I'm going to sit here and write everything all down. Move it out of my way.

In a few months everything will change. I will change. Then everything I write here will disappear.

Until then all I can do is hold my ground and fucking fight. I'm so done with bullshit. So done with the past.

And the A's lost. FUCK THAT SHIT.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

You worry about the wrong things, the wrong things.

There's a few things I wanted to have finished by the time I turned 31. Yes 31, that dreadful new age that seems to be flashing in my mind.

First off. I am in no way shape or form saddened about getting older. Honestly as I've stated multiple times, you couldn't pay me to be in my twenties again. It's just weird when people give me a hard time about my age and I think to myself. Well look...I'm 31 and still look 23, and all the rest of y'all look 35. So who's really going down hill with age?

Not I, homie.

I thought I would have finished the rewrites on the first manuscript. At least gotten somewhere with the new one. It's just sitting down and formulating what I want to say, how I want to feel, just come out so bitter and angry. When did I become so bitter and angry? Is that the age talking or have I always been bitter and angry. So of course I start rereading old posts on tumblr, on blogger, in my diary and instead of being bitter and angry I just sound sad. Therefore I just don't really know what's going on.

That's a lie. I know what's going on. Fear. More fucking fear. I remember I had a friend of mine ask one of her spiritual advisors about what's in store for my career. All I remember is "once you stop being afraid, everything stops being scattered". I stopped being afraid for a long time but sometimes those demons comeback to haunt you. Maybe it's just being sad for everything that's happened. Maybe it's just feeling guilty about living but I just wish from the bottom of my heart that no one ever feels like this. Because it sucks.

The only thing that I'm certain is that I need an escape. Some place that I am certain is going to change my way of feeling. Then when I come back, I'll do Spring Training, Coachella, Paris and then move.

I moved back to get my life back together. Instead it fell more apart then it already was. Josh passed, I lost my two of my best friends, I stopped talking to my brother (the first time), I finally let go of him, I lost my job, my Abuelito passed, my mom had a heart attack and now my nephew passed and I stopped talking to my brother again. I know life happens but when everything tumbles over like dominoes it's hard to just think life happens. You start to believe everything you've once loved falls apart. Maybe I am just bad luck.

People look at me and I know what they think. I know because I've thought that. You know what, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to reach back to the top. It's not going to be easy and no matter how bad it gets, it's always worse for someone else. Just have to find that silver lining in everything I do. With that I'm going to write more, be more proactive and hopefully by the time I return from my journey shit will be in the process of happening. Just sometimes I wish things could have been differently.

Everything in it's right place.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Wackness.

"I see the dopeness in everything, you just see the Wackness".

The backstory on seeing this film was we were all walking the streets of New York and kept seeing these posters everywhere. In New York you see ad's for just about every type of movie, documentary, album release etc. It's a little more scattered and artistic then it is on the West Coast. We kept seeing these posters of huge cassettes and on the cassette was "The Wackness". Of course when I got home I did some research and low and behold the obsession with The Wackness began.

This film is pure. It's corny to say it's a coming of age story. What story isn't a coming of age story right? It's about growing up, falling in love, having your heart broken, and being okay with that. With it's 90's setting, great soundtrack and phenomenal cast you can't help but fall in love with this film. If you were a 90's kid, I highly recommend watching this.

I know what you're thinking of...

It was bound to happen.

The moment your good friend announces they are expecting a child. The change happens. Maybe I just live in a fairyland world. Where we are all young and sing Pat Benatar, drink and talk about the future. The moment my friend announced she was pregnant was the moment I sat back and thought.....what in the fuck.

Of course I embrace all my friends new journeys into motherhood happily. Honestly I am happy for them. They're at that point in their lives ready for commitment and family. I keep thinking am I missing out on something. Is everything good happening somewhere else?

I sit at BBQ's just listening to baby talk, breastfeeding tips, spit up stories, and I just can't help but think how crazy this all is. No more than 3 years ago, we were all getting drunk and talking about the future. My friends are crazy, we talk in movie quotes. We laugh at toilet humor. Sarcasm is what brings us all together. It's just weird to think of my friends as parents. We are the dorky kids that make wise cracks in public situations. We spend hours at the mall like over grown Mallrats, talking about bad fashion choices and more bullshit humor. The future has now become the present and everyone is at that place they wanted to be. Marriage, kids, family. I'm just not there yet.

There's no doubt in my mind that my friends will be amazing parents. They've helped me out on so many occasions. They've been there when I've felt sad, heartbroken, and pretty much gave me hope for the human race. It's just weird to think that babies and marriage change people. While I know my friendship will never change between them, its just weird. I've had friends have kids, I guess it's just weird seeing the process from the beginning. Then I start thinking there's something wrong with me. Shouldn't I be wanting the same thing? A great job, a great relationship, then everything that comes after. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just driving myself mad over it?

My whole stance on dating is if it happens, it happens. After the past two fuck ups, I was done with trying. I just didn't feel this urge for dating. Maybe it was just being on the mend and this need to feel better about myself. How people can jump from relationship to relationship without first healing themselves it's remarkable. That's everyone else. That's not me. I need to sit in a dark room, cry, watch Goodfellas 900 times and find the ways to tell myself I'm going to be okay. I didn't date for 4 years and when I decided to humor myself with dating I ended up with a crazy person. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I just bring out the crazy in people. I just don't see how people can go into relationships fearless as if the past doesn't haunt them. Everyone is rushing to be in relationships I just think, I can't, won't, and will never rush into things. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't I won't be broken again. That's all me though.

It's all just crazy how life changes in the course of a few years. I couldn't be happier for my friends. I couldn't be happier to meet my new little niece or nephew. I can tell you how much I love a person I have never met because it's a product of people I think the world of. I just think it's crazy.

The things I want in my life at this current time seem far fetched. People have called me crazy, people have asked me to start settling down, but that's what drives me. You can't tell me what I can't do, because I'm going to do everything in my power to do it. I want to see the world and tell my story in the way only I can. If somewhere in between relationships happen, awesome I will embrace them. If they don't I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I just never expected people to expect me to drop my dreams for a few of theirs. I have too much going on in my life to focus on letting go of anything. This is my life homie, you all decided yours.

It's just all weird. I guess in a way everything comes together in it's right place. Just sometimes I wish I wasn't the last person standing in a field of fucking dreams.