Tuesday, September 10, 2013

"you're going to hate me one day"...

8/11/13



It's funny how words tend to haunt you long after they've been said. That imprint the words leave across your brain that hides for a lifetime then reappear when you least expect it. I wish I could just erase parts of memories and focus on only the good. I understand that there comes a time in your life where everything needs forgiveness in order to grow. What if I just never come to that point? What if these thoughts never change? I used to believe that all I wanted was an apology, something sincere that meant people cared. Then I realized it was just more words and more bullshit excuses, where I play the same part.

I forgive, I move on, then I learn to forget.

FAT CHANCE.

I remember that day vividly. I sat on your bed and we talked. Before anything happened. Before whatever bullshit we got into. You looked at me and said "In a year you're going to hate me. You're going to hate me one day". To be honest I didn't want to think about it. I knew one day people  that you cared about would walk out of your life and you would feel differently about them. You were the last person I ever thought would be so tragic yet so truthful. Then everything feel apart and I lost everything. It sounds silly. This broken record that can't get over the same bullshit. They always said time heals all wounds. My wounds have already scared and its those scars that remind me so vividly of the past.

There are times I wish I could say I don't hate you. Those times that I honestly believed I could be friends with a person that has hurt me. That I could believe in some different dimension things were different and I didn't go through what I did. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so broken. Maybe I wouldn't feel so out of touch with the world. There are times I go back and read everything I wrote from the beginning then I read everything that happened towards the end. This desperation to be loved and risking so much to be let down. I should have never have given you all that power. I should have continued with my first broken heart because only then would I have made sense of the mending. Instead I'm left with these broken pieces, I just don't have the time or effort to put together.

Replaying these fragments of conversations and all I can think about is this anger. Everyone makes mistakes, I get that. You went far and beyond mistakes. I wondered why I kept going back, why I put you on such a high pedestal. Everyone kept telling me how wrong it was to keep going back, to keep pretending there was something there. I guess we just have to learn from our mistakes. Just have to keep making them until we are completely fed up with the fucking results. No matter how many times you made me cry, I didn't want to move. No matter how many times you called me every name in the book, I fucking stood there. Because somewhere in the remains of my broken heart was the guy that told me he cared and would never let me down. I never let people hurt me like you did. I turned my back on people that did far less then what you did. Still I stood, just thinking one day it will be different. One day all this bullshit will stand for something.

The last time I talked to you I was completely done. I felt nothing. I continued to let you say bullshit, I continued to let you say how everything is my fault. How everything I do in life is because of the person I am. Once again it was this cycle. After I saw through the bullshit you told me, I realized I was done. After I didn't see you for a while, I stopped caring. My heart didn't skip a beat, the pedestal you stood on slowly crumbled apart. It's funny to hear people say how you're "such a great person". "such a sweet guy". You're not any of those things. Maybe somewhere deep inside there's still good in you, but where did that go when we were friends? Where was the guy that said he'd always have my back? "Such a sweet guy"....."Such a great person".....

Its easy for people to jump into relationships when they're hurt. Jump from one person to the next person. I can't just open my heart to someone and pretend that it's still beating. For the longest time I felt like I was such a horrible person. You lead me to believe that. Everything I did was wrong and no one could ever care about me as much as you said you did. Truth of the matter was you were just a selfish person and seeing someone else be happy is your biggest unhappiness. I was so stupid to believe you. So fucking stupid. 5 years of the same juvenile bullshit, and I'm the broken one. You don't even have a dent in your armor and I was still fighting this bullshit war. For what? A half ass apology and more lies, I deserved better than that. You parade about being this positive person, that everything is "god's will". I keep thinking how the blood must taste in your mouth for saying such words. How hypocritical you've always been, but I'm the fucked up person.

When I talk to people and look into their lives, they fear having children. They fear owning a house. I'm so scared shitless about even thinking about dating or relationships that I turn myself off from it. Not saying I don't see it happening, I just don't have the faith and heart anymore. That feeling of hope has made me utterly hopeless and the more I get into it the more terrified I become. I know the right person will come along eventually (so I'm told), I just see what happens when it happens. Until then I'll just disappear and enjoy the wise cracks from the singles table.

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