Monday, September 30, 2013

The world will break your heart ten ways from Sunday.

It's funny how films have a way of hitting your soul when you need them the most. After the course of the past couple of weeks I've started the stages of feeling better. When you feel like hope is lost there's always moments that make it better. After feeling every ounce of human emotion, I'm ready to feel happiness. I am ready to feel love.

I've written countless times about how hard life has been for other people, I forget about my own struggles. People haven't always been the greatest to me. People find a way to break my heart from the moment I meet them to the moment they disappear. I guess this is my way of being okay with that. In order to truly heal you have to admit you're hurting. I can say I was hurting for a long time. I've had people hurt me, break me down, and break my heart. I've ran from many of these problems I've forgotten what it feels like to stand still. All the pavements I've chased are slowly breaking down. Running never solved anything in life. You're left out of breath with an even bigger pain in your chest.

Yes people have hurt me. Yes I've been sad. but you know what? I'm still fucking here.

I'm tired. I'm sad. but I'm okay with that.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I've got my ticket for the long way round..

I am emotionally drained.

Physically and emotionally.

Done with bullshit.

Done with bullshit people.

Done with bullshit situations.

Done with my Death Cab for Cutie listening party.

There are a million of things I should be doing.

Uploading, working on BCS, and saving money. Instead of doing any of the for mentioned things I am currently on blogger and online shopping. Maybe I just need to release some tension and write out my feelings. So I'm giving myself a two week break before I go back to BCS. I just need to write, breathe, and focus on things I need to be doing. Before I know it, it'll be November and away I'll be in another country. It couldn't come at the most perfect time. We all just need a little escape to clear our minds right?

With everything that's happened in the past couple of weeks I just don't know what to feel anymore. It's weird to say that death has a way of making you think about your life. Instead of focusing of all the things I should be doing, I've been focusing on all the things I shouldn't be doing.

I should be doing rewrites
Instead of writing on blogger

I should be editing photos for Broke City Style
Instead I'm watching this hot mess of a game.

I should be writing posts for Broke City Style
Instead I'm writing about things I should be doing and watching this FUCKING HOT MESS OF A GAME!

I should be saving money
Instead of spending before I get it. (WE ALL SELF CONCIOUS I'M JUST THE FIRST TO ADMIT IT)

Here's the thing. It's going to all change. I'm going to finally grieve my nephews death, I'm going to watch a shit load of baseball, I'm going to watch a shit load of great films, and I'm going to focus on just getting my life in order. I've been in such a busy nonstop mood that I haven't had a chance to catch my breath on anything. Instead I'm making up stories on a million different ideas and I can't even begin to write the first verse.

I just need a few nights alone with my headphones and some great tunes. Cry it out and just get everything together.

Also I forgot that SMASH covered "Some Boys" by Death Cab For Cutie. So of course I can't stop listening to it. I couldn't listen to this song for the longest time. Now I hear it and it's like the first time. <3 Beautiful.

If you haven't watched SMASH, I urge you to watch it.



Monday, September 23, 2013

This is fact not fiction for the first time in years..

For the past couple of days it's been Death Cab for Cutie central.

I blame Coachella. (Okay OKAY Death Cab didn't play but The Postal Service did, which in turn made me dust off all the Death Cab for Cutie albums)

 I blame the overall aura of Ben Gibbard and his haunting lyrics.

I can't remember the last time I sat with my head phones listening to these albums. So here I am for the past few nights just sitting and listening to these albums. As if there is something I've missed from the first time I heard them. Some hidden message I missed between the lines.

When you close yourself off from the world you forget the beauty in the music. The vulnerability in the lyrics. You forget that there are people out that feel the way that you do.

Even if it's just in a song.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

"you're going to hate me one day"...

8/11/13



It's funny how words tend to haunt you long after they've been said. That imprint the words leave across your brain that hides for a lifetime then reappear when you least expect it. I wish I could just erase parts of memories and focus on only the good. I understand that there comes a time in your life where everything needs forgiveness in order to grow. What if I just never come to that point? What if these thoughts never change? I used to believe that all I wanted was an apology, something sincere that meant people cared. Then I realized it was just more words and more bullshit excuses, where I play the same part.

I forgive, I move on, then I learn to forget.

FAT CHANCE.

I remember that day vividly. I sat on your bed and we talked. Before anything happened. Before whatever bullshit we got into. You looked at me and said "In a year you're going to hate me. You're going to hate me one day". To be honest I didn't want to think about it. I knew one day people  that you cared about would walk out of your life and you would feel differently about them. You were the last person I ever thought would be so tragic yet so truthful. Then everything feel apart and I lost everything. It sounds silly. This broken record that can't get over the same bullshit. They always said time heals all wounds. My wounds have already scared and its those scars that remind me so vividly of the past.

There are times I wish I could say I don't hate you. Those times that I honestly believed I could be friends with a person that has hurt me. That I could believe in some different dimension things were different and I didn't go through what I did. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so broken. Maybe I wouldn't feel so out of touch with the world. There are times I go back and read everything I wrote from the beginning then I read everything that happened towards the end. This desperation to be loved and risking so much to be let down. I should have never have given you all that power. I should have continued with my first broken heart because only then would I have made sense of the mending. Instead I'm left with these broken pieces, I just don't have the time or effort to put together.

Replaying these fragments of conversations and all I can think about is this anger. Everyone makes mistakes, I get that. You went far and beyond mistakes. I wondered why I kept going back, why I put you on such a high pedestal. Everyone kept telling me how wrong it was to keep going back, to keep pretending there was something there. I guess we just have to learn from our mistakes. Just have to keep making them until we are completely fed up with the fucking results. No matter how many times you made me cry, I didn't want to move. No matter how many times you called me every name in the book, I fucking stood there. Because somewhere in the remains of my broken heart was the guy that told me he cared and would never let me down. I never let people hurt me like you did. I turned my back on people that did far less then what you did. Still I stood, just thinking one day it will be different. One day all this bullshit will stand for something.

The last time I talked to you I was completely done. I felt nothing. I continued to let you say bullshit, I continued to let you say how everything is my fault. How everything I do in life is because of the person I am. Once again it was this cycle. After I saw through the bullshit you told me, I realized I was done. After I didn't see you for a while, I stopped caring. My heart didn't skip a beat, the pedestal you stood on slowly crumbled apart. It's funny to hear people say how you're "such a great person". "such a sweet guy". You're not any of those things. Maybe somewhere deep inside there's still good in you, but where did that go when we were friends? Where was the guy that said he'd always have my back? "Such a sweet guy"....."Such a great person".....

Its easy for people to jump into relationships when they're hurt. Jump from one person to the next person. I can't just open my heart to someone and pretend that it's still beating. For the longest time I felt like I was such a horrible person. You lead me to believe that. Everything I did was wrong and no one could ever care about me as much as you said you did. Truth of the matter was you were just a selfish person and seeing someone else be happy is your biggest unhappiness. I was so stupid to believe you. So fucking stupid. 5 years of the same juvenile bullshit, and I'm the broken one. You don't even have a dent in your armor and I was still fighting this bullshit war. For what? A half ass apology and more lies, I deserved better than that. You parade about being this positive person, that everything is "god's will". I keep thinking how the blood must taste in your mouth for saying such words. How hypocritical you've always been, but I'm the fucked up person.

When I talk to people and look into their lives, they fear having children. They fear owning a house. I'm so scared shitless about even thinking about dating or relationships that I turn myself off from it. Not saying I don't see it happening, I just don't have the faith and heart anymore. That feeling of hope has made me utterly hopeless and the more I get into it the more terrified I become. I know the right person will come along eventually (so I'm told), I just see what happens when it happens. Until then I'll just disappear and enjoy the wise cracks from the singles table.

Ain't Them Bodies Saints.

Before I get into this movie, I just have to state it's been a hard two days. My nephew passed away on Monday and I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. I loved that kid. Of course he's 23, not really a kid but to me he's always going to be just as I remember him. Naturally I can't be around people. I just have to go into my own state of mourning and just turn everything off. I can't be at home. I can't be at the places that make me happy. I just need to be somewhere dark and just forget about everything. Naturally that's where seeing films comes in. Just the dark room of a movie theater and someone else's problems help forget if only for a moment the reality of the day.

Ain't Them Bodies Saints.

I'll be honest. The moment I saw the trailer I wanted to see it. Not as much as "Fruitvale Station"  (we'll get to that later) just this nostalgic haunting feeling that I had to see this film. Luckily The State Theater has been playing some great independent films and I hopped in my car and away I went.

I completely disappeared into this film. More of a grownup approach to a western. With it's outlaw settings intertwined with a love story, it's hard not to feel absolutely captivated into the story. It's everything a western is part outlaw, part rebellion, redemption and tragedy. Had I not been crying for the majority of the day, I would have walked out of that theater in tears. Its something that leaves a tiny scar in your heart. The cast, the score, absolutely outstanding.

If you haven't seen it, by all means SEE THIS FILM.




I've been everywhere and back trying to replace.

I think of the stupidest fucking shit sometimes.

It's having the same song on repeat and after the 5th time hearing it, you think it's going to be different. That you'll feel differently. The melody changes, the lyrics hit you, and well you're back where you started from. Same verse, different story.

Lets just go back to the start.

A friend of mine told me how great this One Republic album was. I believe her. Mainly because she has excellent taste in music, so like I do with most things I let everything wait for the last minute. Few weeks go by and well of course I forgot about my new musical endeavor.

 I'll be real.

 I like One Republic. I think Ryan Tedder is pretty swell.  Just sometimes my head space isn't the in the mood for everything, Ryan Tedder has to say. Of course I can just account this to bullshit feelings from the past and well I happen to enjoy feeling a sense of melancholy when I listen to music. I can't see myself crying to such catchy beats. I've gotten so used to feeling a certain way, listening to the same albums. That was life to me.

Then I heard this song.




I can't even remember where I heard it. I just know that the moment I heard it, as cheesy as it sounds I felt something. I mean there are songs that tug at every inch of your heart strings. "If I Fell" by the Beatles, "Sitting at the dock of the bay" by Otis Redding, "Asleep" by the Smiths....great songs. But "Feel Again" by One Republic......

.....

There's something with that song that just woke something inside of me. Maybe it's just finally letting go of people that brought on this sense of melancholy. Its no longer this feeling of anger or hate, I just want to cleanse my soul of it. It's so easy for people to turn off their feelings. I did. Now look at me, getting cheesy over One Republic songs.

It's just how this songs starts so unexpectedly. The rush of the music, the calmness of his voice and it starts this feeling you thought you forgotten. I've been so caught up in remembering the past, I keep forgetting about the present. I can't go back and change things. I wouldn't want to anyway. I know who people are and the more time passes I know those same people can't hurt me anymore. Had life been different, I would be different. Its taken a bit longer to feel something but I'm getting there slowly.

All it took was a fucking One Republic song to feel that way.

Oh yeah and it's hard to write One Republic without thinking I'm writing One Direction.

Shit.