Thursday, June 13, 2013

what the hell.

It's sort of funny to stop and think about the past. Back to this time period where you thought in that moment everything you loved would stay forever and nothing would ever change. I used to hate this notion of growing up. This punk ass kid way of thinking that I didn't want to be like my parents, that I only ever wanted to be myself. Live in this generation where it was socially acceptable to do what I love to do instead of following what every one else was doing. When I try to tell this story it's like all of this happened yesterday and reality is that it started 12 years ago. Can I even begin to believe it's been 13 years since I graduated high school, and 12 years since my life changed? Still I sit in the home that I grew up in, rebuilding and constantly rebuilding from the ground up.

But that's a different story.

Whether its that memory of talking about my "glory" years or almost forgetting they even happened. It's been so long since I talked about it that I almost forget it happened. Almost like forgetting you dated someone until someone or something reminds you. Your mind becomes this photo album of different time periods in the background of some beautifully orchestrated soundtrack. Those times you thought those good times would last and instead they drifted farther away from who you are. People have a way of changing into people they swore they would never become. You hold on to this belief that one day it will change, one day they will come back to the person they used to be. The person you would do anything for and instead you're left with a million photographs of nostalgia. Maybe none of that matters anymore. Maybe what I thought was so unique about people was actually their way of showing me who they never truly were.

I don't know whether is the music or just these memories.

You remember almost vividly that first show you went to. How you felt. How you walked in so socially awkward into an open space filled with people just like you. Only wanting to escape from their normal routine schedules if only for the 3 hour duration of this show. You screamed out every lyric, you pumped your fist out to every beat of the song. For that brief moment you felt this freedom you never had before. Your parents never understood it, your boss thought you were crazy but you knew deep down it was something different. Something that set you apart from the rest.

Why I tend to think about it now it's beyond me. I haven't spoken about the past in so long that it's almost like I don't want to forget it. I don't want to go my life thinking it was a dream. I just can't believe that in a short time frame I did so much, when others were still trying to figure things out. Mind you, it was all an escape from growing up but I didn't want to believe that. Where everyone else grew up, I slowly had to eventually.

From the time I was 17 to the time I was 24 I lived in this traveling circus to say the least. I lived, breathed, and woke up to this time period of what I believed was my generations time for music. Before twitter, before instagram, when all I had was my 35 mm camera or at times just a disposable camera. Sleeping on strangers floors, working just to make enough money for the next show. It's weird to think I did that. Now that I can't sleep anywhere that isn't my bed. I wouldn't shower for days, I would just get up reapply my make up and away we went. I would call San Francisco my home, and LA my city. The nights we all spent on 11th and Harrison. To the times I cried, puked, cried again, puked, laughed at 17th at Missouri. Then the times I had lost film, pens, cigarettes, and my heart at geary and fillmore. It's weird to believe that was my life that I spent those times and countless hours in places I can't remember getting to now a day. Now it's this fear of going back and being reminded of the changes when I just want to remain in this bubble. Its these times that have changed a long with the people. Everything that said it would stay clear of social media and the taboo that was technology now asks me to "like" them on facebook. I can't believe there was a time before social media, before committing to relationship via facebook. Was it really just a dream?

Now I can't spend more than a day without showering (two days if I get my hair done). I can't put on the same raggedy tshirt and consider that my outfit for the next 5 days. Now I have to think about things I put out into the world before I'm socially mocked in 5 different media outlets. Where did this pure almost organic period of our lives leave? When did those people that say you were their best friends decided that life was more important than a struggle?

I don't know who anyone is anymore. I can't remember the names of the people I used to believe. I can't even tell you if the last person I kissed meant something to me. But I can tell you where I was when I was 17 and how much it effected my life. I can tell you the producer of 4 different albums in 2004 just by hearing a melody. I can tell you that in 2000 after I graduated my life changed and whether it was for the best so be it. I just wonder when did things get so fucking complicated and future generations feel so fucking entitled to something. You want to know struggle? Try being away from social media for more than 4 hours. Sit and listen to great fucking music and just think. Let everything disappear and then reappear again.

Maybe then people will understand. Only then will this nostalgic way of thinking go away.

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