You know I tend to do a lot of crazy things in my youthful enjoyable life. Many of these ideas I could put in a file cabinet labeled "great idea at the time". Things I wish I didn't say, people I wish I didn't make out with, things I wish I didn't buy, you get the idea. Then there's the things I honestly thought would change into something, instead I am left at a weird crossroads.
For the past 3 days I've done nothing but sleep off this dissolution feeling that everything I am doing is wrong. What I thought was a good idea ended up taking its turn for the worse. Its not even that I am disappointed, it's that I believed this was the fit for me. This was where my heart was taking me. I just see these ideas twirling around in my head and well shit doesn't work out as planned. Friday was a bad day. Friday was one of those days I wish didn't happen but it did. If there was a way to take all the bad and form it into good, I would. I know to reach your dreams you have to come to a place that you know everything is going to take time. I guess maybe this is what this is.
It's all rather cryptic. Friday started off on this high from having a great time with my friends on Thursday. Then Friday I couldn't shake this feeling something was off. Something wasn't very me. I found myself angry at the world, angry at myself, and angry that no matter how hard I try its the cards that I'm dealt that handicap my feelings. It's so easy for others to grasp this complex systems. Find a way to shortcut to these illusions of their dreams. Yet time again I am the one picking up all my broken pieces to make them whole. Why is that? Why is it so easy for other people to barely lift a finger and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders? I did what any normal person would do, I cried. I cried, sobbed, cried, dry heaved, and cried some more. It was this whole way of thinking that people think my life is so easy until they stand a minute in my shoes. I didn't care if I sounded crazy. I didn't care if people would think less of me. That's exactly how I felt at that moment. Then I wiped away my tears and picked myself up. I took that ride into the city and felt the sunshine take everything away. It's going to be a hard battle but it's something I wanted to do. Something I argued with people that, things happen for a reason.
I went into work still shaken but wasn't going to allow it to interfere with what was going on. I was leaving my personal life on the Dublin Bound Bart train. I went into work eager to start the day. Talk to the interesting people that walk into the shop. Converse with my co-workers. Learn about new ways to captivate an audience. Whether my aura was on show, every customer that came in just wasn't interested. It went from language barrier issues, to talking about financial issues. Before I knew it I was being snapped at about expectations, speeding up my delivery, and being more focused. I just don't know how much I can engage a person about spending money on a fucking 30 dollar lotion? It's not lack of confidence it's relating to the customers as I was told to do. By mid shift I was eagerly anticipating my break. Sit upstairs collect my thoughts and just finish up the rest of my day.
I was fine.
I was good.
It's that moment where you know everything is going to change the way you see things into a life lesson. I never took my break. I roped myself in with a variety of clients and knew that I had no say to when I'm suppose to step back and take it. Before I had a chance to break free another set back. Another lecture about expectations, coaxing the client. Whether it was the day or just my emotional rollercoaster, I was sent home. Angry I wasn't. Not that 30 minute car ride to find parking, not that hour long train ride to get into the city. Not time wasted on getting ready when I was already a mess. That's all personal. That's all inside. What changed how I felt about the situation was even after being told "We all cry, it's okay to cry" was being told "We all feel this way when we are not working up to our potential". I just about lost it.
Not working up to my potential? Are you fucking kidding me?
In my 13 plus years and various job titles, I have never in my life been told "not working up to my potential". Of course I shouldn't take it to heart it's just retail. But really? I had never been told that in my many years of working. So then I took it really to heart.
Am I not doing everything up to my potential? Am I still in this fantasyland way of dreaming? It doesn't help that when you read more into things you tend to believe that everything you're doing is wrong. Should I have stayed in school? Should I have joined a different career path? Should I have listened to everything people had said?
I guess being angry about that situation isn't helping anyone. I do believe that situation should have been handled differently. Words have a way of infecting the darkest aspects of your soul and when you already feel a million feelings, it's not best to pollute with other nonsense. I just feel haunted by those words. "Not working up to your potential". As if I did something wrong. Going into that job I was eager to learn everything, I enjoyed the product, I was passionate about the company. Which I still am but the selling aspects are just a bit ridiculous. I am not going to hound a person to sell products.
This is where I am. This is how I feel. Now it's just this feeling of starting over and why didn't I get this idea in the first place. I want to do a lot of things in my life. I want to be able to do these thing but being here isn't helping. Working there isn't going to solve anything. While I still enjoy the company and it's politics, it's time to move on. While this social experiment worked for just a few weeks, I'm ready to let go and start again.
here's to starting over.