Thursday, June 13, 2013

what the hell.

It's sort of funny to stop and think about the past. Back to this time period where you thought in that moment everything you loved would stay forever and nothing would ever change. I used to hate this notion of growing up. This punk ass kid way of thinking that I didn't want to be like my parents, that I only ever wanted to be myself. Live in this generation where it was socially acceptable to do what I love to do instead of following what every one else was doing. When I try to tell this story it's like all of this happened yesterday and reality is that it started 12 years ago. Can I even begin to believe it's been 13 years since I graduated high school, and 12 years since my life changed? Still I sit in the home that I grew up in, rebuilding and constantly rebuilding from the ground up.

But that's a different story.

Whether its that memory of talking about my "glory" years or almost forgetting they even happened. It's been so long since I talked about it that I almost forget it happened. Almost like forgetting you dated someone until someone or something reminds you. Your mind becomes this photo album of different time periods in the background of some beautifully orchestrated soundtrack. Those times you thought those good times would last and instead they drifted farther away from who you are. People have a way of changing into people they swore they would never become. You hold on to this belief that one day it will change, one day they will come back to the person they used to be. The person you would do anything for and instead you're left with a million photographs of nostalgia. Maybe none of that matters anymore. Maybe what I thought was so unique about people was actually their way of showing me who they never truly were.

I don't know whether is the music or just these memories.

You remember almost vividly that first show you went to. How you felt. How you walked in so socially awkward into an open space filled with people just like you. Only wanting to escape from their normal routine schedules if only for the 3 hour duration of this show. You screamed out every lyric, you pumped your fist out to every beat of the song. For that brief moment you felt this freedom you never had before. Your parents never understood it, your boss thought you were crazy but you knew deep down it was something different. Something that set you apart from the rest.

Why I tend to think about it now it's beyond me. I haven't spoken about the past in so long that it's almost like I don't want to forget it. I don't want to go my life thinking it was a dream. I just can't believe that in a short time frame I did so much, when others were still trying to figure things out. Mind you, it was all an escape from growing up but I didn't want to believe that. Where everyone else grew up, I slowly had to eventually.

From the time I was 17 to the time I was 24 I lived in this traveling circus to say the least. I lived, breathed, and woke up to this time period of what I believed was my generations time for music. Before twitter, before instagram, when all I had was my 35 mm camera or at times just a disposable camera. Sleeping on strangers floors, working just to make enough money for the next show. It's weird to think I did that. Now that I can't sleep anywhere that isn't my bed. I wouldn't shower for days, I would just get up reapply my make up and away we went. I would call San Francisco my home, and LA my city. The nights we all spent on 11th and Harrison. To the times I cried, puked, cried again, puked, laughed at 17th at Missouri. Then the times I had lost film, pens, cigarettes, and my heart at geary and fillmore. It's weird to believe that was my life that I spent those times and countless hours in places I can't remember getting to now a day. Now it's this fear of going back and being reminded of the changes when I just want to remain in this bubble. Its these times that have changed a long with the people. Everything that said it would stay clear of social media and the taboo that was technology now asks me to "like" them on facebook. I can't believe there was a time before social media, before committing to relationship via facebook. Was it really just a dream?

Now I can't spend more than a day without showering (two days if I get my hair done). I can't put on the same raggedy tshirt and consider that my outfit for the next 5 days. Now I have to think about things I put out into the world before I'm socially mocked in 5 different media outlets. Where did this pure almost organic period of our lives leave? When did those people that say you were their best friends decided that life was more important than a struggle?

I don't know who anyone is anymore. I can't remember the names of the people I used to believe. I can't even tell you if the last person I kissed meant something to me. But I can tell you where I was when I was 17 and how much it effected my life. I can tell you the producer of 4 different albums in 2004 just by hearing a melody. I can tell you that in 2000 after I graduated my life changed and whether it was for the best so be it. I just wonder when did things get so fucking complicated and future generations feel so fucking entitled to something. You want to know struggle? Try being away from social media for more than 4 hours. Sit and listen to great fucking music and just think. Let everything disappear and then reappear again.

Maybe then people will understand. Only then will this nostalgic way of thinking go away.

little high waisted shorts.

I am not sure what's the fascination with these denim high waisted shorts but I cringe when I see them. It's this whole new generation of kids wanting to live back in the 90s. The hideous 90's wallpaper floral, little backpacks, bongo jeans and yes...denim high waisted shorts.

When in doubt refer to years prior for fashion expertise in one of the most socially fashion handicapped eras.

Don't get me wrong. I loved the 90s. I grew up in the 90s. Its just this huge flashback of overalls, crop tops, and wet n wild 949 lipstick I can't get over. Maybe it's that my tastes have changed and I've become this muppets grouch character of disgust over the newer generations. They live in this state of denial and go into thinking that this is the next big thing. This is going to be an innovated way of individuality. They are states of fashion that didn't work in the 90's and as many times as nylon magazine addresses it as a comeback it just isn't working. 2010-2014 will be notorious for being this huge mass up of eras + more eras + shit. I just can't anymore. Walking into urban outfitters, American apparel, forever 21, just these stores geared toward making these baby 90's prostitutes of disgust. Like I get it. I get that it's suppose to be youthful, it's suppose to be fun, but you're making clothes that are two sizes to small and representing all that was wrong in that decade.

It's weird because I can think of so many movies where it was socially acceptable to wear these clothes. Then I think of all the movies people could take cues from instead of relying on everything that's out in front of them. I just hate that everything is one huge fabrication of the same carbon copy. One huge mess but everything and everyone wants to believe it looks good. I guess I can rely this to music and fashion.

Music used to mean something to me. Music had a way of changing that moment everything was so terrible into something beautiful. Now everything like fashion is just a carbon copy of the same beatles, nirvana, de la soul, album. I just want something to change. Something to bring a sigh of relief to an already drought of an industry.

I guess it's just sad knowing that I grew up in such a great time period. I was born in the 80s and grew up in the 90s. I had the best of every world with music, fashion, and icons of talent but now what do we have left. Holding on to this nostalgia that at any minute it's all going to change. That something will breathe life into an industry that's so consumed with focusing on the past. I want to see something new. I want to be moved. I want to feel like I did when "Ready to Die" came out. I want to feel like I did when I received my first pair of unflattering overalls.

When do I get over this notion that something great is going to come along but everything becomes two steps back.

what the fuck dude.

Not working up to your potential.

You know I tend to do a lot of crazy things in my youthful enjoyable life. Many of these ideas I could put in a file cabinet labeled "great idea at the time". Things I wish I didn't say, people I wish I didn't make out with, things I wish I didn't buy, you get the idea. Then there's the things I honestly thought would change into something, instead I am left at a weird crossroads.

For the past 3 days I've done nothing but sleep off this dissolution feeling that everything I am doing is wrong. What I thought was a good idea ended up taking its turn for the worse. Its not even that I am disappointed, it's that I believed this was the fit for me. This was where my heart was taking me. I just see these ideas twirling around in my head and well shit doesn't work out as planned. Friday was a bad day. Friday was one of those days I wish didn't happen but it did. If there was a way to take all the bad and form it into good, I would. I know to reach your dreams you have to come to a place that you know everything is going to take time. I guess maybe this is what this is.

It's all rather cryptic. Friday started off on this high from having a great time with my friends on Thursday. Then Friday I couldn't shake this feeling something was off. Something wasn't very me. I found myself angry at the world, angry at myself, and angry that no matter how hard I try its the cards that I'm dealt that handicap my feelings. It's so easy for others to grasp this complex systems. Find a way to shortcut to these illusions of their dreams. Yet time again I am the one picking up all my broken pieces to make them whole. Why is that? Why is it so easy for other people to barely lift a finger and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders? I did what any normal person would do, I cried. I cried, sobbed, cried, dry heaved, and cried some more. It was this whole way of thinking that people think my life is so easy until they stand a minute in my shoes. I didn't care if I sounded crazy. I didn't care if people would think less of me. That's exactly how I felt at that moment. Then I wiped away my tears and picked myself up. I took that ride into the city and felt the sunshine take everything away. It's going to be a hard battle but it's something I wanted to do. Something I argued with people that, things happen for a reason.

I went into work still shaken but wasn't going to allow it to interfere with what was going on. I was leaving my personal life on the Dublin Bound Bart train. I went into work eager to start the day. Talk to the interesting people that walk into the shop. Converse with my co-workers. Learn about new ways to captivate an audience. Whether my aura was on show, every customer that came in just wasn't interested. It went from language barrier issues, to talking about financial issues. Before I knew it I was being snapped at about expectations, speeding up my delivery, and being more focused. I just don't know how much I can engage a person about spending money on a fucking 30 dollar lotion? It's not lack of confidence it's relating to the customers as I was told to do. By mid shift I was eagerly anticipating my break. Sit upstairs collect my thoughts and just finish up the rest of my day.

I was fine

I was good.

It's that moment where you know everything is going to change the way you see things into a life lesson. I never took my break. I roped myself in with a variety of clients and knew that I had no say to when I'm suppose to step back and take it. Before I had a chance to break free another set back. Another lecture about expectations, coaxing the client. Whether it was the day or just my emotional rollercoaster, I was sent home. Angry I wasn't. Not that 30 minute car ride to find parking, not that hour long train ride to get into the city. Not time wasted on getting ready when I was already a mess. That's all personal. That's all inside. What changed how I felt about the situation was even after being told "We all cry, it's okay to cry" was being told "We all feel this way when we are not working up to our potential". I just about lost it.

Not working up to my potential? Are you fucking kidding me?

In my 13 plus years and various job titles, I have never in my life been told "not working up to my potential". Of course I shouldn't take it to heart it's just retail. But really? I had never been told that in my many years of working. So then I took it really to heart.

Am I not doing everything up to my potential? Am I still in this fantasyland way of dreaming? It doesn't help that when you read more into things you tend to believe that everything you're doing is wrong. Should I have stayed in school? Should I have joined a different career path? Should I have listened to everything people had said?

I guess being angry about that situation isn't helping anyone. I do believe that situation should have been handled differently. Words have a way of infecting the darkest aspects of your soul and when you already feel a million feelings, it's not best to pollute with other nonsense. I just feel haunted by those words. "Not working up to your potential". As if I did something wrong. Going into that job I was eager to learn everything, I enjoyed the product, I was passionate about the company. Which I still am but the selling aspects are just a bit ridiculous. I am not going to hound a person to sell products.

This is where I am. This is how I feel. Now it's just this feeling of starting over and why didn't I get this idea in the first place. I want to do a lot of things in my life. I want to be able to do these thing but being here isn't helping. Working there isn't going to solve anything. While I still enjoy the company and it's politics, it's time to move on. While this social experiment worked for just a few weeks, I'm ready to let go and start again.

here's to starting over.