Thursday, April 4, 2013

I'm the only one that needed saving.

It's weird how things tend to remind you of memories. Songs that transport you to a place that you have forgotten and already let go. To say that I don't care I would be lying, to say that I have forgotten would be just the same. Its this haunting feeling that no matter what I do I can't help but have this conversation with myself. The past and the present are nothing but twisted memories, the future just tends to take everything farther away. I hate to say that I thought about you today, to even remember who I thought you were. It sucks knowing that even if I say nothing at all, its these memories that flashback and show me nothing I want to see.

It's more than just sadness its this anger I have towards you. I could never hate anyone and lately the more I think of the past the more I hate you. You didn't break what already felt broken, but you lied to me. Everything I thought I believed in was a lie. Everything I once believed we shared were just images that my mind created. I wanted so badly to believe that someone was like me, that I shared something with someone. Instead I just felt more alone than anything. I think its why it's taken me so long to connect with someone. I just have this fear of being fed so many more lies and being hurt all over again. It's these memories I replay when I think of certain times or hear certain songs. It those moments that I thought I could forget but can't help but be roped into. Long gone are the moments I thought would last forever. The moment you said something that would light up my world have just tarnished and dimmed away. It was always you against the world and you paid no attention to how it would affect others. You could care less about how your actions would change the course of peoples feelings. Words were just something you used as a armor to conceal what a vile person you are.

The more I find myself trying to breathe the more I can't help but feel more out of breath. Its hard to come to terms with a broken heart. Maybe that's what this still is. I feel nothing towards anyone, the more I try and think if I even feel anything toward you the more angry I become. I felt forced into a situation I couldn't get myself out of. I wanted so desperately to be loved and instead everything fell apart. What was suppose to be my saving was my undoing. All I have left from those moments are all the vile and hurtful things you said to me. It's the words that hurt more then anything horrible I had ever done. There were times I wish you would hit me because then I would feel something. That I would know how much you really hated me. I would have rather you show me what a horrible person I was instead of saying it. I shouldn't think that but I cant help it. The more you opened your mouth the more I realized how much you truly hated me. I was just something to fill a void and you hated me for not being who you truly wanted to be with. I tried to put that behind me, I tried to pretend that it was someone elses fault. I believe you. That was my problem. All I wished was for this sick feeling to go away. That this cloud that has been cast to go away. Then my heart breaks more than the first time. Over and over again. Even after all these years its hard to even think that tears don't stop because you have nothing left. I want nothing from you. I don't even care to see you again. I just wish that I wasn't so fucked up for the next person. The good ones say I should forgive. Yet whats the point in forgiving when you never really got an apology to begin with.

Continue to live is easy. I just want that feeling of wanting to be in Love to return. This hopeful romantic feeling to return to my face that they only show in the movies. Instead I live through bullshit song lyrics and sad attempts of fake reality that only live in my mind. I know one day feelings will return and I won't ever repeat your name again. Until then I just have myself to blame for having nostalgia for bullshit things.