Thursday, January 10, 2013

Time.

On the 19th it will be two months since my Abuelito's passing. I wish I could say that it gets easier with time but truth of the matter is sometimes I feel that it doesn't. The wound is still fresh and the memories are so deep even the most fondest memory seem as if it were only yesterday. When do you reach that moment of "it only gets better with time"? Does it happen in a year? Does it happen in a month?

I've sat here recalling every memory I had with my Abuelito. There hasn't been a milestone in my life that my grandparents haven't been involved in. While I know I am very fortunate to be in my 30's and still at the time have both of my grandparents when many don't. It's selfish to think that I wanted him there when I got married, or to see my first child. It's silly but my family has seen my life through everything and now there's this void I can't understand. I know life goes on, but are we ever really prepared for something to happen to the people that we love? I guess I just have a hard time coming to term with what happened. It's denial, it's not wanting to let go. At the end of the day it's just hard. I saw him no less than a year ago and the very last memory I have of him is holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him. I know I already posted this partially in the last post, I just can't get rid of that image. You realize how precious life truly is. Realize all those days you told someone how much they meant to you, how much you cared and in an instant they could be gone. It's those fondest memories of my Abuelito I'll never forget. The jokes we shared, his presence, his overall charming character that we all loved.

It is hard. It will continue to be hard for a long time . I would give every single material possession I have just for us to have just one more moment with him. I don't know.  I just don't know what to say without feeling sad or upset. No one can tell you to stop crying once the tears start forming. I can't help but remember the first moments of knowing my Abuelito, up until the last.

There are moments in your life that you could live without. The moments you spend time worrying about stupid bullshit, the times you put off moments for more insignificant moments. After everything that's happened lately all I want to do is be around family, be around friends and truly just enjoy someones company. Enjoy the complete simple moments and being blessed by my surroundings. I have spent a lifetime just focusing on the bad moments instead of truly being grateful for all the happy moments. There are plenty of bad moments, bad memories but all the good surpass the bad. Always.

For the time being I'll be sad but at the same time I can't help but think I have the best and great looking guardian angel watching over me from heaven. Honestly that's all I could ever ask for.

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