Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot

In the course of my last post a number of things happened. I am not sure if it's just something I can categorize in the last months of 2012 or if I can lump that in with turning 30. So I am going to categorize with the last months of 2012.

2012 to say the least wasn't bad. It was better than 2011 in that I did more things actively than in 2011 but 2012 didn't come without it's share of hardships. Within the first months of 2012 I lost my best friend. A few months later I lost my job, with in months I turned 30 and a few weeks later my Abuelito passed. At that point you think this is the worst that could happen, then the worst does happen. Within days from returning from Mexico my mom had a heart attack. I can't even begin to think or put together the events that followed after that moment. You think you're finished with the crying and before you know it a waterfall comes out of you. Honestly some days get harder and the other days get easier. Most of the time you just want to curse the world for your problems but you realize that's just what life is. Life has ups and life has downs, Life has a way of changing it all around.

2012 was a learning experience to say the least. Regardless of anything through those hardships you begin to reevaluate yourself, your situation and the people in your life. I learned through the hardship, through the tears that everything that happens is for a reason and most of the time people come into your life just for a season. I can't keep holding on to the past when my present is moving forward. There are people I have let back into my life that did nothing but continue to disappoint me and people that let go that I should have never have done. You live, you learn and then you move on from your mistakes. I can't change the past but I can do everything in my power to reshape my future. While I will admit I am sad about certain situations but I look at my life at this point and know I am going to be okay.

The last remaining two months of 2012 are just one tearful blur. You never really realize how fragile our lives on earth really are until you lose someone you love. It's juvenile and silly but a part of me always wants to believe that people live forever. When my Abuelito would get sick he'd be in the hospital for a week then come home. A part of me didn't want to believe he was sick. I didn't want to believe anything could happen to him. I was naive, I was silly and honestly I expected to show up and my Abuelito to come home. I couldn't begin to tell you how it felt to be out in the cold waiting to go up and see him. I couldn't tell you how it felt to hold my Abuelito's hand or how many times I told my Abuelito how much I cared and loved him. I don't have to tell you that. If anyone saw me right now they would know just how much this man meant to me as well as the lives of my family. When he passed it was just a huge clusterfuck of emotions. Tears, happiness and just complete nostalgia of time that had passed. From that heartbreaking loss came the biggest blow, my mom's heart attack.

Right when you think everything is over something jumps you back to reality. Even to this very moment I can't even tell you how it felt to hear your Mom is in pain. It's a complete sucker punch just knowing she's hurting and there's nothing you can do about it. From the moment she left to the hospital til the moment she came home I haven't slept soundly. All these mental images come into my mind and all I could think about is I don't know what would have happened if I had lost my mom. Even now I can't even think about that. She's fine, she's getting better and before we know it even good as new. I just can't help but be grateful that she's in my life. I can't help but be grateful and through it all I love my mom more than anything.

There was constant changes in my life. With heartbreak comes great happiness and not everything ends in tears. I grew up, I met some great amazing people, and got closer to my friends. With everything that has happened it's great to have a good core of people that constantly care about your well being and the well being of your family. Honestly wouldn't have changed my 2012 for anything in the world. Adventures, journeys, and countless new beginnings.

With that stated I embrace all that 2013 has to offer. While I can't help but still learn from prior year mistakes, it's those years that continue to make us stronger. I have crashed, burn, and done nothing but picked myself up again. If the years past haven't broke me, 2012 sure as hell didn't.

New year, new cheers, and new beginnings

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