Monday, January 14, 2013

A lack of color.

Every year it's the same face, just a different name. Award show, red carpet event, another amazing dress on a variety of different characters. As much as I root for the underdog on all occasions, I can't help but see year after year it's the same person. I love film. I love television. I could recite to you my favorite lines from a lifetime of seeing different aspects of films and shows. Yet lately the older I get the more my inner monologue becomes apparent. When do I finally get a character that reminds me of myself? When will there be a role that becomes such a mirror image to my life as well as the life of my peers.

For every character that's developed it's always another chance to find some sort of relation to them. From the Carrie Bradshaw's to the Liz Lemon's; two complete polar opposite characters but both completely relatable women. There needs to be more of a heroine for diversity. I can't completely hate because at least there are great amazing characters for women but when do we finally get Latina Disney princess? When do we finally get a strong hispanic character? For the past couple of years we find our culture type casted as either lazy, loud, and the comedic relief to generations of leading characters. How can I related to a character that doesn't really relate to anything in my life. While the American aspect of myself has a lot of strong woman role models, I just don't see the same happening for my Latino side. I just want there to be more characters that know exactly what it's like to struggle between two cultures as I have had to all my life.

I am extremely proud of my Latino roots. I am proud to not only be American but be of Hispanic descent. There just really needs to be more diversity, more real characters on television. I've spent years studying and analyzing film; it's always time after time casts of predominately white characters. Majority of the time I don't relate to the major themes of certain TV shows. While I do commend the honesty that shows have I don't find myself screaming that is my life, or this character knows what it's like. Don't get me wrong, I love the Blair Waldorfs, the Carrie Bradshaws, and the Liz Lemons. Completely flawed yet trivial awesome characters. All of them have a sense of uniqueness of style and manner of speaking. They just don't represent a sense of home to me. While a majority of my peers will state how characters are so much like themselves and how they feel a complete relation to their characters it's sad to say that I do not. While we can dress the same, and harbor the same unrealistic dramatized verbiage I don't get a sense of anything. I want something where I can state if you ever wonder about me, well there you go. Just a character that has a sense of confusion in regards to both cultures that I've always felt.

There are aspects in my life that even to this day I am completely confused about. If I say how proud I am to be American, I am a trader to my culture. If I say how proud I am to be Mexican am I a trader to America. Who exactly am I suppose to be when society is telling me that I should only be one aspect of myself. I love both of my cultures. I appreciate everything both countries have given me. How can that ever be incorporated without sounding like a crazy person. How does the American public understand how I was raised when they aren't seeing some crazy reality show degrading their own culture. As much as I don't want to pull out the "white America" card, I can't help but do. Now more than ever should there be more diversity on film and television. I don't just mean the same slapstick comedies, or the same action packed films. I want more relatable films. I want more sense of home. I want something I grew up with.

Maybe in a year, maybe in a couple months. One day soon there will be a someone I can relate too. Someone I can say knows exactly how fucking crazy I feel and how absolutely bat shit crazy my ideas are.

Until then I'll just relay on the hope for the future.


Friday, January 11, 2013

Current Obsessions. 1/11/12

1. Freeman Facial Clay Mask "Avocado & Oatmeal".  I tend to keep to the same facial routine. Take off makeup with makeup wipe, wash with cleanser, dry, and apply Bio Oil. Every once in a while I like to treat my face with a little TLC and do a facial mask. While I have never been a huge fan of facial mask (the smell, the thickness, etc), I have found a new favorite in Freeman's brand. Not only do they smell good but a packet is literally about a dollar and buying a full size product runs you about 3 dollars. I mean at those prices they are practically giving it away! I used this and after washing it off, my face not only felt amazing but looked amazing as well. A MUST BUY. 
2. TopShop lipsticks. We know my current favorite obsession has to be lipstick, preferably in the pink persuasion. Of all the pink lipsticks I have tried, the ones that say moisturized and the color outstanding as to be TopShop. Of course we know how much I LIVE for TopShop but their makeup and lipstick is amazing. 

3. Talenti Gelato in "Mediterranean Mint". I am not an ice cream fanatic, lets just get that straight. I won't go out of my way to rummage the freezer for ice cream but all that has changed. A friend of mine recently posted a photo of this delightful gelato and of course I was hesitant. All that hype for "gelato"....pleaaaaase. Since I like mint ice cream, and I like gelato....I gave it a try. Well I am hooked. Any time I finish a little pint, I continue to restock my freezer with this little gem. It's absolutely amazing. PLEASE GIVE IT A TRY!!!

4. Prabal Gurung for Target. has just released the full 80 piece lookbook for this collection. It's absolutely and total Prabal. Personally I want 3 dresses, 2 pair of shoes, and a necklace, of course I do. I will continue to lust over the collection until Feb 10 rolls around.

Thursday, January 10, 2013


On the 19th it will be two months since my Abuelito's passing. I wish I could say that it gets easier with time but truth of the matter is sometimes I feel that it doesn't. The wound is still fresh and the memories are so deep even the most fondest memory seem as if it were only yesterday. When do you reach that moment of "it only gets better with time"? Does it happen in a year? Does it happen in a month?

I've sat here recalling every memory I had with my Abuelito. There hasn't been a milestone in my life that my grandparents haven't been involved in. While I know I am very fortunate to be in my 30's and still at the time have both of my grandparents when many don't. It's selfish to think that I wanted him there when I got married, or to see my first child. It's silly but my family has seen my life through everything and now there's this void I can't understand. I know life goes on, but are we ever really prepared for something to happen to the people that we love? I guess I just have a hard time coming to term with what happened. It's denial, it's not wanting to let go. At the end of the day it's just hard. I saw him no less than a year ago and the very last memory I have of him is holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him. I know I already posted this partially in the last post, I just can't get rid of that image. You realize how precious life truly is. Realize all those days you told someone how much they meant to you, how much you cared and in an instant they could be gone. It's those fondest memories of my Abuelito I'll never forget. The jokes we shared, his presence, his overall charming character that we all loved.

It is hard. It will continue to be hard for a long time . I would give every single material possession I have just for us to have just one more moment with him. I don't know.  I just don't know what to say without feeling sad or upset. No one can tell you to stop crying once the tears start forming. I can't help but remember the first moments of knowing my Abuelito, up until the last.

There are moments in your life that you could live without. The moments you spend time worrying about stupid bullshit, the times you put off moments for more insignificant moments. After everything that's happened lately all I want to do is be around family, be around friends and truly just enjoy someones company. Enjoy the complete simple moments and being blessed by my surroundings. I have spent a lifetime just focusing on the bad moments instead of truly being grateful for all the happy moments. There are plenty of bad moments, bad memories but all the good surpass the bad. Always.

For the time being I'll be sad but at the same time I can't help but think I have the best and great looking guardian angel watching over me from heaven. Honestly that's all I could ever ask for.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot

In the course of my last post a number of things happened. I am not sure if it's just something I can categorize in the last months of 2012 or if I can lump that in with turning 30. So I am going to categorize with the last months of 2012.

2012 to say the least wasn't bad. It was better than 2011 in that I did more things actively than in 2011 but 2012 didn't come without it's share of hardships. Within the first months of 2012 I lost my best friend. A few months later I lost my job, with in months I turned 30 and a few weeks later my Abuelito passed. At that point you think this is the worst that could happen, then the worst does happen. Within days from returning from Mexico my mom had a heart attack. I can't even begin to think or put together the events that followed after that moment. You think you're finished with the crying and before you know it a waterfall comes out of you. Honestly some days get harder and the other days get easier. Most of the time you just want to curse the world for your problems but you realize that's just what life is. Life has ups and life has downs, Life has a way of changing it all around.

2012 was a learning experience to say the least. Regardless of anything through those hardships you begin to reevaluate yourself, your situation and the people in your life. I learned through the hardship, through the tears that everything that happens is for a reason and most of the time people come into your life just for a season. I can't keep holding on to the past when my present is moving forward. There are people I have let back into my life that did nothing but continue to disappoint me and people that let go that I should have never have done. You live, you learn and then you move on from your mistakes. I can't change the past but I can do everything in my power to reshape my future. While I will admit I am sad about certain situations but I look at my life at this point and know I am going to be okay.

The last remaining two months of 2012 are just one tearful blur. You never really realize how fragile our lives on earth really are until you lose someone you love. It's juvenile and silly but a part of me always wants to believe that people live forever. When my Abuelito would get sick he'd be in the hospital for a week then come home. A part of me didn't want to believe he was sick. I didn't want to believe anything could happen to him. I was naive, I was silly and honestly I expected to show up and my Abuelito to come home. I couldn't begin to tell you how it felt to be out in the cold waiting to go up and see him. I couldn't tell you how it felt to hold my Abuelito's hand or how many times I told my Abuelito how much I cared and loved him. I don't have to tell you that. If anyone saw me right now they would know just how much this man meant to me as well as the lives of my family. When he passed it was just a huge clusterfuck of emotions. Tears, happiness and just complete nostalgia of time that had passed. From that heartbreaking loss came the biggest blow, my mom's heart attack.

Right when you think everything is over something jumps you back to reality. Even to this very moment I can't even tell you how it felt to hear your Mom is in pain. It's a complete sucker punch just knowing she's hurting and there's nothing you can do about it. From the moment she left to the hospital til the moment she came home I haven't slept soundly. All these mental images come into my mind and all I could think about is I don't know what would have happened if I had lost my mom. Even now I can't even think about that. She's fine, she's getting better and before we know it even good as new. I just can't help but be grateful that she's in my life. I can't help but be grateful and through it all I love my mom more than anything.

There was constant changes in my life. With heartbreak comes great happiness and not everything ends in tears. I grew up, I met some great amazing people, and got closer to my friends. With everything that has happened it's great to have a good core of people that constantly care about your well being and the well being of your family. Honestly wouldn't have changed my 2012 for anything in the world. Adventures, journeys, and countless new beginnings.

With that stated I embrace all that 2013 has to offer. While I can't help but still learn from prior year mistakes, it's those years that continue to make us stronger. I have crashed, burn, and done nothing but picked myself up again. If the years past haven't broke me, 2012 sure as hell didn't.

New year, new cheers, and new beginnings