Wednesday, December 25, 2013

I'm known for running my mouth..

I will not be accountable for what comes out...

It's hard to come to a point of forgiveness when you can't come to an agreement of forgetting. I get it people will never fucking change but sometimes I wish they would. Maybe just spend a day in my shoes and understand where I'm coming from. People think that's all it takes is an apology but truth of the matter is it doesn't.

Maybe I'm beating a dead horse. This whole bullshit becomes so repetitive. I just don't understand why I have to pretend to be okay with another persons bullshit. Why people can get this "get out of jail" card for all their crass behavior and I just have to sit there and forgive. 

Truth is I don't understand how two people raised by the same parents can be so different. I was brought up with putting family first, and yet my brother doesn't have the first concept of family. All he has to do is throw a temper tantrum and he gets his way. He screams his bipolar bullshit and everything gets handed to him. Another 400 dollar check, a 2000 dollar camera, and yet nothing is enough. He doesn't come around for holidays. He doesn't make time for anyone. Doesn't speak to anyone outside of his circle of friends and yet that's okay. 

I'm the bad guy. I'm the one that has to be the considerate person to an immature, irresponsible, spoiled brat. When my abuelito died he had no sense of emotion and blames language barriers. Blames lack of communication. When my mom had her heart attack, he had a moment her first night in the hospital. The moment she got out of the hospital he acted as if nothing was wrong that she was fine. However he wasn't the one taking care of her, driving her to doctor appointments etc. 

Yet.

I'm the one that has to baby a grown ass man?

Have to help him book a flight. Have to help him with his taxes. Have to help him because his whole life people have babied him and he hasn't a clue how to handle real fucking life. 

I'm the bad guy. 

I'm the evil one.

I'm the one that "frankly acts like a teenager"...

Sure I live at home with my parents. I've had issues with money. I have a problem with spending before I get it. I may say and do fucked up things but at the end of the day I still know who I am. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not.  It's sad just knowing that he's been treated like the high prince and I've been treated like the evil stepsister. 

I just think it's sad that instead of growing up you've ended up the male equivalent  of veruca salt. Just one fucking vile species of a person.

It sucks. I wish I had my brother back. Someone that actually loved being with family. Loved making movies and loved to learn new things. That person I used to know has died and with him left the spirit of the person I grew up with.    

I'm done. I don't have fight in me anymore to pretend. People ask about my brother and I honestly say I don't know because I don't talk to him. 

But I'm the bad guy. I'm the rotten person. 

Fuuuuuuuck that.  

Saturday, November 23, 2013

hmmm.

I feel at a loss for words.

Mainly just the course of events that manage to happen in my life. I begin to question the logic in everything. Maybe I really am not applying myself to real life situations therefore allowing this domino effect of my present state. How do I know that this isn't just a sign to keep following what I'm doing at the moment? Or is this just some sick wake up call?

I thought I knew. I thought I knew what was going on with everything.

Some situations I just have no one to blame but myself. I can't be angry when I just didn't have my heart all in it. How am I suppose to pretend when my heart isn't fully healed?

Maybe it's being laid off again, the whole lack of money, the whole being single, I'm really not sure.

I get it.

I do.

I'm leaving for Mexico in less than two weeks. I'll be gone for a month and then I'll be able to fully understand the craziness that I feel. Just put to rest a lot of bullshit I've been feeling and truly just be in a different culture, in a different country.

I get it.

I do.

Everything happens for a reason. Things fall apart so better things can be put in it's place. I just wish this didn't feel like I fucked up in some huge way.

I know. Once again.

Everything in it's right place.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Here goes nothing.

There comes a point in your life where you need to hear this quote:
 
You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it
 
I've spent a majority of my life hiding from the world. People handle situations differently, I am no exception. Maybe I truly am weird in how I deal with emotions. Just this nostalgic way of thinking. Lied to all these years by the miracle wonders of television and beautifully scored films. Sometimes you just wish that for the one thing you truly want, you would get just an ounce of that sparkle. Sadly my life can't be written by Woody Allen and Wes Anderson doesn't direct my life.
 
There's moments in your life you wish were easy. Getting over a break-up, moving on from the break-up and just finding that sense of enlightenment. We get there eventually after countless hours of explaining our sob story or in some cases writing it over the internet for everyone to see. I am ready for that next step.
 
Maybe this is the part in my movie where I start becoming awesome.
 
Then you get those moments where you fear the outcome. You fear the rejection and you fear the vulnerability, you're about to put out into the world. It's human nature to be scared to ask the question but its the things that scare you the most that you have to do for yourself. I am far from perfect. I am weird, I watch more films and television then I should and I love food but one thing I am not is a coward.
 
People change, people will break your heart, and it may not make sense at the time but it comes together eventually. Life has a silly way of breaking your heart and it's up to us to find the ways of mending it. I can live with that notion, now all I need is just an ounce of bravery to start all over again.
 
I'll get there eventually.
 
Everything in it's right place.
 
 
 

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

She's going to break soon.

Sometimes I just want to scream and break stuff.

I've literally sat and stared at the bat in my room for the past 10 minutes. If I had any ounce of balls and no fear of ruining any of my stuff I fucking would destroy everything.

Then I really start thinking. It's all just stuff. I've spent a lifetime buying bullshit things I don't need, don't want and for what? Covering up what I feel inside. (Yeah I went a little Kanye West there).

"The things we buy to cover up what's inside"

Tonight just made me think about a lot of bullshit stuff. Being angry makes you turn off the world. You forget about the good and you start feeding off the negativity. The negativity that turns into the sad parts of your existence. When I'm angry I close off the world. I hide, I bite my tongue and stay silent. I hold everything inside until I can't hold it anymore. I don't have the strength for tears because the anger takes everything away. The anger over powers me and my thoughts. Then you reach that point where you break. You just can't fucking take people's bullshit anymore.

Of course I wonder if there's just this target on my back for people to talk to me in the manner they do. That its okay for them to rip me to shreds and all for the sake of my well being. All for the sake of venting out their own frustrations. From people I've dated, to my former friends, to even members of my own family. What gives people the right to bully you and put you down, then pretend nothing happened. It honestly gives me the feeling that maybe there's something wrong with me. That I brought the crazy out of them.

This is where I think of the past. I think of the people and just bullshit situations.

The guy I dated was absolutely rotten. I will say verbally and emotionally abusive, because that's what it was. Sad part was I believed him. I believed every word, mainly because I spent a lifetime dealing with people that were equally or just as vile as he was. I thought that's what I deserved because having someone scream to your face then turn around and tell you they love you, is love. Of course I was wrong but that's where the cycle continued. The guy after that, the same. Not as vile as the last but just as rotten. Then you reach that point that maybe, I'm the one that makes this happen. I cause these people to hurt me.

Friends break your heart and tell you the same bullshit, and you let them because they say they'll always be there. I could count on both of my hands how many times I've heard that story. Just scream to my face and call out my flaws. Then apologize and start all over again. Their misery becomes your own undoing and before you know it you're down their with them. Down there in a pool of the same old bullshit. Family puts you through the ringer and you deal with it because it's all you ever know. Family is the only thing on the planet that no matter how much you hurt someone they have no choice but to love you. It's not fair, and it's bullshit. Some family members get a get out of jail card and everyone else gets the shit end of the stick. It's not fair. Everything is one huge cycle of destructive bullshit.

What can you do? Cry about it?

It's funny cause you look back and think. I should have defended myself. I should have said something. Instead you let people say all these bullshit things and inside your screaming. I'm not the same person I was yesterday, a year ago, or even 4 years ago. You grow a pair and then you realize.. you know what FUCK YOU. Fuck you all and all that bullshit.

Today just was another reminder of the past and how much more bullshit, I've let go to replace with other bullshit. Maybe I should break something, punch something, just do something. Instead I'm going to sit here and write everything all down. Move it out of my way.

In a few months everything will change. I will change. Then everything I write here will disappear.

Until then all I can do is hold my ground and fucking fight. I'm so done with bullshit. So done with the past.

And the A's lost. FUCK THAT SHIT.


Thursday, October 3, 2013

You worry about the wrong things, the wrong things.

There's a few things I wanted to have finished by the time I turned 31. Yes 31, that dreadful new age that seems to be flashing in my mind.

First off. I am in no way shape or form saddened about getting older. Honestly as I've stated multiple times, you couldn't pay me to be in my twenties again. It's just weird when people give me a hard time about my age and I think to myself. Well look...I'm 31 and still look 23, and all the rest of y'all look 35. So who's really going down hill with age?

Not I, homie.

I thought I would have finished the rewrites on the first manuscript. At least gotten somewhere with the new one. It's just sitting down and formulating what I want to say, how I want to feel, just come out so bitter and angry. When did I become so bitter and angry? Is that the age talking or have I always been bitter and angry. So of course I start rereading old posts on tumblr, on blogger, in my diary and instead of being bitter and angry I just sound sad. Therefore I just don't really know what's going on.

That's a lie. I know what's going on. Fear. More fucking fear. I remember I had a friend of mine ask one of her spiritual advisors about what's in store for my career. All I remember is "once you stop being afraid, everything stops being scattered". I stopped being afraid for a long time but sometimes those demons comeback to haunt you. Maybe it's just being sad for everything that's happened. Maybe it's just feeling guilty about living but I just wish from the bottom of my heart that no one ever feels like this. Because it sucks.

The only thing that I'm certain is that I need an escape. Some place that I am certain is going to change my way of feeling. Then when I come back, I'll do Spring Training, Coachella, Paris and then move.

I moved back to get my life back together. Instead it fell more apart then it already was. Josh passed, I lost my two of my best friends, I stopped talking to my brother (the first time), I finally let go of him, I lost my job, my Abuelito passed, my mom had a heart attack and now my nephew passed and I stopped talking to my brother again. I know life happens but when everything tumbles over like dominoes it's hard to just think life happens. You start to believe everything you've once loved falls apart. Maybe I am just bad luck.

People look at me and I know what they think. I know because I've thought that. You know what, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to reach back to the top. It's not going to be easy and no matter how bad it gets, it's always worse for someone else. Just have to find that silver lining in everything I do. With that I'm going to write more, be more proactive and hopefully by the time I return from my journey shit will be in the process of happening. Just sometimes I wish things could have been differently.

Everything in it's right place.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Wackness.

"I see the dopeness in everything, you just see the Wackness".

The backstory on seeing this film was we were all walking the streets of New York and kept seeing these posters everywhere. In New York you see ad's for just about every type of movie, documentary, album release etc. It's a little more scattered and artistic then it is on the West Coast. We kept seeing these posters of huge cassettes and on the cassette was "The Wackness". Of course when I got home I did some research and low and behold the obsession with The Wackness began.

This film is pure. It's corny to say it's a coming of age story. What story isn't a coming of age story right? It's about growing up, falling in love, having your heart broken, and being okay with that. With it's 90's setting, great soundtrack and phenomenal cast you can't help but fall in love with this film. If you were a 90's kid, I highly recommend watching this.






I know what you're thinking of...

It was bound to happen.

The moment your good friend announces they are expecting a child. The change happens. Maybe I just live in a fairyland world. Where we are all young and sing Pat Benatar, drink and talk about the future. The moment my friend announced she was pregnant was the moment I sat back and thought.....what in the fuck.

Of course I embrace all my friends new journeys into motherhood happily. Honestly I am happy for them. They're at that point in their lives ready for commitment and family. I keep thinking am I missing out on something. Is everything good happening somewhere else?

I sit at BBQ's just listening to baby talk, breastfeeding tips, spit up stories, and I just can't help but think how crazy this all is. No more than 3 years ago, we were all getting drunk and talking about the future. My friends are crazy, we talk in movie quotes. We laugh at toilet humor. Sarcasm is what brings us all together. It's just weird to think of my friends as parents. We are the dorky kids that make wise cracks in public situations. We spend hours at the mall like over grown Mallrats, talking about bad fashion choices and more bullshit humor. The future has now become the present and everyone is at that place they wanted to be. Marriage, kids, family. I'm just not there yet.

There's no doubt in my mind that my friends will be amazing parents. They've helped me out on so many occasions. They've been there when I've felt sad, heartbroken, and pretty much gave me hope for the human race. It's just weird to think that babies and marriage change people. While I know my friendship will never change between them, its just weird. I've had friends have kids, I guess it's just weird seeing the process from the beginning. Then I start thinking there's something wrong with me. Shouldn't I be wanting the same thing? A great job, a great relationship, then everything that comes after. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just driving myself mad over it?

My whole stance on dating is if it happens, it happens. After the past two fuck ups, I was done with trying. I just didn't feel this urge for dating. Maybe it was just being on the mend and this need to feel better about myself. How people can jump from relationship to relationship without first healing themselves it's remarkable. That's everyone else. That's not me. I need to sit in a dark room, cry, watch Goodfellas 900 times and find the ways to tell myself I'm going to be okay. I didn't date for 4 years and when I decided to humor myself with dating I ended up with a crazy person. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I just bring out the crazy in people. I just don't see how people can go into relationships fearless as if the past doesn't haunt them. Everyone is rushing to be in relationships I just think, I can't, won't, and will never rush into things. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't I won't be broken again. That's all me though.

It's all just crazy how life changes in the course of a few years. I couldn't be happier for my friends. I couldn't be happier to meet my new little niece or nephew. I can tell you how much I love a person I have never met because it's a product of people I think the world of. I just think it's crazy.

The things I want in my life at this current time seem far fetched. People have called me crazy, people have asked me to start settling down, but that's what drives me. You can't tell me what I can't do, because I'm going to do everything in my power to do it. I want to see the world and tell my story in the way only I can. If somewhere in between relationships happen, awesome I will embrace them. If they don't I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I just never expected people to expect me to drop my dreams for a few of theirs. I have too much going on in my life to focus on letting go of anything. This is my life homie, you all decided yours.

It's just all weird. I guess in a way everything comes together in it's right place. Just sometimes I wish I wasn't the last person standing in a field of fucking dreams.






Monday, September 30, 2013

The world will break your heart ten ways from Sunday.

It's funny how films have a way of hitting your soul when you need them the most. After the course of the past couple of weeks I've started the stages of feeling better. When you feel like hope is lost there's always moments that make it better. After feeling every ounce of human emotion, I'm ready to feel happiness. I am ready to feel love.

I've written countless times about how hard life has been for other people, I forget about my own struggles. People haven't always been the greatest to me. People find a way to break my heart from the moment I meet them to the moment they disappear. I guess this is my way of being okay with that. In order to truly heal you have to admit you're hurting. I can say I was hurting for a long time. I've had people hurt me, break me down, and break my heart. I've ran from many of these problems I've forgotten what it feels like to stand still. All the pavements I've chased are slowly breaking down. Running never solved anything in life. You're left out of breath with an even bigger pain in your chest.

Yes people have hurt me. Yes I've been sad. but you know what? I'm still fucking here.

I'm tired. I'm sad. but I'm okay with that.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I've got my ticket for the long way round..

I am emotionally drained.

Physically and emotionally.

Done with bullshit.

Done with bullshit people.

Done with bullshit situations.

Done with my Death Cab for Cutie listening party.

There are a million of things I should be doing.

Uploading, working on BCS, and saving money. Instead of doing any of the for mentioned things I am currently on blogger and online shopping. Maybe I just need to release some tension and write out my feelings. So I'm giving myself a two week break before I go back to BCS. I just need to write, breathe, and focus on things I need to be doing. Before I know it, it'll be November and away I'll be in another country. It couldn't come at the most perfect time. We all just need a little escape to clear our minds right?

With everything that's happened in the past couple of weeks I just don't know what to feel anymore. It's weird to say that death has a way of making you think about your life. Instead of focusing of all the things I should be doing, I've been focusing on all the things I shouldn't be doing.

I should be doing rewrites
Instead of writing on blogger

I should be editing photos for Broke City Style
Instead I'm watching this hot mess of a game.

I should be writing posts for Broke City Style
Instead I'm writing about things I should be doing and watching this FUCKING HOT MESS OF A GAME!

I should be saving money
Instead of spending before I get it. (WE ALL SELF CONCIOUS I'M JUST THE FIRST TO ADMIT IT)

Here's the thing. It's going to all change. I'm going to finally grieve my nephews death, I'm going to watch a shit load of baseball, I'm going to watch a shit load of great films, and I'm going to focus on just getting my life in order. I've been in such a busy nonstop mood that I haven't had a chance to catch my breath on anything. Instead I'm making up stories on a million different ideas and I can't even begin to write the first verse.

I just need a few nights alone with my headphones and some great tunes. Cry it out and just get everything together.

Also I forgot that SMASH covered "Some Boys" by Death Cab For Cutie. So of course I can't stop listening to it. I couldn't listen to this song for the longest time. Now I hear it and it's like the first time. <3 Beautiful.

If you haven't watched SMASH, I urge you to watch it.



Monday, September 23, 2013

This is fact not fiction for the first time in years..

For the past couple of days it's been Death Cab for Cutie central.

I blame Coachella. (Okay OKAY Death Cab didn't play but The Postal Service did, which in turn made me dust off all the Death Cab for Cutie albums)

 I blame the overall aura of Ben Gibbard and his haunting lyrics.

I can't remember the last time I sat with my head phones listening to these albums. So here I am for the past few nights just sitting and listening to these albums. As if there is something I've missed from the first time I heard them. Some hidden message I missed between the lines.

When you close yourself off from the world you forget the beauty in the music. The vulnerability in the lyrics. You forget that there are people out that feel the way that you do.

Even if it's just in a song.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

"you're going to hate me one day"...

8/11/13



It's funny how words tend to haunt you long after they've been said. That imprint the words leave across your brain that hides for a lifetime then reappear when you least expect it. I wish I could just erase parts of memories and focus on only the good. I understand that there comes a time in your life where everything needs forgiveness in order to grow. What if I just never come to that point? What if these thoughts never change? I used to believe that all I wanted was an apology, something sincere that meant people cared. Then I realized it was just more words and more bullshit excuses, where I play the same part.

I forgive, I move on, then I learn to forget.

FAT CHANCE.

I remember that day vividly. I sat on your bed and we talked. Before anything happened. Before whatever bullshit we got into. You looked at me and said "In a year you're going to hate me. You're going to hate me one day". To be honest I didn't want to think about it. I knew one day people  that you cared about would walk out of your life and you would feel differently about them. You were the last person I ever thought would be so tragic yet so truthful. Then everything feel apart and I lost everything. It sounds silly. This broken record that can't get over the same bullshit. They always said time heals all wounds. My wounds have already scared and its those scars that remind me so vividly of the past.

There are times I wish I could say I don't hate you. Those times that I honestly believed I could be friends with a person that has hurt me. That I could believe in some different dimension things were different and I didn't go through what I did. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so broken. Maybe I wouldn't feel so out of touch with the world. There are times I go back and read everything I wrote from the beginning then I read everything that happened towards the end. This desperation to be loved and risking so much to be let down. I should have never have given you all that power. I should have continued with my first broken heart because only then would I have made sense of the mending. Instead I'm left with these broken pieces, I just don't have the time or effort to put together.

Replaying these fragments of conversations and all I can think about is this anger. Everyone makes mistakes, I get that. You went far and beyond mistakes. I wondered why I kept going back, why I put you on such a high pedestal. Everyone kept telling me how wrong it was to keep going back, to keep pretending there was something there. I guess we just have to learn from our mistakes. Just have to keep making them until we are completely fed up with the fucking results. No matter how many times you made me cry, I didn't want to move. No matter how many times you called me every name in the book, I fucking stood there. Because somewhere in the remains of my broken heart was the guy that told me he cared and would never let me down. I never let people hurt me like you did. I turned my back on people that did far less then what you did. Still I stood, just thinking one day it will be different. One day all this bullshit will stand for something.

The last time I talked to you I was completely done. I felt nothing. I continued to let you say bullshit, I continued to let you say how everything is my fault. How everything I do in life is because of the person I am. Once again it was this cycle. After I saw through the bullshit you told me, I realized I was done. After I didn't see you for a while, I stopped caring. My heart didn't skip a beat, the pedestal you stood on slowly crumbled apart. It's funny to hear people say how you're "such a great person". "such a sweet guy". You're not any of those things. Maybe somewhere deep inside there's still good in you, but where did that go when we were friends? Where was the guy that said he'd always have my back? "Such a sweet guy"....."Such a great person".....

Its easy for people to jump into relationships when they're hurt. Jump from one person to the next person. I can't just open my heart to someone and pretend that it's still beating. For the longest time I felt like I was such a horrible person. You lead me to believe that. Everything I did was wrong and no one could ever care about me as much as you said you did. Truth of the matter was you were just a selfish person and seeing someone else be happy is your biggest unhappiness. I was so stupid to believe you. So fucking stupid. 5 years of the same juvenile bullshit, and I'm the broken one. You don't even have a dent in your armor and I was still fighting this bullshit war. For what? A half ass apology and more lies, I deserved better than that. You parade about being this positive person, that everything is "god's will". I keep thinking how the blood must taste in your mouth for saying such words. How hypocritical you've always been, but I'm the fucked up person.

When I talk to people and look into their lives, they fear having children. They fear owning a house. I'm so scared shitless about even thinking about dating or relationships that I turn myself off from it. Not saying I don't see it happening, I just don't have the faith and heart anymore. That feeling of hope has made me utterly hopeless and the more I get into it the more terrified I become. I know the right person will come along eventually (so I'm told), I just see what happens when it happens. Until then I'll just disappear and enjoy the wise cracks from the singles table.

Ain't Them Bodies Saints.

Before I get into this movie, I just have to state it's been a hard two days. My nephew passed away on Monday and I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. I loved that kid. Of course he's 23, not really a kid but to me he's always going to be just as I remember him. Naturally I can't be around people. I just have to go into my own state of mourning and just turn everything off. I can't be at home. I can't be at the places that make me happy. I just need to be somewhere dark and just forget about everything. Naturally that's where seeing films comes in. Just the dark room of a movie theater and someone else's problems help forget if only for a moment the reality of the day.

Ain't Them Bodies Saints.

I'll be honest. The moment I saw the trailer I wanted to see it. Not as much as "Fruitvale Station"  (we'll get to that later) just this nostalgic haunting feeling that I had to see this film. Luckily The State Theater has been playing some great independent films and I hopped in my car and away I went.

I completely disappeared into this film. More of a grownup approach to a western. With it's outlaw settings intertwined with a love story, it's hard not to feel absolutely captivated into the story. It's everything a western is part outlaw, part rebellion, redemption and tragedy. Had I not been crying for the majority of the day, I would have walked out of that theater in tears. Its something that leaves a tiny scar in your heart. The cast, the score, absolutely outstanding.

If you haven't seen it, by all means SEE THIS FILM.




I've been everywhere and back trying to replace.

I think of the stupidest fucking shit sometimes.

It's having the same song on repeat and after the 5th time hearing it, you think it's going to be different. That you'll feel differently. The melody changes, the lyrics hit you, and well you're back where you started from. Same verse, different story.

Lets just go back to the start.

A friend of mine told me how great this One Republic album was. I believe her. Mainly because she has excellent taste in music, so like I do with most things I let everything wait for the last minute. Few weeks go by and well of course I forgot about my new musical endeavor.

 I'll be real.

 I like One Republic. I think Ryan Tedder is pretty swell.  Just sometimes my head space isn't the in the mood for everything, Ryan Tedder has to say. Of course I can just account this to bullshit feelings from the past and well I happen to enjoy feeling a sense of melancholy when I listen to music. I can't see myself crying to such catchy beats. I've gotten so used to feeling a certain way, listening to the same albums. That was life to me.

Then I heard this song.




I can't even remember where I heard it. I just know that the moment I heard it, as cheesy as it sounds I felt something. I mean there are songs that tug at every inch of your heart strings. "If I Fell" by the Beatles, "Sitting at the dock of the bay" by Otis Redding, "Asleep" by the Smiths....great songs. But "Feel Again" by One Republic......

.....

There's something with that song that just woke something inside of me. Maybe it's just finally letting go of people that brought on this sense of melancholy. Its no longer this feeling of anger or hate, I just want to cleanse my soul of it. It's so easy for people to turn off their feelings. I did. Now look at me, getting cheesy over One Republic songs.

It's just how this songs starts so unexpectedly. The rush of the music, the calmness of his voice and it starts this feeling you thought you forgotten. I've been so caught up in remembering the past, I keep forgetting about the present. I can't go back and change things. I wouldn't want to anyway. I know who people are and the more time passes I know those same people can't hurt me anymore. Had life been different, I would be different. Its taken a bit longer to feel something but I'm getting there slowly.

All it took was a fucking One Republic song to feel that way.

Oh yeah and it's hard to write One Republic without thinking I'm writing One Direction.

Shit.

















Thursday, June 13, 2013

what the hell.

It's sort of funny to stop and think about the past. Back to this time period where you thought in that moment everything you loved would stay forever and nothing would ever change. I used to hate this notion of growing up. This punk ass kid way of thinking that I didn't want to be like my parents, that I only ever wanted to be myself. Live in this generation where it was socially acceptable to do what I love to do instead of following what every one else was doing. When I try to tell this story it's like all of this happened yesterday and reality is that it started 12 years ago. Can I even begin to believe it's been 13 years since I graduated high school, and 12 years since my life changed? Still I sit in the home that I grew up in, rebuilding and constantly rebuilding from the ground up.

But that's a different story.

Whether its that memory of talking about my "glory" years or almost forgetting they even happened. It's been so long since I talked about it that I almost forget it happened. Almost like forgetting you dated someone until someone or something reminds you. Your mind becomes this photo album of different time periods in the background of some beautifully orchestrated soundtrack. Those times you thought those good times would last and instead they drifted farther away from who you are. People have a way of changing into people they swore they would never become. You hold on to this belief that one day it will change, one day they will come back to the person they used to be. The person you would do anything for and instead you're left with a million photographs of nostalgia. Maybe none of that matters anymore. Maybe what I thought was so unique about people was actually their way of showing me who they never truly were.

I don't know whether is the music or just these memories.

You remember almost vividly that first show you went to. How you felt. How you walked in so socially awkward into an open space filled with people just like you. Only wanting to escape from their normal routine schedules if only for the 3 hour duration of this show. You screamed out every lyric, you pumped your fist out to every beat of the song. For that brief moment you felt this freedom you never had before. Your parents never understood it, your boss thought you were crazy but you knew deep down it was something different. Something that set you apart from the rest.

Why I tend to think about it now it's beyond me. I haven't spoken about the past in so long that it's almost like I don't want to forget it. I don't want to go my life thinking it was a dream. I just can't believe that in a short time frame I did so much, when others were still trying to figure things out. Mind you, it was all an escape from growing up but I didn't want to believe that. Where everyone else grew up, I slowly had to eventually.

From the time I was 17 to the time I was 24 I lived in this traveling circus to say the least. I lived, breathed, and woke up to this time period of what I believed was my generations time for music. Before twitter, before instagram, when all I had was my 35 mm camera or at times just a disposable camera. Sleeping on strangers floors, working just to make enough money for the next show. It's weird to think I did that. Now that I can't sleep anywhere that isn't my bed. I wouldn't shower for days, I would just get up reapply my make up and away we went. I would call San Francisco my home, and LA my city. The nights we all spent on 11th and Harrison. To the times I cried, puked, cried again, puked, laughed at 17th at Missouri. Then the times I had lost film, pens, cigarettes, and my heart at geary and fillmore. It's weird to believe that was my life that I spent those times and countless hours in places I can't remember getting to now a day. Now it's this fear of going back and being reminded of the changes when I just want to remain in this bubble. Its these times that have changed a long with the people. Everything that said it would stay clear of social media and the taboo that was technology now asks me to "like" them on facebook. I can't believe there was a time before social media, before committing to relationship via facebook. Was it really just a dream?

Now I can't spend more than a day without showering (two days if I get my hair done). I can't put on the same raggedy tshirt and consider that my outfit for the next 5 days. Now I have to think about things I put out into the world before I'm socially mocked in 5 different media outlets. Where did this pure almost organic period of our lives leave? When did those people that say you were their best friends decided that life was more important than a struggle?

I don't know who anyone is anymore. I can't remember the names of the people I used to believe. I can't even tell you if the last person I kissed meant something to me. But I can tell you where I was when I was 17 and how much it effected my life. I can tell you the producer of 4 different albums in 2004 just by hearing a melody. I can tell you that in 2000 after I graduated my life changed and whether it was for the best so be it. I just wonder when did things get so fucking complicated and future generations feel so fucking entitled to something. You want to know struggle? Try being away from social media for more than 4 hours. Sit and listen to great fucking music and just think. Let everything disappear and then reappear again.

Maybe then people will understand. Only then will this nostalgic way of thinking go away.

little high waisted shorts.

I am not sure what's the fascination with these denim high waisted shorts but I cringe when I see them. It's this whole new generation of kids wanting to live back in the 90s. The hideous 90's wallpaper floral, little backpacks, bongo jeans and yes...denim high waisted shorts.

When in doubt refer to years prior for fashion expertise in one of the most socially fashion handicapped eras.

Don't get me wrong. I loved the 90s. I grew up in the 90s. Its just this huge flashback of overalls, crop tops, and wet n wild 949 lipstick I can't get over. Maybe it's that my tastes have changed and I've become this muppets grouch character of disgust over the newer generations. They live in this state of denial and go into thinking that this is the next big thing. This is going to be an innovated way of individuality. They are states of fashion that didn't work in the 90's and as many times as nylon magazine addresses it as a comeback it just isn't working. 2010-2014 will be notorious for being this huge mass up of eras + more eras + shit. I just can't anymore. Walking into urban outfitters, American apparel, forever 21, just these stores geared toward making these baby 90's prostitutes of disgust. Like I get it. I get that it's suppose to be youthful, it's suppose to be fun, but you're making clothes that are two sizes to small and representing all that was wrong in that decade.

It's weird because I can think of so many movies where it was socially acceptable to wear these clothes. Then I think of all the movies people could take cues from instead of relying on everything that's out in front of them. I just hate that everything is one huge fabrication of the same carbon copy. One huge mess but everything and everyone wants to believe it looks good. I guess I can rely this to music and fashion.

Music used to mean something to me. Music had a way of changing that moment everything was so terrible into something beautiful. Now everything like fashion is just a carbon copy of the same beatles, nirvana, de la soul, album. I just want something to change. Something to bring a sigh of relief to an already drought of an industry.

I guess it's just sad knowing that I grew up in such a great time period. I was born in the 80s and grew up in the 90s. I had the best of every world with music, fashion, and icons of talent but now what do we have left. Holding on to this nostalgia that at any minute it's all going to change. That something will breathe life into an industry that's so consumed with focusing on the past. I want to see something new. I want to be moved. I want to feel like I did when "Ready to Die" came out. I want to feel like I did when I received my first pair of unflattering overalls.

When do I get over this notion that something great is going to come along but everything becomes two steps back.

what the fuck dude.

Not working up to your potential.

You know I tend to do a lot of crazy things in my youthful enjoyable life. Many of these ideas I could put in a file cabinet labeled "great idea at the time". Things I wish I didn't say, people I wish I didn't make out with, things I wish I didn't buy, you get the idea. Then there's the things I honestly thought would change into something, instead I am left at a weird crossroads.

For the past 3 days I've done nothing but sleep off this dissolution feeling that everything I am doing is wrong. What I thought was a good idea ended up taking its turn for the worse. Its not even that I am disappointed, it's that I believed this was the fit for me. This was where my heart was taking me. I just see these ideas twirling around in my head and well shit doesn't work out as planned. Friday was a bad day. Friday was one of those days I wish didn't happen but it did. If there was a way to take all the bad and form it into good, I would. I know to reach your dreams you have to come to a place that you know everything is going to take time. I guess maybe this is what this is.

It's all rather cryptic. Friday started off on this high from having a great time with my friends on Thursday. Then Friday I couldn't shake this feeling something was off. Something wasn't very me. I found myself angry at the world, angry at myself, and angry that no matter how hard I try its the cards that I'm dealt that handicap my feelings. It's so easy for others to grasp this complex systems. Find a way to shortcut to these illusions of their dreams. Yet time again I am the one picking up all my broken pieces to make them whole. Why is that? Why is it so easy for other people to barely lift a finger and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders? I did what any normal person would do, I cried. I cried, sobbed, cried, dry heaved, and cried some more. It was this whole way of thinking that people think my life is so easy until they stand a minute in my shoes. I didn't care if I sounded crazy. I didn't care if people would think less of me. That's exactly how I felt at that moment. Then I wiped away my tears and picked myself up. I took that ride into the city and felt the sunshine take everything away. It's going to be a hard battle but it's something I wanted to do. Something I argued with people that, things happen for a reason.

I went into work still shaken but wasn't going to allow it to interfere with what was going on. I was leaving my personal life on the Dublin Bound Bart train. I went into work eager to start the day. Talk to the interesting people that walk into the shop. Converse with my co-workers. Learn about new ways to captivate an audience. Whether my aura was on show, every customer that came in just wasn't interested. It went from language barrier issues, to talking about financial issues. Before I knew it I was being snapped at about expectations, speeding up my delivery, and being more focused. I just don't know how much I can engage a person about spending money on a fucking 30 dollar lotion? It's not lack of confidence it's relating to the customers as I was told to do. By mid shift I was eagerly anticipating my break. Sit upstairs collect my thoughts and just finish up the rest of my day.

I was fine

I was good.

It's that moment where you know everything is going to change the way you see things into a life lesson. I never took my break. I roped myself in with a variety of clients and knew that I had no say to when I'm suppose to step back and take it. Before I had a chance to break free another set back. Another lecture about expectations, coaxing the client. Whether it was the day or just my emotional rollercoaster, I was sent home. Angry I wasn't. Not that 30 minute car ride to find parking, not that hour long train ride to get into the city. Not time wasted on getting ready when I was already a mess. That's all personal. That's all inside. What changed how I felt about the situation was even after being told "We all cry, it's okay to cry" was being told "We all feel this way when we are not working up to our potential". I just about lost it.

Not working up to my potential? Are you fucking kidding me?

In my 13 plus years and various job titles, I have never in my life been told "not working up to my potential". Of course I shouldn't take it to heart it's just retail. But really? I had never been told that in my many years of working. So then I took it really to heart.

Am I not doing everything up to my potential? Am I still in this fantasyland way of dreaming? It doesn't help that when you read more into things you tend to believe that everything you're doing is wrong. Should I have stayed in school? Should I have joined a different career path? Should I have listened to everything people had said?

I guess being angry about that situation isn't helping anyone. I do believe that situation should have been handled differently. Words have a way of infecting the darkest aspects of your soul and when you already feel a million feelings, it's not best to pollute with other nonsense. I just feel haunted by those words. "Not working up to your potential". As if I did something wrong. Going into that job I was eager to learn everything, I enjoyed the product, I was passionate about the company. Which I still am but the selling aspects are just a bit ridiculous. I am not going to hound a person to sell products.

This is where I am. This is how I feel. Now it's just this feeling of starting over and why didn't I get this idea in the first place. I want to do a lot of things in my life. I want to be able to do these thing but being here isn't helping. Working there isn't going to solve anything. While I still enjoy the company and it's politics, it's time to move on. While this social experiment worked for just a few weeks, I'm ready to let go and start again.

here's to starting over.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

I'm the only one that needed saving.

It's weird how things tend to remind you of memories. Songs that transport you to a place that you have forgotten and already let go. To say that I don't care I would be lying, to say that I have forgotten would be just the same. Its this haunting feeling that no matter what I do I can't help but have this conversation with myself. The past and the present are nothing but twisted memories, the future just tends to take everything farther away. I hate to say that I thought about you today, to even remember who I thought you were. It sucks knowing that even if I say nothing at all, its these memories that flashback and show me nothing I want to see.

It's more than just sadness its this anger I have towards you. I could never hate anyone and lately the more I think of the past the more I hate you. You didn't break what already felt broken, but you lied to me. Everything I thought I believed in was a lie. Everything I once believed we shared were just images that my mind created. I wanted so badly to believe that someone was like me, that I shared something with someone. Instead I just felt more alone than anything. I think its why it's taken me so long to connect with someone. I just have this fear of being fed so many more lies and being hurt all over again. It's these memories I replay when I think of certain times or hear certain songs. It those moments that I thought I could forget but can't help but be roped into. Long gone are the moments I thought would last forever. The moment you said something that would light up my world have just tarnished and dimmed away. It was always you against the world and you paid no attention to how it would affect others. You could care less about how your actions would change the course of peoples feelings. Words were just something you used as a armor to conceal what a vile person you are.

The more I find myself trying to breathe the more I can't help but feel more out of breath. Its hard to come to terms with a broken heart. Maybe that's what this still is. I feel nothing towards anyone, the more I try and think if I even feel anything toward you the more angry I become. I felt forced into a situation I couldn't get myself out of. I wanted so desperately to be loved and instead everything fell apart. What was suppose to be my saving was my undoing. All I have left from those moments are all the vile and hurtful things you said to me. It's the words that hurt more then anything horrible I had ever done. There were times I wish you would hit me because then I would feel something. That I would know how much you really hated me. I would have rather you show me what a horrible person I was instead of saying it. I shouldn't think that but I cant help it. The more you opened your mouth the more I realized how much you truly hated me. I was just something to fill a void and you hated me for not being who you truly wanted to be with. I tried to put that behind me, I tried to pretend that it was someone elses fault. I believe you. That was my problem. All I wished was for this sick feeling to go away. That this cloud that has been cast to go away. Then my heart breaks more than the first time. Over and over again. Even after all these years its hard to even think that tears don't stop because you have nothing left. I want nothing from you. I don't even care to see you again. I just wish that I wasn't so fucked up for the next person. The good ones say I should forgive. Yet whats the point in forgiving when you never really got an apology to begin with.

Continue to live is easy. I just want that feeling of wanting to be in Love to return. This hopeful romantic feeling to return to my face that they only show in the movies. Instead I live through bullshit song lyrics and sad attempts of fake reality that only live in my mind. I know one day feelings will return and I won't ever repeat your name again. Until then I just have myself to blame for having nostalgia for bullshit things.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Prabal Gurung x Target

A new collaboration is upon us. Just in time for the lovely Valentine's Day season. The season of Love and the season of mass consumption of Champagne and chocolate (at least for myself). The Prabal Gurung for Target collection is absolutely lovely. I thought I wouldn't love anything more then the Jason Wu for Target but this is taking the cake. The colors, the cut of the clothes, the patterns, and most of all the accessories. I would be lying if I didn't say I already have my eye on two dresses, two pairs of shoes, and a clutch.

Lets swoon together.


 
 

Current Obsessions. 2/4/2013

It's still really weird type or even write "2013". While I am very happy about 2012 being over it still hasn't hit me that 2013 is here in the present.

back to our regularly scheduled program.

1. La Bello "Classic" Lip care. I was first introduced to this product while in Mexico in desperate need of some chapstick. While searching the local Farmacia I couldn't find my normal go to (Chapstick) and purchased this. Honestly I can never go back to normal chapstick after using this. Not only is it literally the best lip balm in the world it keeps your lips moisturized and completely hydrated. The only way to describe it is it's like putting a non fragrant lotion on your lips. Sadly they are not available in the US and the closet thing to this formula is Nivea lipbalms. Trust I stock up every time I'm in Mexico.

 
 
2. Organix "Coconut Milk Hibiscus" Lotion. I'm really weird when it comes to lotions. I either have to have a very low neutral scent or some very high powerful fruity scent. While browsing my local aisles at the CVS and since I love spending money I decided to give it ago. (Of course after smelling and testing it). Not only has my skin felt heavenly the smell isn't so overpowering. A must get if you are looking for something different. This does not have that sunblock smell that most coconut products have. It's actually rather light and refreshing. 

 
3. Lipstick by H&M. We know I'm a product junkie. We know I love to spend money. We know I probably shouldn't be spending money. Well in one of my many shopping sprees I found myself looking at the makeup products by H&M. I was skeptical at first. I tend to only trust products coming from drugstore like stores but I couldn't stop admiring the color of the lipstick. I went home and tried it and never looked back. The color holds more then regular drugstore products and the color doesn't fade after application or dry out. This holds the same appeal as the Rimmel for Kate Moss collection. Next time you are in H&M and find yourself looking at the lipsticks I recommend you purchase one. 


4. H&M spring look. I saw this look and loved it. Maybe just the simpleness of the same classic outfit but the color combos of black & white is timeless. I love the little crosses on the loose fitted blouse that gives a basic outfit a bit of an edge. Absolutely lovely. Also makes me want to recreate. SWOOON. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

hit it.

In all the times I've gone on blogger I haven't even had a time to really talk about things going on in my life. I sort of just get irritated, angry, or just go on some rambling post about how I'm feeling but never about whats going on.

Shall I do that today?

Why not.

In the time that I fully recovered from November sadness, Holiday Smolidays and officially sobered up my early January. It's weird to even say January is over. I can't believe that it seems like only yesterday I was toasting away 2012 and slurring my way into 2013. Was it me or did January last a lifetime?

With no more sidetracks and just about enough time to renew myself, I have done just that. For the past couple of weeks I've done nothing but work toward this new beginning. Nothing but plan, prepare, and start introductions into movements I'll be making for the rest of my life. All it takes is one idea to change the course of your life and in that one idea that's all I have. So in stating that I started just taking one idea and morphing it into a couple of different ideas. I don't really know whats going to happen I just know that if January is any indication of whats to come then by all means I am ready.

In a few weeks I'm starting a new blog. I can't really describe it. Something different. I get tired with looking at peoples style blogs and always being bored with the same thing. The same person, the same stance, the same boring thing. I hope I can change that. I hope some how I can find the passion I used to have when I picked up my camera the way I did when I was 12 to the way I did when I was 23.  Maybe in a way it's my own personal social experiment. Just to see if in one year finding what is it that really makes me happy.

Still not ready for a relationship. Still not ready to jump into any commitments. I just know that I want to find life in people, places, and things. Then in a few months I will be out of the country and into a completely different atmosphere. Something familiar but completely different then my day to day life.

Something.

Anything.

Then everything in between.

Monday, January 14, 2013

A lack of color.

Every year it's the same face, just a different name. Award show, red carpet event, another amazing dress on a variety of different characters. As much as I root for the underdog on all occasions, I can't help but see year after year it's the same person. I love film. I love television. I could recite to you my favorite lines from a lifetime of seeing different aspects of films and shows. Yet lately the older I get the more my inner monologue becomes apparent. When do I finally get a character that reminds me of myself? When will there be a role that becomes such a mirror image to my life as well as the life of my peers.

For every character that's developed it's always another chance to find some sort of relation to them. From the Carrie Bradshaw's to the Liz Lemon's; two complete polar opposite characters but both completely relatable women. There needs to be more of a heroine for diversity. I can't completely hate because at least there are great amazing characters for women but when do we finally get Latina Disney princess? When do we finally get a strong hispanic character? For the past couple of years we find our culture type casted as either lazy, loud, and the comedic relief to generations of leading characters. How can I related to a character that doesn't really relate to anything in my life. While the American aspect of myself has a lot of strong woman role models, I just don't see the same happening for my Latino side. I just want there to be more characters that know exactly what it's like to struggle between two cultures as I have had to all my life.

I am extremely proud of my Latino roots. I am proud to not only be American but be of Hispanic descent. There just really needs to be more diversity, more real characters on television. I've spent years studying and analyzing film; it's always time after time casts of predominately white characters. Majority of the time I don't relate to the major themes of certain TV shows. While I do commend the honesty that shows have I don't find myself screaming that is my life, or this character knows what it's like. Don't get me wrong, I love the Blair Waldorfs, the Carrie Bradshaws, and the Liz Lemons. Completely flawed yet trivial awesome characters. All of them have a sense of uniqueness of style and manner of speaking. They just don't represent a sense of home to me. While a majority of my peers will state how characters are so much like themselves and how they feel a complete relation to their characters it's sad to say that I do not. While we can dress the same, and harbor the same unrealistic dramatized verbiage I don't get a sense of anything. I want something where I can state if you ever wonder about me, well there you go. Just a character that has a sense of confusion in regards to both cultures that I've always felt.

There are aspects in my life that even to this day I am completely confused about. If I say how proud I am to be American, I am a trader to my culture. If I say how proud I am to be Mexican am I a trader to America. Who exactly am I suppose to be when society is telling me that I should only be one aspect of myself. I love both of my cultures. I appreciate everything both countries have given me. How can that ever be incorporated without sounding like a crazy person. How does the American public understand how I was raised when they aren't seeing some crazy reality show degrading their own culture. As much as I don't want to pull out the "white America" card, I can't help but do. Now more than ever should there be more diversity on film and television. I don't just mean the same slapstick comedies, or the same action packed films. I want more relatable films. I want more sense of home. I want something I grew up with.

Maybe in a year, maybe in a couple months. One day soon there will be a someone I can relate too. Someone I can say knows exactly how fucking crazy I feel and how absolutely bat shit crazy my ideas are.

Until then I'll just relay on the hope for the future.

Blergh.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Current Obsessions. 1/11/12


1. Freeman Facial Clay Mask "Avocado & Oatmeal".  I tend to keep to the same facial routine. Take off makeup with makeup wipe, wash with cleanser, dry, and apply Bio Oil. Every once in a while I like to treat my face with a little TLC and do a facial mask. While I have never been a huge fan of facial mask (the smell, the thickness, etc), I have found a new favorite in Freeman's brand. Not only do they smell good but a packet is literally about a dollar and buying a full size product runs you about 3 dollars. I mean at those prices they are practically giving it away! I used this and after washing it off, my face not only felt amazing but looked amazing as well. A MUST BUY. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
2. TopShop lipsticks. We know my current favorite obsession has to be lipstick, preferably in the pink persuasion. Of all the pink lipsticks I have tried, the ones that say moisturized and the color outstanding as to be TopShop. Of course we know how much I LIVE for TopShop but their makeup and lipstick is amazing. 






 
3. Talenti Gelato in "Mediterranean Mint". I am not an ice cream fanatic, lets just get that straight. I won't go out of my way to rummage the freezer for ice cream but all that has changed. A friend of mine recently posted a photo of this delightful gelato and of course I was hesitant. All that hype for "gelato"....pleaaaaase. Since I like mint ice cream, and I like gelato....I gave it a try. Well I am hooked. Any time I finish a little pint, I continue to restock my freezer with this little gem. It's absolutely amazing. PLEASE GIVE IT A TRY!!!





 
 
 
 
4. Prabal Gurung for Target. Elle.com has just released the full 80 piece lookbook for this collection. It's absolutely and total Prabal. Personally I want 3 dresses, 2 pair of shoes, and a necklace, of course I do. I will continue to lust over the collection until Feb 10 rolls around.
 


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Time.

On the 19th it will be two months since my Abuelito's passing. I wish I could say that it gets easier with time but truth of the matter is sometimes I feel that it doesn't. The wound is still fresh and the memories are so deep even the most fondest memory seem as if it were only yesterday. When do you reach that moment of "it only gets better with time"? Does it happen in a year? Does it happen in a month?

I've sat here recalling every memory I had with my Abuelito. There hasn't been a milestone in my life that my grandparents haven't been involved in. While I know I am very fortunate to be in my 30's and still at the time have both of my grandparents when many don't. It's selfish to think that I wanted him there when I got married, or to see my first child. It's silly but my family has seen my life through everything and now there's this void I can't understand. I know life goes on, but are we ever really prepared for something to happen to the people that we love? I guess I just have a hard time coming to term with what happened. It's denial, it's not wanting to let go. At the end of the day it's just hard. I saw him no less than a year ago and the very last memory I have of him is holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him. I know I already posted this partially in the last post, I just can't get rid of that image. You realize how precious life truly is. Realize all those days you told someone how much they meant to you, how much you cared and in an instant they could be gone. It's those fondest memories of my Abuelito I'll never forget. The jokes we shared, his presence, his overall charming character that we all loved.

It is hard. It will continue to be hard for a long time . I would give every single material possession I have just for us to have just one more moment with him. I don't know.  I just don't know what to say without feeling sad or upset. No one can tell you to stop crying once the tears start forming. I can't help but remember the first moments of knowing my Abuelito, up until the last.

There are moments in your life that you could live without. The moments you spend time worrying about stupid bullshit, the times you put off moments for more insignificant moments. After everything that's happened lately all I want to do is be around family, be around friends and truly just enjoy someones company. Enjoy the complete simple moments and being blessed by my surroundings. I have spent a lifetime just focusing on the bad moments instead of truly being grateful for all the happy moments. There are plenty of bad moments, bad memories but all the good surpass the bad. Always.

For the time being I'll be sad but at the same time I can't help but think I have the best and great looking guardian angel watching over me from heaven. Honestly that's all I could ever ask for.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot

In the course of my last post a number of things happened. I am not sure if it's just something I can categorize in the last months of 2012 or if I can lump that in with turning 30. So I am going to categorize with the last months of 2012.

2012 to say the least wasn't bad. It was better than 2011 in that I did more things actively than in 2011 but 2012 didn't come without it's share of hardships. Within the first months of 2012 I lost my best friend. A few months later I lost my job, with in months I turned 30 and a few weeks later my Abuelito passed. At that point you think this is the worst that could happen, then the worst does happen. Within days from returning from Mexico my mom had a heart attack. I can't even begin to think or put together the events that followed after that moment. You think you're finished with the crying and before you know it a waterfall comes out of you. Honestly some days get harder and the other days get easier. Most of the time you just want to curse the world for your problems but you realize that's just what life is. Life has ups and life has downs, Life has a way of changing it all around.

2012 was a learning experience to say the least. Regardless of anything through those hardships you begin to reevaluate yourself, your situation and the people in your life. I learned through the hardship, through the tears that everything that happens is for a reason and most of the time people come into your life just for a season. I can't keep holding on to the past when my present is moving forward. There are people I have let back into my life that did nothing but continue to disappoint me and people that let go that I should have never have done. You live, you learn and then you move on from your mistakes. I can't change the past but I can do everything in my power to reshape my future. While I will admit I am sad about certain situations but I look at my life at this point and know I am going to be okay.

The last remaining two months of 2012 are just one tearful blur. You never really realize how fragile our lives on earth really are until you lose someone you love. It's juvenile and silly but a part of me always wants to believe that people live forever. When my Abuelito would get sick he'd be in the hospital for a week then come home. A part of me didn't want to believe he was sick. I didn't want to believe anything could happen to him. I was naive, I was silly and honestly I expected to show up and my Abuelito to come home. I couldn't begin to tell you how it felt to be out in the cold waiting to go up and see him. I couldn't tell you how it felt to hold my Abuelito's hand or how many times I told my Abuelito how much I cared and loved him. I don't have to tell you that. If anyone saw me right now they would know just how much this man meant to me as well as the lives of my family. When he passed it was just a huge clusterfuck of emotions. Tears, happiness and just complete nostalgia of time that had passed. From that heartbreaking loss came the biggest blow, my mom's heart attack.

Right when you think everything is over something jumps you back to reality. Even to this very moment I can't even tell you how it felt to hear your Mom is in pain. It's a complete sucker punch just knowing she's hurting and there's nothing you can do about it. From the moment she left to the hospital til the moment she came home I haven't slept soundly. All these mental images come into my mind and all I could think about is I don't know what would have happened if I had lost my mom. Even now I can't even think about that. She's fine, she's getting better and before we know it even good as new. I just can't help but be grateful that she's in my life. I can't help but be grateful and through it all I love my mom more than anything.

There was constant changes in my life. With heartbreak comes great happiness and not everything ends in tears. I grew up, I met some great amazing people, and got closer to my friends. With everything that has happened it's great to have a good core of people that constantly care about your well being and the well being of your family. Honestly wouldn't have changed my 2012 for anything in the world. Adventures, journeys, and countless new beginnings.

With that stated I embrace all that 2013 has to offer. While I can't help but still learn from prior year mistakes, it's those years that continue to make us stronger. I have crashed, burn, and done nothing but picked myself up again. If the years past haven't broke me, 2012 sure as hell didn't.

New year, new cheers, and new beginnings