Sunday, November 11, 2012

We want this like everyone else.

Music has a way of sinking into your heart and reminding you of certain glimpses of the past. Maybe I've been far to harsh in my reality. Leaving everything in my rear view mirror is just something I've been so used to doing. Then beautiful words intertwined with beautifully orchestrated music change everything. Before you know it you're swept up by the music and back to the exact moment where you heard this song. Now while I've been one to want to completely forget, it's hard when something so beautiful fills your ears and you find yourself reminiscing.

If there was a way to be locked into a dark room with a pair of headphones and a never ending supply of music I would do that in a heartbeat. Anything to find something that would reach a moment where things meant the world to me. Instead I am stuck with hearing songs of the past and the people these songs are associated with. Can we ever really escape our past if it tends to follow us in song? Music is always incorporated into every aspect of my life but sometimes the memories that come with it are too much to deal with. No matter how many times to we try to forget the universe wants us to remember in order to truly move on. In a way I know I can't hide from my feelings forever but sometimes for just a minute I want to throw my past behind me and continue moving forward. Then  moments hit you like a ton of bricks and you can't help but think of everything. A voice, a feeling, even a slight change of the season changes everything you feel.

Some days I wish I could have my memories erased. Everything that ever made me feel weak, or vulnerable to people. Then it would make forgetting them so much easier. No matter how many times I go through my days and go about my journey, it's my dreams that remind me of people that still exist. I wish things were different. I wish people truly did change. More importantly I am just wishing that I was able to fully open my heart and truly forgive. Then again opening up my heart would mean that I would finally have a heart. By that time the music returns and it's starts all over again. The familiar faces, the beautiful sounds, and those everlasting memories that are just to unbearable to forget.

I want to forget don't I? I want to believe that everything will only be a small fragment of my life instead of a huge montage of photographs with a soundtrack. How can I truly ever forget when everything is a constant reminder? That's just one of life's funny ways of keeping you grounded. These memories that return through song are the only ways we remember who we used to be. I can grit my teeth and choose what I would like to remember. It's always the same. Lost loves, lost friendships and beautiful songs that remind you of the past. Eventually I won't have to look back anymore, soon it will all just be a simple memory. Until I reach that moment I will just continue to have my little flashbacks. All put together by a beautiful soundtrack.

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