On October 31, I turned 30.
My youthful years are slowly seeping out of my hands like sand through an hour glass.
For the past couple of weeks leading up to my birthday I had a lot of time to reevaluate my life. Of course what better way to think about my youth then by listening to Frank Ocean "Channel Orange". Something about the way he sings soothes into my bones and deep in my soul. It's just a huge series of emotions that follow up into one of the biggest milestones of my adult life.
Okay just looking at the number makes me sort of feel dramatic. I don't look thirty. I feel older but thirty? Does anyone ever really feel thirty? Can you even feel a number?
Back to what I was getting at. Sort of went through my whole past couple of years. My teen years which were awkward and semi depressing. My twenties which were dramatic and full of self doubt. Now getting into my thirties I don't feel the way I did in my prior years. Is it weird to say I feel at peace? I always thought that becoming 30 meant I was suppose to have all the things a normal individual would want. I should be with someone, I should have a family, I should have settled down. I should have, I should have, I should have. A different path choose me and I went on this wild ride. I've said it multiple times that while emotionally I didn't feel 100% my life is what made me a stronger person. I wouldn't change anything that happened from the past for anything in the world. The choices I made, the people I met and everything else in between made all the difference in the world. Now while I may not talk to the people I did a couple years ago, or I do the things that I did I'm still here and I won't be going anywhere any time soon.
Sure there's things I regret. People I wish I wouldn't have been associated with. I can't go back and change things, no matter how much I want to. If there's anything left unsaid I just hope the universe relays the message. All I can say about the matter is I am human and I make mistakes. Even though I've learned a lot, I am still growing up. I will make mistakes along the way but no matter what happens I will be okay. What I learned about my past is while I sat and waited for the reassurance of my peers I realized the only approval I needed was my own. Of course this is all things you realize once things change in your life.
Who knew right?
Maybe I won't feel 30 until my late 30's but at this moment I'll just believe that I'm still living in my youth. There's still so much I need to accomplish before I think about having a family and settling down. I want to be able to live my full selfish life before I have to put others first. I know where I am going in my life. I know the steps to lead me to where I need to be. It took me a couple of years to realize how much power I have over my surroundings but I will get there. A little longer than I would have liked but I know eventually soon everything will fall into place.
Everyting in it's right place.