Wednesday, November 14, 2012

30 is the new 20.

On October 31, I turned 30.

Yes. 30.

My youthful years are slowly seeping out of my hands like sand through an hour glass.

For the past couple of weeks leading up to my birthday I had a lot of time to reevaluate my life. Of course what better way to think about my youth then by listening to Frank Ocean "Channel Orange". Something about the way he sings soothes into my bones and deep in my soul. It's just a huge series of emotions that follow up into one of the biggest milestones of my adult life.


Okay just looking at the number makes me sort of feel dramatic. I don't look thirty. I feel older but thirty? Does anyone ever really feel thirty? Can you even feel a number?

Back to what I was getting at. Sort of went through my whole past couple of years. My teen years which were awkward and semi depressing. My twenties which were dramatic and full of self doubt. Now getting into my thirties I don't feel the way I did in my prior years. Is it weird to say I feel at peace? I always thought that becoming 30 meant I was suppose to have all the things a normal individual would want. I should be with someone, I should have a family, I should have settled down. I should have, I should have, I should have. A different path choose me and I went on this wild ride. I've said it multiple times that while emotionally I didn't feel 100%  my life is what made me a stronger person. I wouldn't change anything that happened from the past for anything in the world. The choices I made, the people I met and everything else in between made all the difference in the world. Now while I may not talk to the people I did a couple years ago, or I do the things that I did I'm still here and I won't be going anywhere any time soon.

Sure there's things I regret. People I wish I wouldn't have been associated with. I can't go back and change things, no matter how much I want to. If there's anything left unsaid I just hope the universe relays the message. All I can say about the matter is I am human and I make mistakes. Even though I've learned a lot, I am still growing up. I will make mistakes along the way but no matter what happens I will be okay. What I learned about my past is while I sat and waited for the reassurance of my peers I realized the only approval I needed was my own. Of course this is all things you realize once things change in your life.

Who knew right?

Maybe I won't feel 30 until my late 30's but at this moment I'll just believe that I'm still living in my youth. There's still so much I need to accomplish before I think about having a family and settling down. I want to be able to live my full selfish life before I have to put others first. I know where I am going in my life. I know the steps to lead me to where I need to be. It took me a couple of years to realize how much power I have over my surroundings but I will get there. A little longer than I would have liked but I know eventually soon everything will fall into place.

Everyting in it's right place.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Current Obessions 11/11/12

1. Ellie Goulding "Anything could happen". While I wasn't crazy over the "Lights" album, I have been swooning over this album. I can't go a day without listening to this track especially. I love, love, love her music. 
2. Nars Lip pencil in "Dragon Girl". Of course lip pencils will forever remind me of my cholla days of dark lip liner and lighter color lipstick. These lip pencils are amazing (then again it's Nars). Dragon girl is literally to be a great shade of red. New fave.

3. Pellegrino. I drink a lot of water. Lets just put it out there. I know my instagram probably shows otherwise. I tend to drink at least 2 liters of water a day so imagine my surprise that moment I started liking sparkling water. I hated mineral water when I was younger but recently someone gave me a bottle of Pellegrino and after 1 sip I was hooked. I can't stop buying bottles (has to be in a glass) and absolutely enjoying drinking. 

4. Hotel Chelsea. Nothing SCREAMS New York music scene like the Hotel Chelsea. I have had the privilege of staying here at least once in my life and every time I am in NYC I have to stop by and say hello. I cannot wait to return to you Hotel Chelsea.

5.  Ryan Adams & Mandy Moore. Absolutely love him, never really cared for her but somehow together they work. They do make an absolutely lovely couple. 

We want this like everyone else.

Music has a way of sinking into your heart and reminding you of certain glimpses of the past. Maybe I've been far to harsh in my reality. Leaving everything in my rear view mirror is just something I've been so used to doing. Then beautiful words intertwined with beautifully orchestrated music change everything. Before you know it you're swept up by the music and back to the exact moment where you heard this song. Now while I've been one to want to completely forget, it's hard when something so beautiful fills your ears and you find yourself reminiscing.

If there was a way to be locked into a dark room with a pair of headphones and a never ending supply of music I would do that in a heartbeat. Anything to find something that would reach a moment where things meant the world to me. Instead I am stuck with hearing songs of the past and the people these songs are associated with. Can we ever really escape our past if it tends to follow us in song? Music is always incorporated into every aspect of my life but sometimes the memories that come with it are too much to deal with. No matter how many times to we try to forget the universe wants us to remember in order to truly move on. In a way I know I can't hide from my feelings forever but sometimes for just a minute I want to throw my past behind me and continue moving forward. Then  moments hit you like a ton of bricks and you can't help but think of everything. A voice, a feeling, even a slight change of the season changes everything you feel.

Some days I wish I could have my memories erased. Everything that ever made me feel weak, or vulnerable to people. Then it would make forgetting them so much easier. No matter how many times I go through my days and go about my journey, it's my dreams that remind me of people that still exist. I wish things were different. I wish people truly did change. More importantly I am just wishing that I was able to fully open my heart and truly forgive. Then again opening up my heart would mean that I would finally have a heart. By that time the music returns and it's starts all over again. The familiar faces, the beautiful sounds, and those everlasting memories that are just to unbearable to forget.

I want to forget don't I? I want to believe that everything will only be a small fragment of my life instead of a huge montage of photographs with a soundtrack. How can I truly ever forget when everything is a constant reminder? That's just one of life's funny ways of keeping you grounded. These memories that return through song are the only ways we remember who we used to be. I can grit my teeth and choose what I would like to remember. It's always the same. Lost loves, lost friendships and beautiful songs that remind you of the past. Eventually I won't have to look back anymore, soon it will all just be a simple memory. Until I reach that moment I will just continue to have my little flashbacks. All put together by a beautiful soundtrack.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Emma Watson.

Once in a great while an actor will grow up before your very eyes. A lot can be said about Emma Watson's previous work in the Potter franchise. She was Hermione Granger, now that the Potter movies are over what happens to child actors? They either go the desperation route or they further explore their craft and showcase their true talents.

I will say it I love Emma Watson. How she portrays herself as a person and as an actor. Not to mention she is extremely photogenic and has a great sense of style. At the moment I am currently obsessed with these photos from the New York Times T Style pages.

Current Obsessions. 11/9/2012

1. Aaron Paul. It's great to see awesome talented people finally get the recognition they deserve for their talents. To see Aaron Paul be praised for his talents and rewarded is awesome. Goes to show in an industry of copycats and remakes talent will always over shadow hype.

2. Passion and Nostalgia. There was a time in my life where I wouldn't leave the house without my camera. While I still take pictures it's more for my personal benefit than gain. I'll never forget how much love I feel for capturing beautiful images. 

3. The Five Year Engagement. I will just say it now. I love Jason Segal and Emily Blunt. Put them in a movie together it's automatically going to be my favorite movie. I laughed, I cried, and I just about fell even more in love with both of them. 

4. Air Yeezy 2. I pretty much need these shoes. Since I am afraid of buying bootlegs I'll just wait until the Air Yeezy 3's come out. But either way my guru Kanye West makes the best of everything.

5. Lana Del Rey for H&M. What can I say Lana Del Rey sure does photograph well and I pretty much want all of the clothes in these photos. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Perks of being a wallflower.

Lets start off by saying that Perks of being a Wallflower is our generation's catcher in the rye with elements of the great gatsby. Of course when I mean OUR generation, I mean the generation that was born in the 80's and raised in the 90s. I remember when this book came out and what a big deal it meant. It was showing the reality of being a teenager and coming out of your shell with the help of people that will change your life forever.We all have stories, we all in some way, shape or form have been Charlie. Making a film of such a beautiful story could only be told by the author himself Stephen Chbosky.

To put into words what the film meant to me just brings a huge sense of emotions. The story was true to the book in the best form hollywood would allow. The music was impeccable. The cast was just brillaint. Everything about this film brought to life the emotions you felt in your head when you read the book. Logan Lerman did a fantastic job of being Charlie and I couldn't tell you how many times I cried at the end of the film. It wasn't saddness it was almost just this complete beautiful lonileness and the realization that no matter how many times you've felt alone you will always have people to be there for you.

If you're fans of the book, or even if you haven't read the book I advise you to please not only see this film but read the book. You will not be disappointed.

Let's go Oakland.

I will be honest. If you were to have told me that at this current moment I would be having baseball with drawls I would have told you, you were out of your damn mind. More importantly that I would have gone to a total of 14 baseball games this year I would have also told you I had better ways to spend my money. So imagine my surprise how I rekindled love for the game and more importantly my team the Oakland Athletics.

Here's the thing. I have always been an A's fan. Have I been proactive about this team? No. Have I gone to A's games prior to my new found love? Yes. Was I sober at any of the for mentioned games? Well no. The only thing I can say about baseball was at the time I thought it was the most boring sport in the world. Golf was the first most boring sport, coming in at second was baseball. Anything having to do with baseball was ridiculous. Aside from the countless movies that made baseball the most greatest sport on the planet that was the only way I found baseball interesting. Through a beautiful scored soundtrack, wonderfully gifted actors, great direction and phenomenal screenplay anything is possible.

When my friend Hilda invited me on a tour of AT&T Park (Home of the San Francisco Giants) I wasn't aware of how that would change my outlook of the sport. Going on a tour with fellow baseball fanatics is different then going on a tour with people who don't care about the sport. To see how a complete empty patch of nothing came to become one of the most beautifulest parks in the states is overwhelming. The recent history as well as behind the scene features made me wonder more about the sport as well as the people that were in love with the sport. I started doing my own research on the sport, my team's standings as well as familiarize myself with something I knew nothing about. People thought I was crazy. Nobody understood how I went from talking about fashion, food, and film to talking about a sport I knew absolutely nothing about.

Of course the time that I got involved with the sport couldn't have happened at a better time. I lost important people of my life, I lost my job and instead of crying about my losses I found something to occupy the emptiness I felt inside. With the help of a pact I made with Lily (someone I had met through Hilda on the tour, huge Giants fan) we vowed that for every Oakland game Lily went to I would in turn go to a Giants game. I wouldn't have gotten through this summer if it wasn't for Lily. Baseball doesn't become interesting until you met someone that makes everything fun for you. For every strike, stolen base there's Lily that has the same twisted sense of humor you do about things. The only two people on this planet that ever took time to explain and be patient with me about a sport are Hilda and Lily. They didn't make fun of things I said, corrected my explanations and made jokes with me about every other team that weren't teams from the west coast. I guess you can say they created a monster because through them I started understanding what I was reading, watching, even understanding every call as it was happening. Before I knew it I watched from Game 1 until the post season. It wasn't just my team I was watching I was commenting I was getting more involved and feeling a different sort of passion then I had for any thing else.

In a way going on that tour was the gateway into the sport. Lily was the person that changed the whole game for me. You realize how much you learn from people just by how passionate they are for a team. You yearn to find passion in something so much that it hurts your heart as well as brings a smile across your face.

There are many reasons why I am an A's fan. Aside from the growing number of put downs I've heard about being a fan it's knowing that no matter how many World Series they've won, no matter how many times they have defied odds they will always be the under dogs of the MLB. It doesn't matter that they've won 20 games in a row, or that they've paved the way for so many hall of fame veterans no one will ever look at the A's as they do the Yankees or the Giants. Every season they regroup their band of misfit players and play for miracles. It's more than just wins, its earning the respect of their peers that told them they would only win at most 70 games this season. They won 94 and AL West Division Champions. I cheered, insulted, cried, and did countless superstitions with this team. Even if they didn't make it to the World Series even after they lost to Detroit in Game 5 I still cannot get my mind off hearing the chanting so crystal clear from the TV. There is nothing like seeing people that were completely misjudged by an industry of perfectionists, find respect among their peers and among their fans.

If you ask me why I'm an A's fan it's simple. I've been the misfit, the broke down, beat down, black & blue. I know what it's like to be the under dog and want the respect of my peers. All it takes is one magically season to turn it all around. Seasons come and go. Players get traded, people change but I will never forget how I felt this whole season. I met some great people, rekindled relationships with family memebers and more importantly grew to love a sport I never thought I would ever love. With that stated I will never stop rooting for you Oakland. No matter what happens next season no one can take away the magic that happened this season. Thank you Oakland for filling my heart with hope, because it's when I've lost everything that this team brought some of the greatest influencial people in my life. Thank you Lily, Hilda, Anthony and importantly Bob Melvin and Billy Beane.

This one is for the under dogs.

"Lets go Oakland".


*I'll be posting quite a few times today, since I haven't posted in weeks. BE PREPARED! You have been warned*

Don't you hate the moment you completely forget about a person, someone has to remind you of their existence. It's not that you would wish anything bad upon a person it's just they have been the furthest from your mind and you'd like to keep it that way. Imagine my surprise when my Nina mentioned something out of the blue about "boyfriend".

Okay back story.

I met "boyfriend" on a camping trip with my Nina's family. To put it in technical terms he is actually my Nina's husbands cousin. Lets just get this straight I was in no shape or form attracted to this guy. I didn't even give this guy much thought, but since I had a banter with him people assumed differently. Thus the nickname "boyfriend" was coined for him. Boyfriend was an asshole. Simple as that. I didn't say no more than 11 words to this guy but everyone would keep making jokes about our "relationship". I played along. It's what I do. I am not sure if people thought because I am alone that I am lonely (which I am not) but my Nina made some sort of attempt at a love connection disguising it as helping Boyfriend with project.

I am clueless to the male species. Ryan Gosling himself could tell me that he loved me and I would do nothing but laugh. It's not insecurity or anything it's just comical to me. Maybe it's just knowing who I am and it's hard for me to think that people can see past all my bullshit and find anything I do remotely cute or attractive. Hey that's just my own weirdness. I get that. So the whole boyfriend thing was just humorous to me. I knew what my Nina and Boyfriend were doing. If anything from the whole experience I just wanted a guy friend.


Friend and nothing more.

I knew boyfriend liked me. So in some cases I was humoring the fact of trying to like him. That's what everyone I know does. They learn to like someone, get into a relationship and then fall in love. That's what is suppose to happen right? I was dead wrong. He was a fucked up person. I never saw him face to face, we never talked on the phone all we ever did was text each other. If I am not seeing you in the flesh then why on earth would I want to date you?  No matter how many times I initiated a hang out he was always "busy". The whole point of him talking to me was to work on a project which never existed. Some where in his warped mind he was convinced we were dating. Instead of initiating time to actually hang out he formulated in his mind that what we were doing was a relationship. Of course no matter how many times I told him we were friends that all I was looking for was friendship he was convinced otherwise. I am not sure whats worse. Humoring the situation or just toying with the idea.

I didn't want to date him. I gave him no indications that we were. All I did was talk to him in the way I talk to all my friends. Since everything was through text messages he must have saw something that I didn't see. Which lead him to be completely bipolar and shallow at times. Then came the worse stuff the derogatory terms he'd call me thinking it would win a way into my heart. I am not sure if it's just society to begin with but every single guy I have ever been friendly with thinks that talking dirty to me is cute. Honestly it's makes me uncomfortable, I think its disgusting and I am not dating you why would I talk to in that sort of way?

Something happened which even to this day I can't even remember what happened but Boyfriend was insulted by something I said and proceeded to call me names then he "broke up" with me. Mind you. I have never seen him face to face. I couldn't even tell you what the sound of his voice sounds like. I couldn't even tell you what he looks like. So him breaking up with me and then asking me for all the numbers of my single friends, I wasn't in any means heartbroken. I thought it was hilarious. A week later when he tried contacting me I ignored him. I told my Nina what happened and how fucking crazy he was and she said she was sorry she tried to set us up. For a couple months I didn't hear anything about him. I knew he started dating some other girl but no one really mentioned anything about him in my direction and even when I'd see his mom I'd still make jokes about us being together.

Honestly that whole situation was a complete waste of my time. Bullshit even. Just thinking if I had been some desperate girl what would my life be at this moment. I was bothered at the fact that I bought into it in a way. I really wanted to believe that maybe being with someone wouldn't be so bad. All my other friends are in relationships maybe I can learn to like this guy. I just get so used to the same type of person. The jokes, the banter, the overall narcissism and for a moment he almost became somebody I could actually like. Reality hits and I realize that he isn't and will never be who I want. At the end of the day my heart knows what I want more than anything. I will not settle for anything less than seeing sparks.

Imagine my surprise to hear about his life and just how things are going with him. It took me a moment to realize who my Nina was talking about. All I could feel was a sense of relief all of which I concluded with my signature eye roll. All of that would have been me. I would have to be dealing with his bullshit. Dealing with his drama and the only thing I could honestly think of was, I dodged a bullet. Who knows maybe deep down he is a good guy. Maybe people can change. Or maybe just maybe people finally get what they deserve.