Monday, October 1, 2012

lost.

You would think by the time you reach the end of your twenties you would be in the career of your choice. That would you meet a special someone, live in a small house in south central LA, raise some kids and just have IT. Here I am on the brink of the last remaining days of my twenties and I am literally starting from the ground up. I know this isn't failure but this has to be on the most hardest thing I have ever done. How do you start from absolutely nothing, from just a fragment of an idea and have everything fall into place? In some aspects I am very scared. I know at the end of the day if something doesn't go right I can always go back to different sources but I am tired of fall back plans. I am tired of being jealous of other people accomplishing things and I am still here trying to make something for myself.

It sucks having all these things inside of me and sometimes having no one to talk to. Its not that I want someone to tell me that everything is alright, I just want to see someone face to face and cry. I know I am not hopeless. Just sometimes I have those feelings of being lost. I just find ways to occupy my time instead of seeing things for what they are. I am scared, I am heartbroken at times and sometimes I just want to sit in a dark room and cry. Sadly I can't do that.

Let me just rephrase what I put. I DO have people to talk to but I don't have anyone that I can just call up in the middle of the night and drive over. Does that make sense? I don't feel lonely by any means but I will admit when things happen I miss having that person I can just get a facial reaction from.

I sound crazy.

I am done crying.

I need to just enjoy these remaining years of my twenties which by the way my twenties were not that awesome. Who knows maybe I'll raise out of my twenties like a Phoenix into supreme awesomeness.

Dear Lord I hope so.

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