Thursday, September 13, 2012

What is love?

To be honest this post has been written and rewritten about a million times over. It's been deleted, saved, and then erased. Maybe that's what happens when you think about what is truly troubling you. Not that there is anything troubling me but sometimes glimpses in the past make you very aware of who you were then as opposed to the person you are today. So as I stated in the title "what is love?" I found myself reading stories for the past week about personal struggles and strengths and the will to continue on. It's not just a love for another person it's the love you have within yourself to be stronger. With that stated here goes nothing.

A couple of years ago I had my heart broken. It was more than just emotional and physical verbiage it was everything. I can't just pinpoint that moment when everything just feel apart but this huge domino effect lead to so many fucked up things. Life broke my heart and to cope with the pain I escaped to a sort of numb reality that at the time only I could understand. When you're in such a terrible dark place you surround yourself with people you think understand you. A sort of toxic friendship with people you wanted to keep on the surface instead you let into your life and they found a way to twist everything you've done into a million pieces of vile shit. To be honest I knew better, I knew from the bottom of my heart everything I was doing was wrong. I didn't care. I drank too much, I abused prescription pills, I hurt myself in ways I could never forgive myself for. I was hurting for failed attempts of life and failed accomplishments and my skin and insides paid the price for everything I was feeling at the time. I didn't trust anyone. I couldn't talk to anyone. I confided in only my demons and drunken word vomit I would come up with at the time. If I made a joke about my failures it made people laugh, then I wouldn't feel as if was lost. I didn't have an excuse to feel the way I did. I had everything a person could ask for and yet I was so unhappy with everything. It's that moment you look into your life and realize "this isn't what I had visioned my life to be" and I lost it.

When you're at your weakest you begin to realize who your friends are. While I did have my heart broken by a completely vile and emotionally disturbed person that was only the tip of the iceberg. Everything I hid and harbored inside didn't come close to the feelings of being hurt. When I stopped drinking, and literally stopped talking I counted on one hand the people that came to see me. When I saw that number I didn't see it as a number of truth I saw it as a number of failure. You loved me when I was on fire and you ignore me when I am at my weakest. If I didn't matter to many people why should it matter that I was gone. Even with the handful of people at my side I felt alone. How did I get to this point of feeling so loved to feeling as if I had nothing. My emotions went into over drive and I spent countless hours on the bathroom floor crying and praying for the strength to just leave this life. Luckily I didn't while I won't go into full detail I can say that when you reach that point of no return a part of you inside does die. Maybe not in the physical aspect but who ever that was hiding inside of me and being completely vile they're gone. It took me years to realize that was my wake up call, and those handful of people that saved me don't really know the impact they have made in my life.

I will be honest its been a hard couple of years. It's taking me years to fully feel like a human being and outstanding member of society but I no longer feel the need to be in so much pain as I had been years prior. While I no longer harbor those vile thoughts, I will say that I haven't hurt myself in over 4 years, and I have been able to keep food down for over a year and a half. That may not seem like a long time but it's an accomplishment in my own personal struggles. Every day is a battle and while I may not be where I need to be at the moment I know someday and somewhere I will be. Accomplishments are not done in a day but the day that everything falls into place I will never forget where I came from. The moment you surround yourself in a positive atmosphere with equally positive people everything changes for you. You no longer feel the need to hide your feelings when you find the right people in your life and forever I am grateful to the wonderful people in my life.

Life isn't always easy. We are always going to have struggles but it's the strength that we find within ourselves daily that show us how much we can endure. Truth of the matter is we honestly don't know everyone struggles and behind the makeup and smiles are at times tears of pain. If you can help yourself in your struggles you have the power to make a change and impact into someones life. We are not perfect by any means and thinking that a person's true emotions are a sign of weakness is completely ignorant way of thinking. We are not alone in our struggles and honestly to find love within ourselves we find the will to love ourselves completely.

This week is more then just "Suicide Prevention" Week, it's a week to be more aware and more informed. If you haven't already check out To Write Love on Her Arms organization, PLEASE DO SO. They're absolutely wonderful and informative organization.

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