There are good days and there are bad days. It's not that I haven't been having good days just some days the little vile green monsters want to bring you into the darkness for a bit of a nostalgic free for all. When I start to feel that way I tend to withdrawal myself and find comfort in complete silence. Something I am used to and then the memories roll back in. Messes of mistakes and just distant past conversations. While it's good for the creative processes it's just something that takes me off guard at times. Some days I just wish I had no memories or that the good memories out weighed all the bad but dreams don't come true for me. At least not in this case.
In my heart I am perfectly capable of saying how I truly feel. Over situations and moving on from past situations, then memories present themselves in front of you and you can't help but have a reaction. The way the wind blows, the way a song strikes a chord, and you are right back where you were before. Your heart folding up and falling to the ground. Just another momentary lapse in judgement and now I start back to the beginning. It doesn't matter how many times I look deep into the meaning of things truth of the matter is I am better than all that past juvenile bullshit. I don't need to keep looking into things when clearly things didn't work out for a reason. There's a reason for all this silence and all of this bitterness eventually goes away once something beautiful happens. Until that happens I just find all these memories rather repetitive, sometimes I find myself out loud saying things I shouldn't say. My heart reassures me how right I am but my voice finds a way to say how much I am feeling without giving too much away.
It goes without saying that my memories just show everything I have been through and how much I still have left to go through. The more I find myself on the floor with nostalgia the more I realize how much I am able to live and breathe through such a traumatic ordeal. Everyone looks the same in appearance but not everyone harbors the same emotional garbage as the people that have hurt you. It doesn't matter how many things reminds me of the past, I can't bring that back. I wouldn't know what to do if the past repeated itself, it would just be another bullshit attempt of false hopes and bullshit fake happiness. Everything happens for a reason, I just wish that reason came sooner instead of in the future. I am just tired of waiting for answers when all I have left are questions.