Thursday, September 27, 2012


I've been called every bad name in the profain book. While much has been very deserving and other times used in humor. I can't help but realize of all the names I've been called only once sticks out.


In my defense I am a pretty decent human being. Though I am not in the running for saint status I can say for the most part I try to live a pretty decent drama free life. Then of course there are those things that are beyond my control. Those times where I swear a Tarantino soundtrack comes into play and I can't help but spew out every foul thing I can't think of. It has been years of never defending myself when I was younger that as I started growing up I found ways to find peoples weaknesses. By the time I reached middle school I was really good at cutting people down. Honestly I don't realize what I am saying until I see the reaction on people's faces. Of course people will just normally say things back at me or don't bother saying anything at all. It's a defense mechanism I can't get rid of. Always thinking people are the enemy when in reality they are trying to be my friend.

I've stated I haven't had the greatest people in my life. I've been lied to, put down, emotionally abused mean girl bullshit so it's hard for me to at times break out of my mean spirited ways. I keep forgetting that every person I come in contact with is different but sometimes a memory just comes into play and I'm back at the place I was before. That worthless feeling and my only way to get back up is to attack. Put downs come out so fast from my head that my mouth has a hard time catching up, which causes me to stutter. I get so upset that sometimes I don't say everything I am feeling that when all is said and done I wait for other times to say things. I can hurt people. I have made people cry. While I don't feel anything after I say things in that moment, its the after shocks that cause me to reevaluate what I have said. I can't turn around and apologize for what I said, I meant what I said. How do you turn around years of bad thinking and start fresh as a different person? Can that even be done?

It's different now. I don't have to defend myself as much as I used to. I don't have to keep hiding who I am or who I was before. While it is a blessing to be in different environments, I sometimes  feel tested. Even the good fall down sometimes but just that need to defend myself comes up randomly lately. It's like I understand people are not out to get me. People say things differently then how I would say it but I can't help but go back and think of everything negatively. I am just so used to being treated so horribly that I believe that everyone is a terrible person instead of good hearted people. I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone you meet is a bad person. Just this constant reminder that I don't have to be set in attack mode at all times.

 Everything changes once you realize you need to change. So while I am extremely creative in my sarcastic bitchy undertones I shouldn't use it to hurt people. Perhaps my words could be used for other services instead of arguments and put downs. Until then I will just have to pick my battles fairly.

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