Saturday, September 29, 2012

muggy air, clear skies.

I am ready for the seasons to change. For the leaves to turn colors, for the air to get cooler. Last night just seemed like the first signs of that. No matter how hot my body heat felt the slight chill of the night felt absolutely wonderful. Changes. Different things to look forward to.

Then I wake up this morning to a dry cough, allergies, and the most disgusting muggy air. All I can think of doing was curl my hair, put some Bio Oil on my face and call it a lazy Saturday. Tshirts and Jeans while watching the game just scream BEST DAY EVER. Still debating of what to do with my hair. I keep thinking of chopping it a little below shoulder length, one full length, maybe some bangs. Something different, personal. I also keep jotting down ideas of what I want to wear this fall and winter. I just want something different. I am going to be 30 soon so maybe it's just something that SCREAMS new me. Right now this muggy air is suffocating my insides.

I realize I can't function in the warmth. I can't function being sweaty and warm. Just makes for a terrible atmosphere. I also can't function with the sun light directly hitting my face. Afternoon sun is swell but that first signs of daylight I just want to close my eyes and call it a century. Perhaps I need to gravitate towards cooler climates. Move to less sunny states or countries. While this past summer was sure full of surprises I have to say that above everything, I am ready for what the next journey entails.

Ready for adventure, ready for triumph and most of all ready for everything to fall into place.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Current Obsessions. 9/27/2012

 
1. Bill Cunningham. You can't have fashion week without talking about the greatness that is Bill Cunningham. Not only is he the last genuinely good person in the fashion industry but he is also the most influential. His photographs are absolutely amazing just like his subjects and to say that I would be star struck if I saw him on the street is absolute truth. 
 
 
 
2. E.L.F Lip Balm. Since I am on a major budget. Okay LIES. Even if I wasn't on a major budget I would still buy a crap load of E.L.F products. Finally tried out the E.L.F. tinted lip balm and not only do my lips feel better but the little hint of color was awesome. Wasn't sticky and didn't dry out my lips. It was just perfect. You can't beat that for 2 dollars can you?

4. Zara. The worst thing about being unemployed is not having a disposable income to buy all the clothes and things I want and need. Sort of obsessed with the Zara lookbook especially the look on the right. I want everything in that picture. Beanie, coat, dress & boots. 





4. Control. I am on a Sam Riley kick. He is beautiful and talented. DO NOT JUDGE ME.


Bitch.

I've been called every bad name in the profain book. While much has been very deserving and other times used in humor. I can't help but realize of all the names I've been called only once sticks out.

BITCH.

In my defense I am a pretty decent human being. Though I am not in the running for saint status I can say for the most part I try to live a pretty decent drama free life. Then of course there are those things that are beyond my control. Those times where I swear a Tarantino soundtrack comes into play and I can't help but spew out every foul thing I can't think of. It has been years of never defending myself when I was younger that as I started growing up I found ways to find peoples weaknesses. By the time I reached middle school I was really good at cutting people down. Honestly I don't realize what I am saying until I see the reaction on people's faces. Of course people will just normally say things back at me or don't bother saying anything at all. It's a defense mechanism I can't get rid of. Always thinking people are the enemy when in reality they are trying to be my friend.

I've stated I haven't had the greatest people in my life. I've been lied to, put down, emotionally abused mean girl bullshit so it's hard for me to at times break out of my mean spirited ways. I keep forgetting that every person I come in contact with is different but sometimes a memory just comes into play and I'm back at the place I was before. That worthless feeling and my only way to get back up is to attack. Put downs come out so fast from my head that my mouth has a hard time catching up, which causes me to stutter. I get so upset that sometimes I don't say everything I am feeling that when all is said and done I wait for other times to say things. I can hurt people. I have made people cry. While I don't feel anything after I say things in that moment, its the after shocks that cause me to reevaluate what I have said. I can't turn around and apologize for what I said, I meant what I said. How do you turn around years of bad thinking and start fresh as a different person? Can that even be done?

It's different now. I don't have to defend myself as much as I used to. I don't have to keep hiding who I am or who I was before. While it is a blessing to be in different environments, I sometimes  feel tested. Even the good fall down sometimes but just that need to defend myself comes up randomly lately. It's like I understand people are not out to get me. People say things differently then how I would say it but I can't help but go back and think of everything negatively. I am just so used to being treated so horribly that I believe that everyone is a terrible person instead of good hearted people. I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone you meet is a bad person. Just this constant reminder that I don't have to be set in attack mode at all times.

 Everything changes once you realize you need to change. So while I am extremely creative in my sarcastic bitchy undertones I shouldn't use it to hurt people. Perhaps my words could be used for other services instead of arguments and put downs. Until then I will just have to pick my battles fairly.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

babied.

Not really sure how to even begin. There's just this generation that is in constant fear to do anything on their own that they feel the need to have everyone do things for them. Part laziness, part needing someone to take control of situations but when do people get to the point that they realize what they are doing isn't helping themselves? It's a never ending generation of the oldest little girls and boys that have a fear of growing up and live in a state of utter juvenileness. Who is to blame honestly society? Parents?

I can say for the most part while I was growing up I never went a day without things I needed. I had a roof over my head, I had food in my belly, things that I wanted I could ask for and it was a simple "yes" or a dreadful "no". You never heard me screaming in the toy aisle because I didn't get what I wanted. I for the most part know what it's like to struggle. I know what it's like to see people I care about struggle. To see people have their lives handed to them and be ungrateful is one thing. I tend to see that a lot but to have people be ungrateful while other people are doing the work for you it's absolutely ridiculous. I admit I've babied a lot of my former friends. Whether it be buying a lunch here or there, giving a ride some where. I get it we all need favors but when it starts to get ridiculous when they're perfectly capable and able to do things on their own but refuse to because they handicap themselves with "A.D.D" or "anxiety" I just don't buy it. If you have a valid drivers license, if you make money to pay for a lot of bullshit things you don't need then you don't need anyone helping you.

When I was old enough and mature enough to take care of my own finances I did. Of course that hasn't come with hardship. I knew the importance of never borrowing money from friends. I knew the importance of being independent. I also knew that if you let someone pay for something you have to pay back in return. Maybe I was raised differently than everyone else. Sometimes I go over and beyond what I am suppose to do in situations. I find myself helping people out because that's what I would want in return, but when I realize that my kindness is taken advantage of I start questioning friendships. If you go around behind my back being ungrateful and stating things that aren't true when you, yourself owe me for a lot of times I've helped you out then we don't need to be friends. When I can't count on one hand how many times people have helped me out but can count my hands and feet the times I have helped others that just becomes the last straw. You're not an adult by the things you own. You're not an adult if you bitch and complain about your situations. If you can't even look at yourself and the bullshit you've done then you're still in a childlike mindset. Go ahead and blame others, blame me for everything. Truth of the matter is this: It was my car that I drove everyone everywhere, it was my money that I spent countless times, it was my emotions and goodwill that people took advantage of because they are too immature to take care of themselves. Sure people have a lot of pretty things, people go out and have a good time or they stay at home read the countless blogs on the Internet and state how they're so much better than people. NEWSFLASH You're not better than anyone.

There's also a misconception that people come from money. I for one don't come from money. I've seen my parents scrap by on pennies a day to keep this family together. So to say I know struggle I mean it, I lived it. If I want to spend my money on an expensive bag, or an equally expensive scarf I will. Not because I want to show off but because I made my money and deserve to have the beautiful things I admire. I talk about beautiful things, and wonderful places. I enjoy great things but just because I love great things don't expect me to pay for your finances. If I invite you out it's one thing but to all the time think I am going to pay for you is ridiculous. Unless you're a charity cause don't expect me to always be giving you hand outs. The only person I should be taking care of is ME, not you. What I am trying to get it is it's a just a huge following of people that are babied. They expect you to do everything and don't even have a genuine thank you for anything. People that blame you for not showing compassion when they themselves don't even know the first thing about compassion. I've been guilty of falling into traps of these people and finally just happy I no longer have to feel bad about losing those friendships. My friendship is valued in love not dollar signs. Don't ever forget that.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Current Obsessions. 9/24/2012

1. Candy Corn. Tis the season for sweets and cavities. Of course I am obsessed with fall weather but more importantly the fall weather produces the greatest candy in the world. CANDY CORN! It's literally just all sugar and you know what I am okay with that.
 
 
2. Fiona Apple. I've sort of been on a Fiona Apple listening spree, mainly "when the pawn" which gravitates toward "tidal wave" and of course all the newer stuff but lately "fast as you can". Something that just eats away at your soul when she sings.

 
3. Old photographs. I recently found a series of photographs taken of me from a spontaneous trip to LA to see Radiohead. I can see while the style as changed drastically, the love for big sunnies & red hair has not. 

 
4. Pumpkin Scones. Thank you Starbucks for bringing back these awesome deliciousness that is Pumpkin scones. I swear around fall CALORIES DO NOT EXIST!!!


spoken words.

There are good days and there are bad days. It's not that I haven't been having good days just some days the little vile green monsters want to bring you into the darkness for a bit of a nostalgic free for all. When I start to feel that way I tend to withdrawal myself and find comfort in complete silence. Something I am used to and then the memories roll back in. Messes of mistakes and just distant past conversations. While it's good for the creative processes it's just something that takes me off guard at times. Some days I just wish I had no memories or that the good memories out weighed all the bad but dreams don't come true for me. At least not in this case.

In my heart I am perfectly capable of saying how I truly feel. Over situations and moving on from past situations, then memories present themselves in front of you and you can't help but have a reaction. The way the wind blows, the way a song strikes a chord, and you are right back where you were before. Your heart folding up and falling to the ground. Just another momentary lapse in judgement and now I start back to the beginning. It doesn't matter how many times I look deep into the meaning of things truth of the matter is I am better than all that past juvenile bullshit. I don't need to keep looking into things when clearly things didn't work out for a reason. There's a reason for all this silence and all of this bitterness eventually goes away once something beautiful happens. Until that happens I just find all these memories rather repetitive,  sometimes I find myself out loud saying things I shouldn't say. My heart reassures me how right I am but my voice finds a way to say how much I am feeling without giving too much away.

It goes without saying that my memories just show everything I have been through and how much I still have left to go through. The more I find myself on the floor with nostalgia the more I realize how much I am able to live and breathe through such a traumatic ordeal. Everyone looks the same in appearance but not everyone harbors the same emotional garbage as the people that have hurt you. It doesn't matter how many things reminds me of the past, I can't bring that back. I wouldn't know what to do if the past repeated itself, it would just be another bullshit attempt of false hopes and bullshit fake happiness. Everything happens for a reason, I just wish that reason came sooner instead of in the future. I am just tired of waiting for answers when all I have left are questions.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

like bernie.

In honor of going to the game tomorrow, for which I am totally stoked on here's this fun little gem.

If you don't get it, it's cool. It's an Oakland thing baby.

Current Needs. 9/13/2012

These are all the items that I currently need at the moment.

1. Macbook Pro.
My laptop has proven to be super unreliable for the past couple of years. I absolutely hate it. So I need a new one. This is on my top list of priorities (yes even before paying off mountains of debt, hey YOLO right?)

 
2. Derek Lam dress from 2007. I saw Michelle Williams wear this dress years ago and since then became absolutely obsessed with it, to the point I almost bought one on ebay for $2,100. While I quickly snapped back into reality it is still a pretty dress. AND IT HAS POCKETS!!!

 
3. Alber Elbaz. Artistic Director of Lanvin. I absolutely adore him and his creations. He always looks as if he's having a great fabulous time. I am not lying when I say I would like to be friends with Alber.

 
4. Pedicure. If you guys only saw how horrible my feet look right now. I am in desperate need of a pedicure. I am in a need to be pampered.

 

 5. Macaroons & Champagne. I've sort of been wanting a day to be dressed up in a frilly dress and drink Champagne and eat macaroons and watch Marie Antoinette. Of course one accomplishes these things once they are out of the home that they currently share with their parents. None the less I want this to happen.
 
6. "Is Everyone Hanging out without Me? by Mindy Kaling. I've actually been wanting this book since it came out and haven't gotten around to getting it. Lazy I know. I have a huge list of books I need to finish and need to buy. None the less I will get around to buying it soon.

What is love?

To be honest this post has been written and rewritten about a million times over. It's been deleted, saved, and then erased. Maybe that's what happens when you think about what is truly troubling you. Not that there is anything troubling me but sometimes glimpses in the past make you very aware of who you were then as opposed to the person you are today. So as I stated in the title "what is love?" I found myself reading stories for the past week about personal struggles and strengths and the will to continue on. It's not just a love for another person it's the love you have within yourself to be stronger. With that stated here goes nothing.

A couple of years ago I had my heart broken. It was more than just emotional and physical verbiage it was everything. I can't just pinpoint that moment when everything just feel apart but this huge domino effect lead to so many fucked up things. Life broke my heart and to cope with the pain I escaped to a sort of numb reality that at the time only I could understand. When you're in such a terrible dark place you surround yourself with people you think understand you. A sort of toxic friendship with people you wanted to keep on the surface instead you let into your life and they found a way to twist everything you've done into a million pieces of vile shit. To be honest I knew better, I knew from the bottom of my heart everything I was doing was wrong. I didn't care. I drank too much, I abused prescription pills, I hurt myself in ways I could never forgive myself for. I was hurting for failed attempts of life and failed accomplishments and my skin and insides paid the price for everything I was feeling at the time. I didn't trust anyone. I couldn't talk to anyone. I confided in only my demons and drunken word vomit I would come up with at the time. If I made a joke about my failures it made people laugh, then I wouldn't feel as if was lost. I didn't have an excuse to feel the way I did. I had everything a person could ask for and yet I was so unhappy with everything. It's that moment you look into your life and realize "this isn't what I had visioned my life to be" and I lost it.

When you're at your weakest you begin to realize who your friends are. While I did have my heart broken by a completely vile and emotionally disturbed person that was only the tip of the iceberg. Everything I hid and harbored inside didn't come close to the feelings of being hurt. When I stopped drinking, and literally stopped talking I counted on one hand the people that came to see me. When I saw that number I didn't see it as a number of truth I saw it as a number of failure. You loved me when I was on fire and you ignore me when I am at my weakest. If I didn't matter to many people why should it matter that I was gone. Even with the handful of people at my side I felt alone. How did I get to this point of feeling so loved to feeling as if I had nothing. My emotions went into over drive and I spent countless hours on the bathroom floor crying and praying for the strength to just leave this life. Luckily I didn't while I won't go into full detail I can say that when you reach that point of no return a part of you inside does die. Maybe not in the physical aspect but who ever that was hiding inside of me and being completely vile they're gone. It took me years to realize that was my wake up call, and those handful of people that saved me don't really know the impact they have made in my life.

I will be honest its been a hard couple of years. It's taking me years to fully feel like a human being and outstanding member of society but I no longer feel the need to be in so much pain as I had been years prior. While I no longer harbor those vile thoughts, I will say that I haven't hurt myself in over 4 years, and I have been able to keep food down for over a year and a half. That may not seem like a long time but it's an accomplishment in my own personal struggles. Every day is a battle and while I may not be where I need to be at the moment I know someday and somewhere I will be. Accomplishments are not done in a day but the day that everything falls into place I will never forget where I came from. The moment you surround yourself in a positive atmosphere with equally positive people everything changes for you. You no longer feel the need to hide your feelings when you find the right people in your life and forever I am grateful to the wonderful people in my life.

Life isn't always easy. We are always going to have struggles but it's the strength that we find within ourselves daily that show us how much we can endure. Truth of the matter is we honestly don't know everyone struggles and behind the makeup and smiles are at times tears of pain. If you can help yourself in your struggles you have the power to make a change and impact into someones life. We are not perfect by any means and thinking that a person's true emotions are a sign of weakness is completely ignorant way of thinking. We are not alone in our struggles and honestly to find love within ourselves we find the will to love ourselves completely.


This week is more then just "Suicide Prevention" Week, it's a week to be more aware and more informed. If you haven't already check out To Write Love on Her Arms organization, PLEASE DO SO. They're absolutely wonderful and informative organization.
www.TWLOHA.com

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

current obsessions 9/12/12

In honor of my favorite month, September Fashion month I have acquired a collection of my favorite fashion obsessions for the week.


1. Natalia Vodianova. Alexander McQueen "Oyster" dress.
I have actually been obsessed with this dress for years. I cannot even tell you what its like to see this dress in person but it's absolutely breath taking. Whether you love fashion or not this dress is just absolutely striking and the workmanship behind its structure absolutely mind blowing. There is no other dresses like this dress and it will forever be one of my top favorite dresses.

 
2. Coco Rocha.
There are many words to describe Coco physically but to describe her as a person I would say she's very humbling. I find her absolutely informative, witty, and down right fantastic. How she commands the runway is no question but how she commands a stage and views it's absolutely amazing. If you don't already follow her on twitter or instagram I recommend you do she's absolutely lovely.


 
3. Oscar De La Renta.
There is no question without a doubt who my favorite designer is. Since the first time I laid eyes on of his dresses 1998 I have never been more mesmerized by beauty then I have by all of his creations season after season. He only gets better and more magnificent with every season and every year I want to absolutely go in debt just to wear one of this beautiful creations. All I know is that no matter who I marry, I will be wearing head to toe Oscar De La Renta.
 

 
4. The September Issue.
For any fashion enthusiast if you haven't watched "the september issue" I recommend you do so right away. Not only does it show you behind the scenes happenings of one of the nations most notorious fashion magazines but if gives you more of the insight of the people behind the fashion bible. I assure you, you will not be disappointed.


She don't believe in shooting stars...

I've been in a weird sort of mood. Maybe it's the craving for more adventure or just the need to be out of my element every once in a while. I realized how much I truly miss being in a larger scale city. Not to say I don't still have my small town haunts but being lost in something thats completely unfamiliar to me is something absolutely divine. Completely soaking in the last couple of weeks. Then coming back home and trying to find my niche into things. I do believe you need two vacations. One vacation to get out of your comfort zone and the second to come back to reality.

Man why can't life always be this easy.

I've been rather lucky. I can't complain about how life has been lately. I've done more in 3 months then I have in two years. Partly I contribute that to the wonderful friends I have and second because of the fact that I am unemployed. No matter. Who said you can't have fun in crazy circumstances.

Well I'll be back to post more, just gotta wrap my head around some things and get the ball rolling on the other. I should be back to tip top order by next week. Until then here's to more adventures and lots to talk about.