Sunday, August 19, 2012

Failure to launch.

I've realized how much of my own worst enemy I can be. I've started really studying the way I interact with people and realize that a lot of my frustration comes from a lot of harbored emotional garbage I keep inside. Of course I've come a long way from the years of self hating but it's those scars that seem to stay visible when people come into play. This fear of letting people down has always been my greatest unhappiness. Then again I have to realize how much of my own happiness I have  set aside to make others happy. Instead of starting something new I fall back into familiar standings and continue handicapping my ways of thinking and saying things that I know I shouldn't say.

The fear of human interaction just catapults into a mini series of emotions. Some days I just absolutely love people but on average I find myself really loathing the human race. It could be because I haven't always been treated so nicely, or the fact that my home was completely violated by strangers or the fact that I just wish I knew people's intentions. Multiple times have I stated how hard it is for me to trust people. It wasn't until recently was I truly able to baby steps my way into thinking that I could trust another human being again. It's just little things I can't deal with; the need to always be right, the need to always be so bluntly and brutally honest but most of the time I am just afraid. Afraid of the same thing happening to me repetitively and just being hurt again. I've gotten so used to my loneliness that any elements to distract that leave me completely motionless and suspicious of peoples intentions. Paranoia sits in and I just think it's only a matter of time until these people hurt me like the others. I shouldn't think that way. It's just this old way of fully getting over things.

The fear of rejection. It happens to everyone on more than one occasion. I have good days and on average rather splendid days but it's those off days that absolutely frighten me. Rejection happens I am aware. I know I shouldn't have fear but it's that fear of not just rejection but the feeling of being a complete failure that follows suit. It's a huge step to get up and do something great but to convince a whole multitude of people that you're great is hard. Its also why I just start so many projects and lose interest so quickly its not that I don't feel as if what I am doing is good enough it's just wanting people to feel so strongly as I do about it. It could also be that need to be right again but that's everyone. Lets just clarify that I am always right though, okay?

How does rejection and human interaction come into play in my life. It just seems every day I am just trying. Being patient, finding peace then something sets me off and I just can nit pick and point out every flaw in everything I see. Maybe it's my culture that comes into play that never ending need to find perfection or it's my whole species what ever it is it's just not right. I can't be jealous of people that try. I can't nit pick everything because it doesn't fit into what I am thinking. I know that. It's hard when everyone has tried to categorize you into a million different molds that you've never fit into and now that you've freed yourself from those type of people you find yourself doing the same to others. I guess you're never truly free until you can find goodness within yourself. Until then you can truly let go of these fears and embrace happiness.

Maybe I'll truly never know but as the days of the year come to an end I just wonder where I'll be next year. Hopefully I get out of this bullshit way of thinking and into a new era of life. I know I'll get there, I know I'll be free but it's just that moment from here to there that just frightens me. The unknown, the uncertainty. I just want to know now.

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