Saturday, August 18, 2012

Ex-factor.

Where were you when I needed you. 
7/3/2012

I tend to think about things after I've witnessed on countless occasions a song, a line, a memory or a feeling that brings it back to a familiar past I have tried to suppress for a while. Truth is I don't know whats real anymore. I used to believe that people had a way of showing you who they are through pain they were dealing with but after the pain has faded and the misery has left what are we left with? I feel cheated. I feel like I used to know someone that only exists in fragments of despair. What was it that you used to say? I was the only person that ever truly understood you. Who knows how much of that was fabricated to save your own sanity I just knew I grew more insane just trying to think of new ways to try to make the memories of you stay.

Memories are just that. Just some distant reminders of the past. Good or Bad they stick within our souls scaring the remains of our broken hearts. Truth is I find myself falling for memories that don't exist of people that weren't true. Times that were closer to the end that I ever imagined. Some days I wish I could just return all of those words, all the times I was vulnerable because it was all for the wrong person that didn't deserve my cherished memories. It hurts more because I have a tendency to believe people when they say they will never hurt you. Some how I just have that silly notion that words people say are their word. Reality hits and my fantasyland way of thinking crumbles to the ground with all the other beautiful lies I've been told.

I know people change or are capable of change but you are not. Maybe it's because your words I tend to take with a grain of salt. All those times you put me down, all those times you called out my flaws, all those times you made me believe I was the crazy one. I just think back of all the times I was there and I listened to every word and now I just realized it was all bullshit. I know you've apologized. I know you gave me some bullshit excuse of your genetic makeup but the truth of the matter is I don't believe you and I never will. You give out apologies like you give out a handshake just fake and phony like a politician. You've given out too many reasons and examples of who you really are that I have lost count on your attempts to be a "good" person.

This isn't bitterness talking. This isn't the hurt or the pain I've been through. This is just me being honest. While I don't hate you, I hate the situation you put me through. This whole lying facade you fed me. That's worse than all the other superficial bullshit. Truth is you made me believe so many bullshit lies that now my perception of love has change. My trust has been broken on so many levels. This is just one more person I have to keep things on a surface with. One more person I have to pretend that it doesn't hurt what you've done. Things happen, people change. You just stayed the same vile person and I praised you for it. While it is my fault for letting people treat me the way they did but I didn't deserve any of it. Did I deserve people to make me feel so insecure, so hurtful? Of course not but I didn't know that at the time.

It always takes a second look to realize all you've been through. Realize what you want in your life and what you can do without. I praise the strength I feel inside I just sometimes wish this strength didn't come because of such a disastrous mess of a person I used to be. I guess that's how all stories end. From tragedy to triumph and the will to move on.

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