Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Bitter is the new black.

Obviously I tend to harbor a lot of resentment over a lot of emotional bullshit. I am who I am. I can't change that. I can grow from my bullshit emotions but as much as I over come my emotions I can't forget everything that's happen. I used to believe that the word Loyalty meant something to people. The only thing that words means is how much choosing a side is going to benefit you in the future. Hey I understand everyone is on their own hustle. Everyone has to make a living. You have to do you in every aspect and hopefully it all works out. When it doesn't work out, what exactly are you going to do?

I speak from truth and I speak from a place way in the bottom of my heart. You know that dark hidden place that the little gremlins stay. Some call it hate I call it a better understanding of the human race. Not every one has the same mentality as myself or the friends I surround myself with. Just sometimes I wish there was a handbook you could give people to stop being completely stupid. How much can you emphasis to people that what they are doing is wrong? How much air do you have to waste for people to fully understand where you are coming from? It's to the point that I am done being nice. I am done just trying to understand people. Truth is I don't like many people. I don't. It goes far beyond things that have happened to my life personally. It's hard for me to see good people continue getting dicked around by terribly vile people. It's hard for me to continue seeing people not fully understanding where you're coming from. People will never put themselves in your shoes until the same has happened to them. It's only then that they come around expecting forgiveness and everything to go back to the way it was before. I can't let the past dictate my future but I can allow it to push me through the obstacles I am facing at the moment. While I don't see forgiveness in the cards for some people I do see a lot of "well now you see where I am coming from".

How long does it take for Karma to come through? I know karma doesn't come back in the way that it should but sometimes I wish people to feel completely hurt. Maybe its the pain in their misery that will make me feel better. I just want to see people suffer for the wrong they have caused. Its wrong to say that but its that moment where I can say "I told you so" that will make me feel better. I don't care where you're coming from, I could give a shit about your struggles. I just want people to know how bad it hurts inside sometimes. Eventually it will happen.

If it doesn't happen eventually the universe tends to unfold itself as it should. Just don't expect me to be forgiving and understanding when your whole world falls apart. Please believe I will laughing on the end of your unhappiness.

Current Obsessions 8/22/2012

1. I was in San Francisco in one of my many adventures and came across this chocolate bar. I am not a huge Dark Chocolate fan but literally one bite of this chocolate is not only addicting it's what I would imagine tears would taste like in chocolate form. Needless to say I want this every day of my life because I tend to eat my feelings. 

2. Kate Moss for Rimmel Lipsticks. Okay not only is she one of my top 10 favorite model (she's number 2) but her lipstick collection for Rimmel is absolutely amazing. The colors are completely flawless and stay put but also stay completely moisturizing. I totally recommend the nude shades absolutely stunning color. 

3. Billy Beane. General Manager and Part Owner of the Oakland Athletics. Living in Northern California you are either one of two things. A San Francisco Giants fan or a Oakland Athletics fan, I have been lucky enough to be raised an Oakland Athletics fan (with a minor in SF Giants). Much can be said and has been said about Billy but what we can all agree on is that he has a vision and true heart and love for the game. While we as fans may not understand his logic in what I like to call the billy beane social experiment he completely looks out for the best interest in the team and every season pushes forward to make a bigger and better team. 

4. Movie Scores / Soundtracks. Lately I've been so disgusted with the current state of music that I've been looking to the scores and melodies of films for inspirations. Lately the scores that have stuck out are "The Social Network" and "Moneyball". 

Reality vs. Fantasy.

Those countless years of the film industry fabricating all these lies giving me false expectations of how I wish my reality truly was. From the girl getting the guy, to the beautifully orchestrated happy reconciliations, all these false hopes and severely high expectations for mere mortals to relate to. Is it all just some beautiful lie that we buy into to hide from the harsh reality of every day life. We strive for this cinematic perfection with just the right lighting instead of seeing the supreme bigger picture at hand. We expect so much out of people that when people show us their sincere honesty we can't take it. Instead we formulate this excuse to why it never works out and instead of giving into the reality we fight to keep the fantasy alive. All too well we keep believing that good triumphs over evil and the sun shines at the end of every dark tunnel.

I can't help but want to believe there is some reality in the fantasy. That the whole film industry isn't completely bullshit. They had to start from somewhere right? Truth of the matter is you root for the underdog in stories, you want that happy ending at the end of complete tragedy and you want things to be better. We all want that. The more I formulate day dreams in my mind even in my twisted mind set I want people to change. I want people to truly do what they tell me they're going to do. I want actions instead of bullshit lines I've been fed all my life. The only truer existence you can have is to be completely and brutally honest with the person you care the most about it. I guess that's what I want to believe, it's what I've been taught with countless scenes I've dissected. Even in day dreaming you wake back into reality. People don't change unless they want to change. People will always choose the easy way out instead of struggle. It's all just one big fucked up reality.

I stopped seeing the good in people when the fantasy stopped. The severe realization that reality will always out way the fantasy. The only underdogs are the ones that never stop dreaming even after reality tells them no. I guess this makes me the fool and the dreamer. I just won't stop believing that somehow some where there is good in the one person I always believed was a good person. I just hope that when that time comes to see it, it won't be too late.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Failure to launch.

I've realized how much of my own worst enemy I can be. I've started really studying the way I interact with people and realize that a lot of my frustration comes from a lot of harbored emotional garbage I keep inside. Of course I've come a long way from the years of self hating but it's those scars that seem to stay visible when people come into play. This fear of letting people down has always been my greatest unhappiness. Then again I have to realize how much of my own happiness I have  set aside to make others happy. Instead of starting something new I fall back into familiar standings and continue handicapping my ways of thinking and saying things that I know I shouldn't say.

The fear of human interaction just catapults into a mini series of emotions. Some days I just absolutely love people but on average I find myself really loathing the human race. It could be because I haven't always been treated so nicely, or the fact that my home was completely violated by strangers or the fact that I just wish I knew people's intentions. Multiple times have I stated how hard it is for me to trust people. It wasn't until recently was I truly able to baby steps my way into thinking that I could trust another human being again. It's just little things I can't deal with; the need to always be right, the need to always be so bluntly and brutally honest but most of the time I am just afraid. Afraid of the same thing happening to me repetitively and just being hurt again. I've gotten so used to my loneliness that any elements to distract that leave me completely motionless and suspicious of peoples intentions. Paranoia sits in and I just think it's only a matter of time until these people hurt me like the others. I shouldn't think that way. It's just this old way of fully getting over things.

The fear of rejection. It happens to everyone on more than one occasion. I have good days and on average rather splendid days but it's those off days that absolutely frighten me. Rejection happens I am aware. I know I shouldn't have fear but it's that fear of not just rejection but the feeling of being a complete failure that follows suit. It's a huge step to get up and do something great but to convince a whole multitude of people that you're great is hard. Its also why I just start so many projects and lose interest so quickly its not that I don't feel as if what I am doing is good enough it's just wanting people to feel so strongly as I do about it. It could also be that need to be right again but that's everyone. Lets just clarify that I am always right though, okay?

How does rejection and human interaction come into play in my life. It just seems every day I am just trying. Being patient, finding peace then something sets me off and I just can nit pick and point out every flaw in everything I see. Maybe it's my culture that comes into play that never ending need to find perfection or it's my whole species what ever it is it's just not right. I can't be jealous of people that try. I can't nit pick everything because it doesn't fit into what I am thinking. I know that. It's hard when everyone has tried to categorize you into a million different molds that you've never fit into and now that you've freed yourself from those type of people you find yourself doing the same to others. I guess you're never truly free until you can find goodness within yourself. Until then you can truly let go of these fears and embrace happiness.

Maybe I'll truly never know but as the days of the year come to an end I just wonder where I'll be next year. Hopefully I get out of this bullshit way of thinking and into a new era of life. I know I'll get there, I know I'll be free but it's just that moment from here to there that just frightens me. The unknown, the uncertainty. I just want to know now.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Celeste and Jesse Forever.

While there have been countless films about relationships and moving on, never has there been a more true account of moving on than Celeste and Jesse. It's a refreshingly original film about subjects most of us as film goers can agree on. Moving on is not just some smooth transaction we can get to easily. With the wonderful stylings of Celeste we see a her go from strong to jaded to naive to bitter to moving on. We have all been Celeste on numerous occasions. While it harbors the same characteristics of some of its predecessors (500 days of Summer, Like Crazy) this has a very amazingly joyous, humorous, and breath taking aspect of a completely real film. This has to be the one film I can completely relate to on so many levels and  am still even at this moment dissecting it and fitting it into moments in my life. Brilliantly written, amazingly well acted just an all around great film. RUN do not walk to see this film.


Where were you when I needed you. 

I tend to think about things after I've witnessed on countless occasions a song, a line, a memory or a feeling that brings it back to a familiar past I have tried to suppress for a while. Truth is I don't know whats real anymore. I used to believe that people had a way of showing you who they are through pain they were dealing with but after the pain has faded and the misery has left what are we left with? I feel cheated. I feel like I used to know someone that only exists in fragments of despair. What was it that you used to say? I was the only person that ever truly understood you. Who knows how much of that was fabricated to save your own sanity I just knew I grew more insane just trying to think of new ways to try to make the memories of you stay.

Memories are just that. Just some distant reminders of the past. Good or Bad they stick within our souls scaring the remains of our broken hearts. Truth is I find myself falling for memories that don't exist of people that weren't true. Times that were closer to the end that I ever imagined. Some days I wish I could just return all of those words, all the times I was vulnerable because it was all for the wrong person that didn't deserve my cherished memories. It hurts more because I have a tendency to believe people when they say they will never hurt you. Some how I just have that silly notion that words people say are their word. Reality hits and my fantasyland way of thinking crumbles to the ground with all the other beautiful lies I've been told.

I know people change or are capable of change but you are not. Maybe it's because your words I tend to take with a grain of salt. All those times you put me down, all those times you called out my flaws, all those times you made me believe I was the crazy one. I just think back of all the times I was there and I listened to every word and now I just realized it was all bullshit. I know you've apologized. I know you gave me some bullshit excuse of your genetic makeup but the truth of the matter is I don't believe you and I never will. You give out apologies like you give out a handshake just fake and phony like a politician. You've given out too many reasons and examples of who you really are that I have lost count on your attempts to be a "good" person.

This isn't bitterness talking. This isn't the hurt or the pain I've been through. This is just me being honest. While I don't hate you, I hate the situation you put me through. This whole lying facade you fed me. That's worse than all the other superficial bullshit. Truth is you made me believe so many bullshit lies that now my perception of love has change. My trust has been broken on so many levels. This is just one more person I have to keep things on a surface with. One more person I have to pretend that it doesn't hurt what you've done. Things happen, people change. You just stayed the same vile person and I praised you for it. While it is my fault for letting people treat me the way they did but I didn't deserve any of it. Did I deserve people to make me feel so insecure, so hurtful? Of course not but I didn't know that at the time.

It always takes a second look to realize all you've been through. Realize what you want in your life and what you can do without. I praise the strength I feel inside I just sometimes wish this strength didn't come because of such a disastrous mess of a person I used to be. I guess that's how all stories end. From tragedy to triumph and the will to move on.

Grow with love.

There have been just about every variation about moving on I can think of. From letting by gones be by gones, to moving forward and recently growing with love. While I find all of those absolutely touching, they are just about the biggest piece of shit excuse I have ever heard. Mainly because I am American, I am stubborn, and because of my dual citizenship that makes me a severely bitter hateful person at times. Grow with love? What kind of hippie saying is that?

While I do believe there is a time for everything some times just come up better than others. How can we mend a broken relationship with a person when everything just gets swept under a rug? I speak candidly about this because I feel as if I am in a weird place. That place between getting over what troubles me and just lashing out every obscenity I can think of to heal my heart. While I don't think it's fair that most people get a "get out of jail" card sometimes I just want for the sake of sanity to have things go back to the way they used to be. I have lost out on so much time that I will never get back with my stubbornness and now I am afraid that too late is just too late.

There's a laundry list of issues I have at hand. This person choose sides. This person choose friends over family on numerous occasions. This person has always had everything handed to him. Here I sit thinking I was your number one supporter, I rooted for you when no one else would, I helped you out on more than one occasion and all this silence is the thank you I got? They didn't even try to help mend this relationship. Time again it's I that has to fix everything. While we have similarities in our struggles I am the one that's strong enough to not ask for anything and you sit with your hands asking for countless hand outs. I just don't think it's fair sometimes. Maybe it's a culture thing, maybe it's being raised completely different. Its just hard to not feel the way I do about a lot of things.

Eventually through time we find strength through our struggles. I know time does eventually heal all wounds and while I will not always get the apology or the recognition I deserve I will find some aspect of peace in all of this.

Well if none of that hippie bullshit works I can always just go to Valencia street and find a nice Santeria store to help me with all my issues.

Either way. I win.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

what drives you.

Every day your dreams have a way of shaping who you are from beginning to end. From the way you find inspiration to the way you find the drive to get to where you need to be. It's sort of crazy to think how in one split second anything can change your way of thinking. The young person that once thought they would live forever to the grown adult that believes life is happening too fast. There was never that fear of death, just that fear that life ends shortly before it had a chance to begin.

Being an observer in a world full of over achievers is crazy. The more I sit back and watch people the more I study their mannerisms and wait for that moment to inch my way through. I may seem to look as if I am not doing much but the reality is I am doing far too much for my well being. Its that moment where you dreams start scaring into your reality and you find a fear to sleep. All those thoughts that formulate in your mind and you can't help but wonder how and when it's going to happen. There was never a doubt in my mind it would happen it was just a matter of finding the strength of when. Fear has always clouded my doubts but now I just realized that the more I doubt the more I handicap my dreams.

The drive to be better catapults my dreams. Move forward my vision and jump starts my reality. The need to find my purpose instead of standing on the sidelines watching everything and everyone go by. The need to prove to the people that I was always right in a world of judgemental views and doubters. I just want that moment of feeling that everything I have been fighting for was for a purpose not just some get out of jail card. I have so much riding on simple ideas and the reality of it is I could fail miserably and I know I will be just fine.

All I want out of life is to find what makes me happy and continue doing it for the rest of my life. Is that so hard to ask?

Monday, August 6, 2012

Sam Riley.

Sam Riley. Sam Riley is one of those actors that comes along in a great while and falls completely under the radar. Sure he was superb in "Control". Absolutely great in "Brighton Rock". Sure he hasn't reached that mega fan as so many more well known actors but who's to say that he won't soon enough. He has a sort of cryptic emotion of absolutely transforming himself into a character and having this character dig deep into your soul. I find him absolutely fascinating and stunning to watch. He is defiantly a person to watch for and with the highly anticipated "On the Road" coming out soon he's sure to gain attention for his sincere magnetism on screen.

Let's play ball.

Summer comes with all great things. Sun, heat, and the great game of baseball. Imagine my surprise that my newly reacquainted love for the game came rather suddenly and I have found myself quite attached to not only the game but for my fellow team the Oakland Athletics. Truth is I have been an Oakland A's fan since I was very little just haven't been as proactive of a fan until the recent years and more of an active fan this season. Hey there is no crime in when you start out as a fan right? Either way let's just say that if you want to know how I spent my summer it's in these photographs.

I can dish it out, AND I can take it.

Kanye West said it best in "Gifted"...I'm known for running my mouth I will not be accountable for what comes out. It's true. I am known for exercising every muscle in my mouth (that's what she said) more or so when I have been wronged in anyway but lately it's just making jokes that on average no one understands. I guess you can say I am fairly different in my humor than most people. I don't normally take a person's feelings to account until I have said something really obscene and people just get overly offended. I don't know how I see it, this whole society is one huge therapy case. No one has a sense of humor anymore. And sure it's not funny to make fun of certain situations but what are you suppose to do? Be sad, cry, and drink large consumptions of alcohol about it? Yeah it's called "suck it up" and move on.

Lets rewind a bit. Get to where I am today in my emotional verbiage. When you spend a majority of your life with people telling you to be kind to other peoples feelings and hold your tongue in better judgement you realize that not all people carry the same consideration that you do. Of course there's a time and a place for saying what you need to say in a civilized manner sadly not everyone feels the same. I spent a great deal of time with people stating how they truly felt about me and all I could do was let them vent out their frustration about how they felt. Its not that I felt what they were saying was true it's just whats the point of getting angry when no one in this world is perfect. So I held my tongue, got upset internally then moved on. Okay not really moved on because I was still very much upset about what was set but how was that going to change people's opinions about me? I said nothing, I stayed quiet. Needless to say it never felt good and I hated every moment of it. It doesn't feel good when people say what they need to say with out a care in the world and continue on their life as if nothing has happened. Then one day you reach that point where enough is enough and out comes the word vomit of how you really feel.

It's not in my nature to be down right mean to someone. I know I can be. I have said and done some pretty scandalous things in my time but to down right hurt someone intentionally I can never do. Mainly because I know what it feels like to feel the lowest of the low. I know how bad words can cut into your soul and stay there like a never healing wound. Yet you reach a point in your life where you can't take someones emotional wording anymore. The moment that you stand up for yourself and say how you truly feel. Not cutting someone down, not throwing bullshit garbage at someone but standing up for how you feel, you feel better. To win an argument isn't to belittle someones weakness but to stand up for yourself. If they can't take the same emotional garbage that they in turn throw at you then they should never dish out anything to begin with. All of that takes me to where I am at today. How much of what we say truly effects peoples emotion? Why do people resort to saying hurtful vile things when they are angry and can't tolerate the same feelings back at them?

Recently a person that I am sometimes in contact with was offended by words that I had said. All of it was in a joking manner I didn't mean any reality towards any of it and just one simple line and this person was done. I just have a hard time understanding this person who at one point called me every name in the book, belittled my emotional being and made fun of my appearance in what they state as a joking manner couldn't take one joke that had nothing to do with anything. It makes me wonder how some people think they can get away with saying the things they say. How they in turn can have their friends say things worse than I could ever say and can't take a simple joke. I know my humor is pretty dark and sarcastic. I know my boundaries with people but don't go and telling me things that are in a "joking" manner and can't bother to take the same jokes. So you can dish it out but can't take it. It just makes you wonder where people get off. I haven't done anything different from the average person but yet I get penalized for being myself. Am I suppose to always censor myself for certain people?

Here's how I see it. Love me or leave me alone. If you can't take what I have to say...FINE, but don't turn around and try to be funny with me and not take what I have to say. Don't go around stating how you can take what people have to say and have me censor everything I say. In the words of Kanye West "LET ME BE GREAT" That's just not right. I guess I'll never truly understand how people are.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Rashida Jones.

Rashida Jones. I cannot stress enough how much I have admired Rashida Jones. For years I've been stating how absolutely awesome she is. She can act, she can model, she can sing, she can write, she can pretty much out run a lot the females in Hollywood. Is there anything she can't do? Of course not because you know she's awesome too. Make sure to check out Celeste & Jesse Forever, it's bond to be epic.

Another day in the life.

Considering I had just been laid off of my job about 2 weeks ago. It's no surprise my days have consisted of long late nights and either super early mornings or late mornings/afternoons. This is how I see it; I've been working really hard nonstop since I was about 14, I deserve some aspect of a break right? Sure it's going to be hard but honestly it's the only time in my life that I have to focus on what I really want to be doing. So in the words of Drake:

I'm doing me, I'm living life right now.

yeah feel me?

So in order to sort of jump start a lot of things I did something I hadn't done in about a couple of months. After what seemed like a severe hiatus with my camera, I decided to dust it off and find inspiration. Of course I forgot my camera in my quest for inspiration. So I waited til I was home to take some candid vain photos of myself and my surrounds. It's so easy to whip out a camera phone including with how great technology is now a days but sometime's its nice to take pictures the good ol fashion way. I have this sort of strange relationship with my camera. While I absolutely adore taking pictures (trust it's no lie, my instagram is proof) I just get those moments where I am so tired of people asking to have their picture taken. I don't mind taking pictures for my own personal projects (obviously) but to hear people constantly say "take a picture of me doing this, and this, and that", fucking irritating. It's like shit are you paying me to take your picture? Yeah didn't think so. The photographer aspect of my life is done (thank god) with the exception of taking pictures for my own personal projects I just can't bare the site of one more person asking me to take their pictures. It's like this. I am making my own memories, why don't you do the same. I guess that's my love/hate relationship with my camera. I guess in a way I just see so many aspects of people asking instead of just living in a moment.

Okay done with that rant.

After getting my hair done I finally went to Barnes & Noble for my August magazine fix. Mildly disappointing selection. I couldn't find british Elle, already had all the rest of the magazines with the exception of British Vogue (which I bought), so I went to the register. Of course my new friend at Barnes & Noble convinced me to get the B&N card which I did. They way I see it, I spend too much money at B&N anyways what's another 25 dollars right? Apparently money means nothing to me haha. Took a couple swigs of my Starbucks and headed home.

I have the weirdest ritual I do with magazines. First off I have to be the first one to read my magazines before anyone, because 1. I bought them and they're mine, 2. I bought them and they're mine. So excuse me it's just my thing. Sitting on the floor finishing up the remander of my drink, read my magazines and got ready for the A's pregame show which lead into the game and lead into a WIN and lead to me here on the computer right now.

Well aside from today being different than what I had expected for the week it was none the less a very enjoyable day.

Me & My Precious Starbucks.
New hair compliments of Jeannie @ Tresses Salon

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Linda Evangelista.

Linda Evangelista. Sort of been in a huge nostalgia 90's phase with all the old fashion hits of the 90's returning from retirement (much that I hate and detest) but what I do love is reminiscing about one of my favorite models from the era of the supermodel. Linda was undoubtedly the most striking woman to ever be photographed not just for editorials but even in waking life. She modeled for Versace, Dior, Chanel, some of the biggest fashion houses and pulled off every look flawlessly. She's also one of the very few models that can go from blond, brunette, fire engine red head and look like 239088344 billion dollars. Even now to this day she is still one of the most striking woman in the industry. God Bless Linda Evangelista and my memories of the 90's.

The anticipation of being inspired.

The world tends to have different ways to inspire people. Whether superficially or emotionally, eventually we get our jump off point to where we need to be. On average it doesn't take too much to gather any aspect of inspiration. Everything around us as cheesy and cliche as it sounds is rather inspiring. Films, people, music, life it's all just the elements that give us that push to find greatness. So I guess that's where I find myself lately. Just opening my mind and seeing the world in a completely different way then I had last time.

Perhaps its the writer aspect of my life but lately I have been consumed with dissecting dialogue. From writing down key lines from movies, or even conversations I have had with friends just putting them into thoughts and feelings. It's amazing how much words can make you feel inside. Whether good or bad they have to way of sticking with you like a huge scar. It's the nostalgia feelings of how those words make you feel. I find myself enjoying strong characters, words of the underdogs, people that have been places and are moving on. I guess in a way we find inspiration to transcend into our waking life. Those fictional words at one point had to come from real life inspiration right?

My mind has a way of clouding itself with so much words I can't write them down. I can't really state if I feel scatterbrained at times but just so much thoughts come across my head I don't know where to start. I guess it's safe to say that I do have a lot of material to work on with everything going on in my mind. I probably sound like a crazy person but sometimes the best way to process thoughts is to write them out and move on. Some of these words might be hard to process at times but we need to let them go just as they leave our mind and on to our finger tips to the screen or paper.

Aside from the world of words I've find myself consumed in film and fashion. There's something beautiful about seeing how emotions can show through colors and fabrics on a larger scale screen. I find myself turning to my own wardrobe and noticing that while I still gravitate toward the darker aspects of color I am slowly letting so many elements of light and shapes into my life. Sort of a play on emotion. Where once I was so comfortable living in a lonely darkness that now I yearn for the lights and vibrancy of color. Its amazing how things can change within months to something completely different.

Films have a way of expressing your mood at the moment. Currently enjoying any aspect of Wes Anderson and Woody Allen films and any chance to watch well scripted television I generally gravitate towards. It's that way of putting yourself in a characters situation and transporting yourself into someone else's life. Of course it's all a work of fiction but it's nice to put yourself into something that you wouldn't normally see yourself in.

In a way I find it rather hard to believe that no one can find inspiration these days. Inspirations is everywhere! From the moment you wake up and start your day to the crazy thoughts you transpire in your mind. Whether it be from a delicate way of speaking or a loud expressionable vibrancy of color it's something that will hit and tug at your heart strings until you can't help but comment about it and feel inspire. I guess in a way I am very lucky to find inspiration in every day things, it's those things that make me truly appreciate how much I enjoy the journey into the unknown.