Sunday, July 15, 2012

done. is done.

It's been a while..

okay maybe a little bit longer than I had expected. A lot has been going on and I haven't been able to update as much as I would like. All of that will change.

No really.

I mean it.

It totally will change.

I know I've been saying it for about almost two years but this time is the last time. This time I actually mean it. Before it was more or so like I would be able to tolerate bullshit and now this time I just don't have the soul to put up with anything. Mainly because I don't have a soul so that makes things a little more easier.

Started to look into new environments and more social scenes to get out of this funk. All of which have been working out fine. It's just the getting from point A to point B and waiting to see if it all works out. Fear comes in and just complete nonsense filters my mind but then I get over all of that bullshit and realize

1. I am still young. Not dead just yet.
2. I don't really give a flying fuck.
3. I am single and can pretty much do whatever it is that I want to do.

I want to live in a big city again. I want to live somewhere that doesn't see sun except on special days where everything comes together. I just want to be in a place where more people are more or so like me and not just conforming to every day bullshit.

Basically I just want to be surrounded by complete weirdos.

Good luck to me. Let's see how this goes.


  1. wow I didn't know you had blog but, i'm really glad I came across it. This moved me so much it literally moved me from my phone and onto my computer to post a comment : ]
    First I want to say that this sounds a lot like me a couple years ago. I came to a point in my life that things needed to seriously change. I remember back in 2009 I had so many friends or at least I thought. I always had people coming over to my apt in Pleasanton to hang out. But, I soon realized that most of those people were "party friends". I was one of the very few people amongst that group that had my own place and didn't live with my parents. So to many of them my apt was a great escape. Then everyone disappeared and moved away and no one had a reason to come over anymore. After that things became extremely rough between chris and I. We were always together and at some point we even worked together so we never got time apart. Mostly because I didn't have any girlfriends I could escape to. Also, I felt that most of my "friends" from back then never wanted to invite me anywhere in fear that I might bring chris or just because I was in a relationship meant I was going to be some party pooper. It was really hurtful because when I was at my lowest and depressed state of mind from constant fights with chris, I had no one to turn to. It was horrible not having many friends but, also not having friends many who could be there for me because they were obviously too busy with their party life. We also lived in a town that was meant for families not a young couple in their early twenties. I basically came to a breaking point. Our lease was about to end and they wanted to raise the rent way too high and we felt stuck in our dead end office jobs. Realistically, we wanted to focus on school and work for something more meaningful. In reality I did want those things but, I didn't want to move from that apartment. We had been living there for 4 years and it was my comfort zone. So we decided to maybe stay in the area or possibly move back to livermore which we didn't want to do because it would be further away from school for both of us. We even looked into finding a roommate which we already had terrible experiences with in the past. It almost came down to chris and I breaking up and me moving back home with my parents so we can focus on school for now because it was just too hard to live on our own.

  2. After looking at hundreds of craigslist ads at shitty apartments that were overpriced. I decided, for fun, to look in the bay area like Oakland and Berkeley. Turns out, what I would pay in Pleasanton/Dublin I would in those areas too if not cheaper. So I drove out to Berkeley to check a couple places out and this apartment (the one i'm in now) didn't really strike me at first. I found flaws in everything and not having an ac, washer/dryer, and dishwasher that I was spoiled with in pleasanton wasn't appealing to me. I really never had much intention to actually move to Berkeley. I didn't think I would have been cool enough anyways. But days after seeing that apartment I could NOT stop thinking about it. I even started to have dreams about this place about living there. So I finally shot the idea to chris and our potential roommate and had them go look at the place for themselves. They loved the place and before I knew it we were living in a town full of awesome wierdos like ourselves who were around our age and were awesome genuine caring people that I never knew really existed. I've always been one to stick to my routine and I would rather be stuck in my comfort zone than to change. This change really did change my life and was meant to be. Soon after we moved here my work screwed me over and took back their approval for my request to attend school so I quit (keep in mind this is in 2010 when unemployment was at its lowest and finding a job was near impossible). I worked so hard to apply to so many places that I WANTED to be at. Something that was going to make me feel good about what I was doing. A week after I quit I applied to Berkeley Patients Group, one of the largest dispensaries in California. At first I applied as a joke. I couldn't believe they posted a craigslist ad and I never thought in a million years I would qualify or get picked out of the possibly 1000's of applicants. A month later I'm working there helping emotionally and physically disabled patients who thanked me for helping them pick out their medicine to aid or help relieve their illness. While working there I also found the most amazing trusting beautiful friends in the world. I finally found my group of girls who made me feel smart, strong, and beautiful on the inside out and appreciate life more. If I would have never moved out of my comfort zone (that I was in for 7 years) I could have lost the love of my life and never found what else is out there in the world... even if it's only an hr away. My relationship is so much stronger with chris. I've gained my independence back. Although I'm very sad to have been laid off from BPG it was still the best experience of my life and I'm so glad I pushed myself out of my shelf to try something new.
    I just really wanted to share this story with you because your entry really reached to me emotionally because I felt that way too. It's NEVER too late for anything. You'll see that taking even just 1 risk has so many benefits and can lead to amazing things.
    Love you sister <3