Monday, March 5, 2012

Time is on my side.

It's just absolutely maddening how just simple conversations can transform your whole way of thinking. It's as if no matter how many words we conjure out of our mouths they manage to formulate something sort of magical in a way that changes how you feel and how you react to things. Life has been a little crazy. I noticed myself just being completely vile and hurtful to my body and of course it's just to hide some unseen emotional bullshit I feel but more so because I just stopped caring. Its not that I want to be sick but sometimes the only time I can fully recuperate is to be sick. I hate failing emotionally so to feel that way feels like the biggest source of unhappiness. I tend to let little worries manifest it's self into a hornets nest in my chest. Even with pain comes suffering yet through suffering we appreciate how much beauty we have surrounding us and how much we truly appreciate everything life has to offer.

So with changing how I feel about myself. I change how I view my environment. Change how I feel about people, the universe and the world entire. 

All this from just a simple conversation.

Things are looking up sooner than I think.

Sunday, March 4, 2012


There's just this human notion that we have to hurry and rush to get things done. Chores, errands, all come into play but what about marriage and having children. Aren't we all falling victims to rushing into things before we think things through?

Maybe my countless years of reading about true love and all those John Hughes movie endings have handicapped my emotions in believing that anything short of fantasy can every truly happen in real life. Just this generalized idea that there is someone out there that absolutely gets all of this madness. Fast forward a few years later, countless nights of tears, millions of words and vent sessions with my best friends and we arrive to my reality. All of those notions are just examples of non existent fabricated fantasy. None of that actually exists and if it does we as females tend to believe we deserve better.

While I can't speak for the whole female species, I can state that even with these whole hearted fantasyland way of thinking we tend to look for love in completely wasteless spaces. This rush of ticking time clocks where we need to be married, we need to have kids, we need happy endings are just needs instead of necessities. We tend to find a desperation to be loved and turn ourselves inside out for our happy endings. How much is it a happy ending if it's all one sided? It's hard for me to see perfectly strong women fall victim to old fashion ideas. We don't need a man to make us happy. We don't need a man to give us our happily ever after.

Of course what do I know. I've never truly been in a relationship and all my standards are lists of ideas of men I've only seen in movies and read in books. Is it really the men that makes us this way? Or is it just that we are focusing all our energy in the wrong men? It's all just this unseen fear of being alone. A sense of supreme failure. I look to my left and look to my right at over generations upon generations of extremely strong women I have had the extreme pleasure of knowing but every single one of them all have one thing in mind.


The joining of two souls in holy trinity of matrimony.

As with countless generations and times that are changing, every woman still wants that generalization of marriage. The perfect man, the perfect marriage, the perfect everything. It doesn't necessarily work out that way. We as females are so in constant fear of being alone and what outside influences say about us that we will continue being in a completely hopeless relationships all for the countless fears we have. I just want to tell each woman that when you came into this world you were alone and when you leave this world you leave behind everything you worked for and leave with nothing. Maybe its that idea that makes me believe that in order to find any sort of happiness I have to first find happiness with myself.

It's a very beautiful idea. To be loved, to love and of course to keep being loved. Yet that's all that it is. It's an idea. It only exists to who ever has the power to make this happen. Yet when I look into it I find myself wanting to just find love within myself before I spend a lifetime looking for love in hopeless desires. In turn I say this to all my fellow females. Stop looking. Stop searching. The only person you need to love for the rest of your life is YOU. Once you have accomplished that great love story then you can prepare to love another.