Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Me voy...

For the past couple of months, I've just had this urge to write. But formulating everything I'm feelings doesn't really do much besides staring off into empty space and an even more empty screen. I see the words. I feel the words but the follow through just doesn't come to me.

Lack of motivation? Lack of drive?


Emotional garbage has clouded my way of thinking. Instead of harvesting it into a huge cry fest I've decided to invest it into some manor of good.

Most artists are tortured right?

Emotion brings forth a different level of art right?

All this means is that I'll be on blogger more than normal. Just focusing on next steps and new beginnings.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Sky might fall..

It's crazy how just changes in the weather turn the sky into beautiful arrays of colors. While I've always be partial to the midnight blues, there's something magically about the sunsetting on a rainy day into pinks and purples. The sky might be falling but no matter how dreary of a day it always looks rather beautiful. 

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Choosing sides.

There's always that moment in life where you have to make a decision. Whether it be choosing the right path or even at times the wrong path but how you live with your decisions is in way how you live the rest of your life. Nothing in life should be in regret, your decisions are what set actions in motion. Yet when it comes to juvenile notions I wonder how often people choose sides based on other accounts instead of hearing both sides of the story.

I guess this is my first hand account. My story. As I have stated multiple times, this strive for perfection is nothing more than a mere inside joke amongst good friends for I of all people in this world am not perfect. I have made mistakes, I have paid my karma back tenfold and at the end of the day I don't regret a day in my life. Of course things I would have taken care of differently, things I would have said and actions I would have done differently. At the end of the day I live with my decisions.

I've reached that point in my life where I am done harboring such feelings for such people. I give second chances to people that deserve it and I have learned to be patient with people whom I haven't really gotten to known do to second hand accounts of other people's stupidity. I guess in someways I just wonder how long it takes a person to come to that realization. If' it's taken me 5 years to get to this point how long does it take others? While people stark their claim about being "kind hearted" and "no mean bone on their body" I wonder how much of it is misconstrued for different actions that they make.

Thinking back on two accounts of two different people. Two friends of mine that have no relation to another. A lot of things happened two years ago upon moving back home and while I admit my faults, I paid my price for forgiveness I have no intentions to revisit individuals and actions. All amongst that happening two people that I had considered my friends sort of black listed me in a way. As much as I had tried to contact them, they were too bothered by what ever it is that I had done to the people they had favored instead of wanting to be my friend. I guess I sort of thought of friends as people that had your back no matter what and even if two friends are on the outs they would never choose sides, would never treat one friend better than the other. I mean we're grown adults this isn't elementary school.

What bothers me the most about this is that people I thought I could trust, people I considered my friends just vanished as soon as I was at my lowest. It didn't matter to them and they were more than happy to leave. I will admit I was/am upset about it. While I haven't lost sleep over it, it just breaks my heart to think that  after everything that happens in life we would at least be cool? I was wrong. I understand why it happened. I understand why they took sides and how it was never an intention to hurt the other party but I just find it rather silly that instead of playing neutral, instead of being a friend to both parties, sides were chosen. When both of these people had issues with another person I listened to them. I heard everything they had to say and at the end of the day I wanted to be their friend. While people were apprehensive to be friends again I gave a second chance because that's what friends do. We give second chances regardless of stupid bullshit, regardless of anything. While I am not the easiest person to get along with, do not mistake my kindness for weakness.

I am in no way asking anyone to hear my side of the story. I don't even care what you think about me. If you were my friend in any way you wouldn't need to hear second hand accounts or even go back to the past to a person I used to be. I am NOT that person. While I still kick, scream and get emotional that's who I am. I am not trying to be some one that I am not. I am who I am and that's all that I care about. If anything I leave in closing that I didn't do anything to you. If you had in anyway shape or form thought that I had hurt you in some way I'd rather you have a backbone and tell me instead of disappear. Disappearing is a cowards way to deal with emotions. All I have ever asked from a friend is to treat every single one of your friends as equals. Don't treat one of us better than the other, treat everyone exactly the way you want to be treated. I harbor no ill feelings toward anyone, its not my job to judge anyone. If anything I hope that everything in your life is exactly as you want it, even if we're not friends. If we ever meet again I hope that you find an aspect of kindness in your heart to smile and wave if only for a minute.