Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Take what you want..

It's funny how much can change in a minute, an hour or even a few months. Its as if this suppression of attitudes and moods would help gravitate a change in you. This angry, nostalgic feeling of yesterday. I constantly shake my head at the past. While I am aware of how it has made me stronger I just can't stop shaking the feeling of how I could have handled everything different with the knowledge I know now. It's this time clock you want to go back and change how you felt, be stronger in situations and just alter the future so you would change how you feel now and would never feel that way again.

Suppressing feelings doesn't help so like any human being it's better to just explain things in a complete word vomit way. I just don't know. I thought I knew everything and in the end I just know nothing. I knew in my heart from the get go that everything I felt was wrong and now I sit here with even more distress. I try not to think about it, I try to get over it but it's these never ending sentences I hear replay over and over in my head. I refuse to believe that I was just "that girl", and I also refuse to believe that I could have been that stupid. Truth of the matter is that I was or more so I am. If I could erase the past I would, I'd rather have any sort of feeling of loneliness then feel this huge gap in my soul. Nothing is there, everything is empty.

I don't want to sit here and cry about it. I also don't want to sit here and continue dwelling on it.

Having your heart broken goes away. Most people fill the void, others just suppress the feeling. I just want everything to go away. Memories, faces, words. I just want to be able to feel that I could trust someone without the fear of being let down. That's all that's really heartbreaking. Not the name calling, not the silence; just that moment you hear "I will never let you down" and for it to be the only true and honest statement you will hear in your life. Things don't happen that way. At least for this moment not to me.

This whole time I thought I knew people, in reality I don't know anyone.

 7/5/09

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