Friday, January 27, 2012

build your walls, heighten your senses.

It's hard to pinpoint one exact moment of distaste. Perhaps its just a whole generation of fucked up beings or maybe just the fact that you tend to gravitate toward the same type of people all the time. Salesman of perception that make you believe everything you want to hear. It's my fault right? I fucked it all up. I just made everything in my power to find such vile people right? When your hearts broken all you can do is over analyze everything and everyone. This whole generalization of being used.

I just feel stupid.

Maybe that's where all the anger is coming from. All these verbal lashes and beatings I tend to exhale and yet nothing feels better. It doesn't matter how many people do it, you tend to just think of one person. That one person that just brings everything into a sort of standstill for every fucked up thing that happens. The more you suppress it the more you can't get over the fact that someone can treat you that way. I know people apologize, I know I forgive but at what point can you honestly truly forgive? I understand "life happens" but at the same time it's hard for me to understand that after a lifetime of fucked up accounts I'm still waiting for this materialistic happiness. Instead of moving on and getting over I just let it infest my insides and cloud my perception. I never thought I could honestly hate someone as much as I do, as ugly as it sounds it just makes me want to hit someone and hurt someone just as bad as I was hurt.

Does that really make any sense?

None of that will solve anything but it's just this whole weight in my heart that no amount of personal gain could make disappear. Does it ever disappear?

I used to want this huge apology but now receiving any of those things are just so ungenuine to me. I don't believe people. Mainly because you shouldn't have a reason to apologize because it shouldn't have happened to begin with. You had no right to ruin my heart that way. I let people's unhappiness, ugliness, and egotistical ways get in the way of my dreams and true happiness. I let down my walls for people just to treat me as cold as they treat themselves.

I know in the end I'll get over it. I'll move on. Just this complete hole in my chest will remain vacant until I can find something to fill my complete insides.

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