Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What the water gave me / Lo que el agua me dio.

One of the most emotionally impacting paintings from Frida Kahlo. So much emotion in such a visually graphic painting. Another testament of how much water truly impacts my life.


Control is an extremely beautifully filmed movie. A portray of the life of Ian Curtis of the band "Joy Division". Even if you're not a huge Joy Division fan, any great film goer will truly enjoy the cinematography of the film.

It's just sad to see how lonely of a person Ian truly was.

wish it would rain.

If there's anything I enjoy the most in life, it's the rain.
Any chance to layer yourself in a variety of clothes, put on a great pair of rain boots and of course your handy umbrella.
There's never an excuse to handicap your wardrobe choices because of the weather. Even in a monsoon, you should always look gorgeous with a wide array of color.

Lo que el agua me dio.

What the water gave me.

A spiritual advisor had once told me that my life was ruled by water. It's a soothing thought. My life ruled by one of the purest forms of self cleansing. It's just one of those things that deep down I've always known inside. From the moment I was born to the day my brother woke up after the accident, water has always been a huge impact of my life. Whether it'd be a good thing or a bad thing, there's just that reassurance that after the rain falls and takes away the disgust of the world a new day is upon us.

The rain is the one thing in life that no matter how bad it gets all I do is listen to the rain and feel the sorrows wash over me and disappear. Drop by drop, it washes away the tears, the pain, all the discontent in my heart. This sense that everything can just disappear with a cleansing of the soul and a complete wash of all the elements that make us unhappy. It's a soothing thought, that as soon as the water hits your skin you're a new clean person. No amount of darkness can hurt you once you've cleansed yourself. No amount of pain can follow you.

There was never that fear of drowning. Instead of drowning, you find yourself sinking to the bottom of the abyss. The floating and observing. There isn't a fear, just a sense of reassurance that something amazing is going to be seen in the depths of the ocean. Our bodies slowing sinking like a stone in the sea.

It's a beautiful thought. Just the thought that everything that I haven't a feeling about just washes away and dwindles down into the drain. A tunnel disappearing into an ocean with the rest of the lost souls. Maybe at the end when everything is done I can look back into those memories and realize that those moment made me who I am. Made me into this strong person I see before myself.

Until then just watching everything slowly disappear in to a distant memory is all that I need.

Monday, January 30, 2012


I've defiantly been trying to change it up from my usual norm. There's so much color in life that it's such a same to not adapt it to your every day life.
Reds, pinks, purples, golds, turquoise.
I've gotten really into more of a 1940's working woman look. Very secretarial with an edge of color. Polka dots are just amazing...I mean WHO DOESN'T LIKE POLKA DOTS!!
Some statement pieces, a great lip color, well manicured nails and you're good to go.
I totally want to recreate this outfit in so many ways.

"Take care of yourself Harry".

Maybe this is a goodbye of sorts. Just more of a realization. I always knew it was going to happen but I just denied it for so long. You can suppress all the feeling you have in your heart but when you least expect it your emotions explode and the only person you have to blame is yourself. It's not right to hate, it's not right to bring others down into your ugliness. I just have a hard time understanding how the world works sometimes.

Today was different.

A skip in my step. A smile that just lit up the whole town and for once in a long time I wasn't faking it. There was no pretending, no wires pulling me back. Just a complete sense of relief. Everyone I know in life is doing everything in their power to do them and I know I am on that same exact path. I used to think I needed this army of friends to make me happy. Truth is I don't. The people that have showed me strength, showed me kindness are the people that I will continue to be with in the future.

People change. While others continue to stay the same. I guess it just takes a couple days of believing in people to realize that.

This is the year to be selfish to do everything your heart desires. Don't let love, life, or people hold you back. They will not be the one regretting life's actions, YOU will be. Eventually when you least expect it, everything will fall into place.

Everything in it's right place.

Gossip Girl. Royal Wedding.

Perhaps this is bit far fetched.

Okay MAJORLY far fetched. It's weird to sort of parallel your life to a fictional character on a TV show but some times when you least expect it worlds tend to collide and you think things you shouldn't, get angry at things you shouldn't and then well you pretty much sound like a crazy person.

I understand it's only television and just the fact that they have to make the same character weak and pathetic are for dramatic purposes. She is the most strongest character on the show, I guess you sort of rat your brains out wishing a make believe character saw that in themselves. Maybe I sort of see a lot of myself in her, or maybe I'm just crazy but I guess even in fantasy in real life all you want is to see people happy at the end of the day. That's all that matters right?

But she looked flawless on her "wedding" day.

Crazy she'd pick the Vera Wang dress I've sort of been fantasying about lately.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Watch the Throne. 12.14.11

Watch the Throne. Hip hop superstars (heroes) Kanye West & Jay-Z. San Jose, CA. Definitely the best send out of 2011 and intro into 2012. No opening acts, no bullshit, just pure energy. From start to finish one of the best hiphop shows I've ever seen.

Friday, January 27, 2012

build your walls, heighten your senses.

It's hard to pinpoint one exact moment of distaste. Perhaps its just a whole generation of fucked up beings or maybe just the fact that you tend to gravitate toward the same type of people all the time. Salesman of perception that make you believe everything you want to hear. It's my fault right? I fucked it all up. I just made everything in my power to find such vile people right? When your hearts broken all you can do is over analyze everything and everyone. This whole generalization of being used.

I just feel stupid.

Maybe that's where all the anger is coming from. All these verbal lashes and beatings I tend to exhale and yet nothing feels better. It doesn't matter how many people do it, you tend to just think of one person. That one person that just brings everything into a sort of standstill for every fucked up thing that happens. The more you suppress it the more you can't get over the fact that someone can treat you that way. I know people apologize, I know I forgive but at what point can you honestly truly forgive? I understand "life happens" but at the same time it's hard for me to understand that after a lifetime of fucked up accounts I'm still waiting for this materialistic happiness. Instead of moving on and getting over I just let it infest my insides and cloud my perception. I never thought I could honestly hate someone as much as I do, as ugly as it sounds it just makes me want to hit someone and hurt someone just as bad as I was hurt.

Does that really make any sense?

None of that will solve anything but it's just this whole weight in my heart that no amount of personal gain could make disappear. Does it ever disappear?

I used to want this huge apology but now receiving any of those things are just so ungenuine to me. I don't believe people. Mainly because you shouldn't have a reason to apologize because it shouldn't have happened to begin with. You had no right to ruin my heart that way. I let people's unhappiness, ugliness, and egotistical ways get in the way of my dreams and true happiness. I let down my walls for people just to treat me as cold as they treat themselves.

I know in the end I'll get over it. I'll move on. Just this complete hole in my chest will remain vacant until I can find something to fill my complete insides.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Take what you want..

It's funny how much can change in a minute, an hour or even a few months. Its as if this suppression of attitudes and moods would help gravitate a change in you. This angry, nostalgic feeling of yesterday. I constantly shake my head at the past. While I am aware of how it has made me stronger I just can't stop shaking the feeling of how I could have handled everything different with the knowledge I know now. It's this time clock you want to go back and change how you felt, be stronger in situations and just alter the future so you would change how you feel now and would never feel that way again.

Suppressing feelings doesn't help so like any human being it's better to just explain things in a complete word vomit way. I just don't know. I thought I knew everything and in the end I just know nothing. I knew in my heart from the get go that everything I felt was wrong and now I sit here with even more distress. I try not to think about it, I try to get over it but it's these never ending sentences I hear replay over and over in my head. I refuse to believe that I was just "that girl", and I also refuse to believe that I could have been that stupid. Truth of the matter is that I was or more so I am. If I could erase the past I would, I'd rather have any sort of feeling of loneliness then feel this huge gap in my soul. Nothing is there, everything is empty.

I don't want to sit here and cry about it. I also don't want to sit here and continue dwelling on it.

Having your heart broken goes away. Most people fill the void, others just suppress the feeling. I just want everything to go away. Memories, faces, words. I just want to be able to feel that I could trust someone without the fear of being let down. That's all that's really heartbreaking. Not the name calling, not the silence; just that moment you hear "I will never let you down" and for it to be the only true and honest statement you will hear in your life. Things don't happen that way. At least for this moment not to me.

This whole time I thought I knew people, in reality I don't know anyone.



If only I could spend a whole month at home and watch films.

This week is my Woody Allen week.

Nothing but the best.

Monday, January 16, 2012

January....why you treat me this way...

Standing still before the chaos starts.

Just taking in the subconscious, day dreaming and mixing several ideas before they have a chance to bake and manifest into something beautiful. I love January for all it brings me, the hope, the sadness, and this cold shoulder I never thought I could ever truly appreciate.

watching, observing a million things in hopes that it brings me everything that I need.

Characters, dialogue and more importantly the stories I've seen a million times in my mind out into the open for all to see.

6 months. you got what I need.

30 Rock

There aren't many shows today that have that knee slap chuckle funny. Of course you have the occasional toilet humor shows but to bring a balance between intelligence, pop culture, current events, slapstick, with such classiness and grace that is what I call 30 Rock. Okay maybe not so much graceful but defiantly more relateable then most of the shows that are out there.

God Bless 30 Rock.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Tina Fey.

In honor of the greatness that is 30 Rock returning to TV after summer/fall hiatus I give you one of my personal heroes Tina Fey. There are so many elements to Tina Fey: brilliant, funny, witty, striking, amazing, this list could go on. There's no doubt how extremely talented she is as a writer, author, actor, and mother. There's nothing this woman can't do. With everything she does in her professional and even personal life just shows you that yes you can have it all and be amazing at it as well.

God Bless Tina Fey.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


Aren't we all hoping for some aspect of a miracle? Some a little more so than others.. Of course I am speaking from personal experience. I guess I just feel like every single year its the same routine of things. The glitz and sparkle of the holidays are over, the new year is dawning across our shoulders and yet we wait in patience while time just manages to fast forward for just a moment. Am I missing something out of the ordinary?

Don't we all want something extraordinary? Its like I turn to books, to music, to life to find an aspect of inspiration and I feel that all I find are everything I want in completely different time periods or just a warped fantasy of reality. I know dreams come true, I know things happen for a reason but it's all the in between purgatory that I feel sometimes. We live, we breathe and then we start all over again. That's life I am aware of that but sometimes I wonder how much more there is to give. Its this melancholy state that I am in, its more than feeling sick its this dark light that I sometimes feel inside and  I just can't bare to have it over shadow everything else I am feeling and hoping for. I turn to patience, I turn to the light and just pray that everything works out.

Until then I'll just lay completely still and pray inspiration strikes me when I need it be.

Like Crazy.

Well I have a tendency to want to see films when I am at an awkward state, so seeing "Like Crazy" in the ways I've been feeling made me feel pretty good. This had been my most anticipated film to see since it hit the Sundance festival, aside from all the raves about the film I was curious to see how two completely talented actors would pull off some of the most serious relationship matters that we deal with today. What makes this a great film was just its stars in general, not completely household names (yet) but seeing pure raw talent unfold on screen with such tremendous chemistry was magical. 20 minutes into the film you're completely hooked into Anna and Jacob's story you believe their love, their hope and at time their extremely tested patience. There is such a realness in their performance that just brings you to tears and helps you feel every emotion they're feeling as if you were them. If the reports are true that most of this film was improvised then wow no words can justify the intenstity in this film. Felicity Jones just radiates on screen you honestly feel as if you are her character (I did at least). Honestly it's a pretty decent film I won't say its the world greatest film but it's good for what it's worth.

I saw a lot of similarities between this film and "Blue Valentine" which was a pretty decent film but what Blue Valentine lacked was the focus of why you should feel bad for the demise of their relationship. In "Like Crazy" you see the rise and demise of their relationship through every struggle they had been through and with "Blue Valentine" it just completely missed the boat on that notion. Of course the crazy flashbacks of how they were when they were young and in love and then how things changed when they were older but I felt as if I wanted to dig deeper into "Blue Valentine" instead of just pointing fingers of who's to blame. With "Like Crazy" you see everything unfold, you root for your character and you watch them completely grow.

I know I am going to dig deeper into this and quite possibly dissect it the best way I can but if you ever felt anyway that Jacob and Anna did I would assure you to please see this film.

Jason Wu for Target.

It's safe to say that I enjoy and love every bit of this collection. A complete breath of fresh air compared to a lot of the "for Target" collections. I want this complete collection.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Jason Wu for Target.

Something about this collections reminds me of late 1940's with a hint of sailor. With that stated I am in LOVE! Can't wait for the collection to drop on Feb. 5th. Hopefully I have better luck with this collection then I did with Missioni for Target.

greys and pinks

Colors are key to life and when going for such a light palette of colors its best to keep accessories and makeup extremely simple. 
Try to draw attention to the delicate features of your body such as your neck and hands. Always have your hands manicured and with such a light colors it's best to use to light pinks on your nails. Essie in "Mademoiselle" or Chanel "Ballet Slippers" are the best.
Keep make up natural and use a very bold yet delicate pink for a lip. I prefer more flesh tone pink since this is more of an afternoon look.

Felicity Jones.

Felicity Jones has to be by far the most enchanting person to watch on screen. She doesn't just appear on screen, she is the scene and at some moments the whole film. Honestly one of the actors to watch this year. Not only is she talented but she's striking as well. New style icon  in the making if you ask me. 

New year, new beginnings.

2012....aw the sweet sounds of a new year...or to some a new end.

What do the Mayans know anyway? While this may be an end of an era this is by far not the end.

We reach the end in order to speak of new beginnings. 2011 wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. While  going through the archives of my mind I realized "you know 2011 wasn't that bad". I didn't do as much travelling as I wanted to do but the travelling I did do was by far the most memorable.

Palm Springs, Indio, New York City, Philadelphia, Gettysburg, Harrisburg, Mexico City.

Coachella, McQueen, The Wedding, Dia de los Muertos..

Where do I even begin? All I know is that I spent the most selfish year of my life doing exactly and everything I wanted to do. How many of us can honestly say that? All I know is that I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I guess going into this new year I just want more. More experiences, more adventure, more travels and much more life.

Who knows where this journey will lead me but all I know is that no matter what happens, I've got everything I need.