Wednesday, November 14, 2012

30 is the new 20.

On October 31, I turned 30.

Yes. 30.

My youthful years are slowly seeping out of my hands like sand through an hour glass.

For the past couple of weeks leading up to my birthday I had a lot of time to reevaluate my life. Of course what better way to think about my youth then by listening to Frank Ocean "Channel Orange". Something about the way he sings soothes into my bones and deep in my soul. It's just a huge series of emotions that follow up into one of the biggest milestones of my adult life.


Okay just looking at the number makes me sort of feel dramatic. I don't look thirty. I feel older but thirty? Does anyone ever really feel thirty? Can you even feel a number?

Back to what I was getting at. Sort of went through my whole past couple of years. My teen years which were awkward and semi depressing. My twenties which were dramatic and full of self doubt. Now getting into my thirties I don't feel the way I did in my prior years. Is it weird to say I feel at peace? I always thought that becoming 30 meant I was suppose to have all the things a normal individual would want. I should be with someone, I should have a family, I should have settled down. I should have, I should have, I should have. A different path choose me and I went on this wild ride. I've said it multiple times that while emotionally I didn't feel 100%  my life is what made me a stronger person. I wouldn't change anything that happened from the past for anything in the world. The choices I made, the people I met and everything else in between made all the difference in the world. Now while I may not talk to the people I did a couple years ago, or I do the things that I did I'm still here and I won't be going anywhere any time soon.

Sure there's things I regret. People I wish I wouldn't have been associated with. I can't go back and change things, no matter how much I want to. If there's anything left unsaid I just hope the universe relays the message. All I can say about the matter is I am human and I make mistakes. Even though I've learned a lot, I am still growing up. I will make mistakes along the way but no matter what happens I will be okay. What I learned about my past is while I sat and waited for the reassurance of my peers I realized the only approval I needed was my own. Of course this is all things you realize once things change in your life.

Who knew right?

Maybe I won't feel 30 until my late 30's but at this moment I'll just believe that I'm still living in my youth. There's still so much I need to accomplish before I think about having a family and settling down. I want to be able to live my full selfish life before I have to put others first. I know where I am going in my life. I know the steps to lead me to where I need to be. It took me a couple of years to realize how much power I have over my surroundings but I will get there. A little longer than I would have liked but I know eventually soon everything will fall into place.

Everyting in it's right place.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Current Obessions 11/11/12

1. Ellie Goulding "Anything could happen". While I wasn't crazy over the "Lights" album, I have been swooning over this album. I can't go a day without listening to this track especially. I love, love, love her music. 
2. Nars Lip pencil in "Dragon Girl". Of course lip pencils will forever remind me of my cholla days of dark lip liner and lighter color lipstick. These lip pencils are amazing (then again it's Nars). Dragon girl is literally to be a great shade of red. New fave.

3. Pellegrino. I drink a lot of water. Lets just put it out there. I know my instagram probably shows otherwise. I tend to drink at least 2 liters of water a day so imagine my surprise that moment I started liking sparkling water. I hated mineral water when I was younger but recently someone gave me a bottle of Pellegrino and after 1 sip I was hooked. I can't stop buying bottles (has to be in a glass) and absolutely enjoying drinking. 

4. Hotel Chelsea. Nothing SCREAMS New York music scene like the Hotel Chelsea. I have had the privilege of staying here at least once in my life and every time I am in NYC I have to stop by and say hello. I cannot wait to return to you Hotel Chelsea.

5.  Ryan Adams & Mandy Moore. Absolutely love him, never really cared for her but somehow together they work. They do make an absolutely lovely couple. 

We want this like everyone else.

Music has a way of sinking into your heart and reminding you of certain glimpses of the past. Maybe I've been far to harsh in my reality. Leaving everything in my rear view mirror is just something I've been so used to doing. Then beautiful words intertwined with beautifully orchestrated music change everything. Before you know it you're swept up by the music and back to the exact moment where you heard this song. Now while I've been one to want to completely forget, it's hard when something so beautiful fills your ears and you find yourself reminiscing.

If there was a way to be locked into a dark room with a pair of headphones and a never ending supply of music I would do that in a heartbeat. Anything to find something that would reach a moment where things meant the world to me. Instead I am stuck with hearing songs of the past and the people these songs are associated with. Can we ever really escape our past if it tends to follow us in song? Music is always incorporated into every aspect of my life but sometimes the memories that come with it are too much to deal with. No matter how many times to we try to forget the universe wants us to remember in order to truly move on. In a way I know I can't hide from my feelings forever but sometimes for just a minute I want to throw my past behind me and continue moving forward. Then  moments hit you like a ton of bricks and you can't help but think of everything. A voice, a feeling, even a slight change of the season changes everything you feel.

Some days I wish I could have my memories erased. Everything that ever made me feel weak, or vulnerable to people. Then it would make forgetting them so much easier. No matter how many times I go through my days and go about my journey, it's my dreams that remind me of people that still exist. I wish things were different. I wish people truly did change. More importantly I am just wishing that I was able to fully open my heart and truly forgive. Then again opening up my heart would mean that I would finally have a heart. By that time the music returns and it's starts all over again. The familiar faces, the beautiful sounds, and those everlasting memories that are just to unbearable to forget.

I want to forget don't I? I want to believe that everything will only be a small fragment of my life instead of a huge montage of photographs with a soundtrack. How can I truly ever forget when everything is a constant reminder? That's just one of life's funny ways of keeping you grounded. These memories that return through song are the only ways we remember who we used to be. I can grit my teeth and choose what I would like to remember. It's always the same. Lost loves, lost friendships and beautiful songs that remind you of the past. Eventually I won't have to look back anymore, soon it will all just be a simple memory. Until I reach that moment I will just continue to have my little flashbacks. All put together by a beautiful soundtrack.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Emma Watson.

Once in a great while an actor will grow up before your very eyes. A lot can be said about Emma Watson's previous work in the Potter franchise. She was Hermione Granger, now that the Potter movies are over what happens to child actors? They either go the desperation route or they further explore their craft and showcase their true talents.

I will say it I love Emma Watson. How she portrays herself as a person and as an actor. Not to mention she is extremely photogenic and has a great sense of style. At the moment I am currently obsessed with these photos from the New York Times T Style pages.

Current Obsessions. 11/9/2012

1. Aaron Paul. It's great to see awesome talented people finally get the recognition they deserve for their talents. To see Aaron Paul be praised for his talents and rewarded is awesome. Goes to show in an industry of copycats and remakes talent will always over shadow hype.

2. Passion and Nostalgia. There was a time in my life where I wouldn't leave the house without my camera. While I still take pictures it's more for my personal benefit than gain. I'll never forget how much love I feel for capturing beautiful images. 

3. The Five Year Engagement. I will just say it now. I love Jason Segal and Emily Blunt. Put them in a movie together it's automatically going to be my favorite movie. I laughed, I cried, and I just about fell even more in love with both of them. 

4. Air Yeezy 2. I pretty much need these shoes. Since I am afraid of buying bootlegs I'll just wait until the Air Yeezy 3's come out. But either way my guru Kanye West makes the best of everything.

5. Lana Del Rey for H&M. What can I say Lana Del Rey sure does photograph well and I pretty much want all of the clothes in these photos. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Perks of being a wallflower.

Lets start off by saying that Perks of being a Wallflower is our generation's catcher in the rye with elements of the great gatsby. Of course when I mean OUR generation, I mean the generation that was born in the 80's and raised in the 90s. I remember when this book came out and what a big deal it meant. It was showing the reality of being a teenager and coming out of your shell with the help of people that will change your life forever.We all have stories, we all in some way, shape or form have been Charlie. Making a film of such a beautiful story could only be told by the author himself Stephen Chbosky.

To put into words what the film meant to me just brings a huge sense of emotions. The story was true to the book in the best form hollywood would allow. The music was impeccable. The cast was just brillaint. Everything about this film brought to life the emotions you felt in your head when you read the book. Logan Lerman did a fantastic job of being Charlie and I couldn't tell you how many times I cried at the end of the film. It wasn't saddness it was almost just this complete beautiful lonileness and the realization that no matter how many times you've felt alone you will always have people to be there for you.

If you're fans of the book, or even if you haven't read the book I advise you to please not only see this film but read the book. You will not be disappointed.

Let's go Oakland.

I will be honest. If you were to have told me that at this current moment I would be having baseball with drawls I would have told you, you were out of your damn mind. More importantly that I would have gone to a total of 14 baseball games this year I would have also told you I had better ways to spend my money. So imagine my surprise how I rekindled love for the game and more importantly my team the Oakland Athletics.

Here's the thing. I have always been an A's fan. Have I been proactive about this team? No. Have I gone to A's games prior to my new found love? Yes. Was I sober at any of the for mentioned games? Well no. The only thing I can say about baseball was at the time I thought it was the most boring sport in the world. Golf was the first most boring sport, coming in at second was baseball. Anything having to do with baseball was ridiculous. Aside from the countless movies that made baseball the most greatest sport on the planet that was the only way I found baseball interesting. Through a beautiful scored soundtrack, wonderfully gifted actors, great direction and phenomenal screenplay anything is possible.

When my friend Hilda invited me on a tour of AT&T Park (Home of the San Francisco Giants) I wasn't aware of how that would change my outlook of the sport. Going on a tour with fellow baseball fanatics is different then going on a tour with people who don't care about the sport. To see how a complete empty patch of nothing came to become one of the most beautifulest parks in the states is overwhelming. The recent history as well as behind the scene features made me wonder more about the sport as well as the people that were in love with the sport. I started doing my own research on the sport, my team's standings as well as familiarize myself with something I knew nothing about. People thought I was crazy. Nobody understood how I went from talking about fashion, food, and film to talking about a sport I knew absolutely nothing about.

Of course the time that I got involved with the sport couldn't have happened at a better time. I lost important people of my life, I lost my job and instead of crying about my losses I found something to occupy the emptiness I felt inside. With the help of a pact I made with Lily (someone I had met through Hilda on the tour, huge Giants fan) we vowed that for every Oakland game Lily went to I would in turn go to a Giants game. I wouldn't have gotten through this summer if it wasn't for Lily. Baseball doesn't become interesting until you met someone that makes everything fun for you. For every strike, stolen base there's Lily that has the same twisted sense of humor you do about things. The only two people on this planet that ever took time to explain and be patient with me about a sport are Hilda and Lily. They didn't make fun of things I said, corrected my explanations and made jokes with me about every other team that weren't teams from the west coast. I guess you can say they created a monster because through them I started understanding what I was reading, watching, even understanding every call as it was happening. Before I knew it I watched from Game 1 until the post season. It wasn't just my team I was watching I was commenting I was getting more involved and feeling a different sort of passion then I had for any thing else.

In a way going on that tour was the gateway into the sport. Lily was the person that changed the whole game for me. You realize how much you learn from people just by how passionate they are for a team. You yearn to find passion in something so much that it hurts your heart as well as brings a smile across your face.

There are many reasons why I am an A's fan. Aside from the growing number of put downs I've heard about being a fan it's knowing that no matter how many World Series they've won, no matter how many times they have defied odds they will always be the under dogs of the MLB. It doesn't matter that they've won 20 games in a row, or that they've paved the way for so many hall of fame veterans no one will ever look at the A's as they do the Yankees or the Giants. Every season they regroup their band of misfit players and play for miracles. It's more than just wins, its earning the respect of their peers that told them they would only win at most 70 games this season. They won 94 and AL West Division Champions. I cheered, insulted, cried, and did countless superstitions with this team. Even if they didn't make it to the World Series even after they lost to Detroit in Game 5 I still cannot get my mind off hearing the chanting so crystal clear from the TV. There is nothing like seeing people that were completely misjudged by an industry of perfectionists, find respect among their peers and among their fans.

If you ask me why I'm an A's fan it's simple. I've been the misfit, the broke down, beat down, black & blue. I know what it's like to be the under dog and want the respect of my peers. All it takes is one magically season to turn it all around. Seasons come and go. Players get traded, people change but I will never forget how I felt this whole season. I met some great people, rekindled relationships with family memebers and more importantly grew to love a sport I never thought I would ever love. With that stated I will never stop rooting for you Oakland. No matter what happens next season no one can take away the magic that happened this season. Thank you Oakland for filling my heart with hope, because it's when I've lost everything that this team brought some of the greatest influencial people in my life. Thank you Lily, Hilda, Anthony and importantly Bob Melvin and Billy Beane.

This one is for the under dogs.

"Lets go Oakland".


*I'll be posting quite a few times today, since I haven't posted in weeks. BE PREPARED! You have been warned*

Don't you hate the moment you completely forget about a person, someone has to remind you of their existence. It's not that you would wish anything bad upon a person it's just they have been the furthest from your mind and you'd like to keep it that way. Imagine my surprise when my Nina mentioned something out of the blue about "boyfriend".

Okay back story.

I met "boyfriend" on a camping trip with my Nina's family. To put it in technical terms he is actually my Nina's husbands cousin. Lets just get this straight I was in no shape or form attracted to this guy. I didn't even give this guy much thought, but since I had a banter with him people assumed differently. Thus the nickname "boyfriend" was coined for him. Boyfriend was an asshole. Simple as that. I didn't say no more than 11 words to this guy but everyone would keep making jokes about our "relationship". I played along. It's what I do. I am not sure if people thought because I am alone that I am lonely (which I am not) but my Nina made some sort of attempt at a love connection disguising it as helping Boyfriend with project.

I am clueless to the male species. Ryan Gosling himself could tell me that he loved me and I would do nothing but laugh. It's not insecurity or anything it's just comical to me. Maybe it's just knowing who I am and it's hard for me to think that people can see past all my bullshit and find anything I do remotely cute or attractive. Hey that's just my own weirdness. I get that. So the whole boyfriend thing was just humorous to me. I knew what my Nina and Boyfriend were doing. If anything from the whole experience I just wanted a guy friend.


Friend and nothing more.

I knew boyfriend liked me. So in some cases I was humoring the fact of trying to like him. That's what everyone I know does. They learn to like someone, get into a relationship and then fall in love. That's what is suppose to happen right? I was dead wrong. He was a fucked up person. I never saw him face to face, we never talked on the phone all we ever did was text each other. If I am not seeing you in the flesh then why on earth would I want to date you?  No matter how many times I initiated a hang out he was always "busy". The whole point of him talking to me was to work on a project which never existed. Some where in his warped mind he was convinced we were dating. Instead of initiating time to actually hang out he formulated in his mind that what we were doing was a relationship. Of course no matter how many times I told him we were friends that all I was looking for was friendship he was convinced otherwise. I am not sure whats worse. Humoring the situation or just toying with the idea.

I didn't want to date him. I gave him no indications that we were. All I did was talk to him in the way I talk to all my friends. Since everything was through text messages he must have saw something that I didn't see. Which lead him to be completely bipolar and shallow at times. Then came the worse stuff the derogatory terms he'd call me thinking it would win a way into my heart. I am not sure if it's just society to begin with but every single guy I have ever been friendly with thinks that talking dirty to me is cute. Honestly it's makes me uncomfortable, I think its disgusting and I am not dating you why would I talk to in that sort of way?

Something happened which even to this day I can't even remember what happened but Boyfriend was insulted by something I said and proceeded to call me names then he "broke up" with me. Mind you. I have never seen him face to face. I couldn't even tell you what the sound of his voice sounds like. I couldn't even tell you what he looks like. So him breaking up with me and then asking me for all the numbers of my single friends, I wasn't in any means heartbroken. I thought it was hilarious. A week later when he tried contacting me I ignored him. I told my Nina what happened and how fucking crazy he was and she said she was sorry she tried to set us up. For a couple months I didn't hear anything about him. I knew he started dating some other girl but no one really mentioned anything about him in my direction and even when I'd see his mom I'd still make jokes about us being together.

Honestly that whole situation was a complete waste of my time. Bullshit even. Just thinking if I had been some desperate girl what would my life be at this moment. I was bothered at the fact that I bought into it in a way. I really wanted to believe that maybe being with someone wouldn't be so bad. All my other friends are in relationships maybe I can learn to like this guy. I just get so used to the same type of person. The jokes, the banter, the overall narcissism and for a moment he almost became somebody I could actually like. Reality hits and I realize that he isn't and will never be who I want. At the end of the day my heart knows what I want more than anything. I will not settle for anything less than seeing sparks.

Imagine my surprise to hear about his life and just how things are going with him. It took me a moment to realize who my Nina was talking about. All I could feel was a sense of relief all of which I concluded with my signature eye roll. All of that would have been me. I would have to be dealing with his bullshit. Dealing with his drama and the only thing I could honestly think of was, I dodged a bullet. Who knows maybe deep down he is a good guy. Maybe people can change. Or maybe just maybe people finally get what they deserve.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Current Obsessions. 10/1/2012

1. Argo Tea Green Tea Ginger Twist. In NYC after damaging my feet for the 32934 time this year my cousin Jazelle and I need to stop to get something to drink literally every 20 minutes because 1. It was hot as hell in NYC (damn heat wave) 2. We just need a good tea. Imagine our surprise when we dropped into Argo Tea. Not only were the teas SPOT ON but there hasn't been a tea place since Teazers in Fresno that I have been obsessed with since Argo. Well low and beyond I walked into my local Raleys and a sales clerk was handing out samples of bottled Argo Tea. Found out they made the one that I feel in love with into a bottled form and lets just say I will be drinking these until they stop selling them.
2. Lost in Translation. This movie literally came on and I can't help but have every emotion imaginable. Sofia Coppola movies sort of just do that to you. They make you think and feel every sad emotion you can think of. Plus  Bill Murray is in it and well Bill Murray just makes everything all better.

 3. Forever Sunshine by Bath & Body Works. Every year for Christmas my Nina & I give each other new lotions and scents that remind us of each other. Well I literally have a cabinet filled with lotions and it wasn't until my stock of lotions that I have were running low that I busted out my emergency stash. Imagine my surprise how much I truly enjoy this scent. It's clean, fresh, and bright like the sun. I just hope I won't smell like forever sunshine forever cause you know forever is a long ass time I can't make commitments like that.
4. Alicia Keys "Girl on Fire". While I have a love/hate relationship with artist I always find that I truly enjoy every one of Alicia Keys singles she puts out. While I wasn't fully convinced on "Girl on Fire" when I heard a snippet of it, it wasn't until I heard the full song that I truly enjoyed and loved the song. Now I can't stop listening to it. If you actually listen to the words it's a pretty powerful song. 


You would think by the time you reach the end of your twenties you would be in the career of your choice. That would you meet a special someone, live in a small house in south central LA, raise some kids and just have IT. Here I am on the brink of the last remaining days of my twenties and I am literally starting from the ground up. I know this isn't failure but this has to be on the most hardest thing I have ever done. How do you start from absolutely nothing, from just a fragment of an idea and have everything fall into place? In some aspects I am very scared. I know at the end of the day if something doesn't go right I can always go back to different sources but I am tired of fall back plans. I am tired of being jealous of other people accomplishing things and I am still here trying to make something for myself.

It sucks having all these things inside of me and sometimes having no one to talk to. Its not that I want someone to tell me that everything is alright, I just want to see someone face to face and cry. I know I am not hopeless. Just sometimes I have those feelings of being lost. I just find ways to occupy my time instead of seeing things for what they are. I am scared, I am heartbroken at times and sometimes I just want to sit in a dark room and cry. Sadly I can't do that.

Let me just rephrase what I put. I DO have people to talk to but I don't have anyone that I can just call up in the middle of the night and drive over. Does that make sense? I don't feel lonely by any means but I will admit when things happen I miss having that person I can just get a facial reaction from.

I sound crazy.

I am done crying.

I need to just enjoy these remaining years of my twenties which by the way my twenties were not that awesome. Who knows maybe I'll raise out of my twenties like a Phoenix into supreme awesomeness.

Dear Lord I hope so.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

muggy air, clear skies.

I am ready for the seasons to change. For the leaves to turn colors, for the air to get cooler. Last night just seemed like the first signs of that. No matter how hot my body heat felt the slight chill of the night felt absolutely wonderful. Changes. Different things to look forward to.

Then I wake up this morning to a dry cough, allergies, and the most disgusting muggy air. All I can think of doing was curl my hair, put some Bio Oil on my face and call it a lazy Saturday. Tshirts and Jeans while watching the game just scream BEST DAY EVER. Still debating of what to do with my hair. I keep thinking of chopping it a little below shoulder length, one full length, maybe some bangs. Something different, personal. I also keep jotting down ideas of what I want to wear this fall and winter. I just want something different. I am going to be 30 soon so maybe it's just something that SCREAMS new me. Right now this muggy air is suffocating my insides.

I realize I can't function in the warmth. I can't function being sweaty and warm. Just makes for a terrible atmosphere. I also can't function with the sun light directly hitting my face. Afternoon sun is swell but that first signs of daylight I just want to close my eyes and call it a century. Perhaps I need to gravitate towards cooler climates. Move to less sunny states or countries. While this past summer was sure full of surprises I have to say that above everything, I am ready for what the next journey entails.

Ready for adventure, ready for triumph and most of all ready for everything to fall into place.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Current Obsessions. 9/27/2012

1. Bill Cunningham. You can't have fashion week without talking about the greatness that is Bill Cunningham. Not only is he the last genuinely good person in the fashion industry but he is also the most influential. His photographs are absolutely amazing just like his subjects and to say that I would be star struck if I saw him on the street is absolute truth. 
2. E.L.F Lip Balm. Since I am on a major budget. Okay LIES. Even if I wasn't on a major budget I would still buy a crap load of E.L.F products. Finally tried out the E.L.F. tinted lip balm and not only do my lips feel better but the little hint of color was awesome. Wasn't sticky and didn't dry out my lips. It was just perfect. You can't beat that for 2 dollars can you?

4. Zara. The worst thing about being unemployed is not having a disposable income to buy all the clothes and things I want and need. Sort of obsessed with the Zara lookbook especially the look on the right. I want everything in that picture. Beanie, coat, dress & boots. 

4. Control. I am on a Sam Riley kick. He is beautiful and talented. DO NOT JUDGE ME.


I've been called every bad name in the profain book. While much has been very deserving and other times used in humor. I can't help but realize of all the names I've been called only once sticks out.


In my defense I am a pretty decent human being. Though I am not in the running for saint status I can say for the most part I try to live a pretty decent drama free life. Then of course there are those things that are beyond my control. Those times where I swear a Tarantino soundtrack comes into play and I can't help but spew out every foul thing I can't think of. It has been years of never defending myself when I was younger that as I started growing up I found ways to find peoples weaknesses. By the time I reached middle school I was really good at cutting people down. Honestly I don't realize what I am saying until I see the reaction on people's faces. Of course people will just normally say things back at me or don't bother saying anything at all. It's a defense mechanism I can't get rid of. Always thinking people are the enemy when in reality they are trying to be my friend.

I've stated I haven't had the greatest people in my life. I've been lied to, put down, emotionally abused mean girl bullshit so it's hard for me to at times break out of my mean spirited ways. I keep forgetting that every person I come in contact with is different but sometimes a memory just comes into play and I'm back at the place I was before. That worthless feeling and my only way to get back up is to attack. Put downs come out so fast from my head that my mouth has a hard time catching up, which causes me to stutter. I get so upset that sometimes I don't say everything I am feeling that when all is said and done I wait for other times to say things. I can hurt people. I have made people cry. While I don't feel anything after I say things in that moment, its the after shocks that cause me to reevaluate what I have said. I can't turn around and apologize for what I said, I meant what I said. How do you turn around years of bad thinking and start fresh as a different person? Can that even be done?

It's different now. I don't have to defend myself as much as I used to. I don't have to keep hiding who I am or who I was before. While it is a blessing to be in different environments, I sometimes  feel tested. Even the good fall down sometimes but just that need to defend myself comes up randomly lately. It's like I understand people are not out to get me. People say things differently then how I would say it but I can't help but go back and think of everything negatively. I am just so used to being treated so horribly that I believe that everyone is a terrible person instead of good hearted people. I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone you meet is a bad person. Just this constant reminder that I don't have to be set in attack mode at all times.

 Everything changes once you realize you need to change. So while I am extremely creative in my sarcastic bitchy undertones I shouldn't use it to hurt people. Perhaps my words could be used for other services instead of arguments and put downs. Until then I will just have to pick my battles fairly.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


Not really sure how to even begin. There's just this generation that is in constant fear to do anything on their own that they feel the need to have everyone do things for them. Part laziness, part needing someone to take control of situations but when do people get to the point that they realize what they are doing isn't helping themselves? It's a never ending generation of the oldest little girls and boys that have a fear of growing up and live in a state of utter juvenileness. Who is to blame honestly society? Parents?

I can say for the most part while I was growing up I never went a day without things I needed. I had a roof over my head, I had food in my belly, things that I wanted I could ask for and it was a simple "yes" or a dreadful "no". You never heard me screaming in the toy aisle because I didn't get what I wanted. I for the most part know what it's like to struggle. I know what it's like to see people I care about struggle. To see people have their lives handed to them and be ungrateful is one thing. I tend to see that a lot but to have people be ungrateful while other people are doing the work for you it's absolutely ridiculous. I admit I've babied a lot of my former friends. Whether it be buying a lunch here or there, giving a ride some where. I get it we all need favors but when it starts to get ridiculous when they're perfectly capable and able to do things on their own but refuse to because they handicap themselves with "A.D.D" or "anxiety" I just don't buy it. If you have a valid drivers license, if you make money to pay for a lot of bullshit things you don't need then you don't need anyone helping you.

When I was old enough and mature enough to take care of my own finances I did. Of course that hasn't come with hardship. I knew the importance of never borrowing money from friends. I knew the importance of being independent. I also knew that if you let someone pay for something you have to pay back in return. Maybe I was raised differently than everyone else. Sometimes I go over and beyond what I am suppose to do in situations. I find myself helping people out because that's what I would want in return, but when I realize that my kindness is taken advantage of I start questioning friendships. If you go around behind my back being ungrateful and stating things that aren't true when you, yourself owe me for a lot of times I've helped you out then we don't need to be friends. When I can't count on one hand how many times people have helped me out but can count my hands and feet the times I have helped others that just becomes the last straw. You're not an adult by the things you own. You're not an adult if you bitch and complain about your situations. If you can't even look at yourself and the bullshit you've done then you're still in a childlike mindset. Go ahead and blame others, blame me for everything. Truth of the matter is this: It was my car that I drove everyone everywhere, it was my money that I spent countless times, it was my emotions and goodwill that people took advantage of because they are too immature to take care of themselves. Sure people have a lot of pretty things, people go out and have a good time or they stay at home read the countless blogs on the Internet and state how they're so much better than people. NEWSFLASH You're not better than anyone.

There's also a misconception that people come from money. I for one don't come from money. I've seen my parents scrap by on pennies a day to keep this family together. So to say I know struggle I mean it, I lived it. If I want to spend my money on an expensive bag, or an equally expensive scarf I will. Not because I want to show off but because I made my money and deserve to have the beautiful things I admire. I talk about beautiful things, and wonderful places. I enjoy great things but just because I love great things don't expect me to pay for your finances. If I invite you out it's one thing but to all the time think I am going to pay for you is ridiculous. Unless you're a charity cause don't expect me to always be giving you hand outs. The only person I should be taking care of is ME, not you. What I am trying to get it is it's a just a huge following of people that are babied. They expect you to do everything and don't even have a genuine thank you for anything. People that blame you for not showing compassion when they themselves don't even know the first thing about compassion. I've been guilty of falling into traps of these people and finally just happy I no longer have to feel bad about losing those friendships. My friendship is valued in love not dollar signs. Don't ever forget that.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Current Obsessions. 9/24/2012

1. Candy Corn. Tis the season for sweets and cavities. Of course I am obsessed with fall weather but more importantly the fall weather produces the greatest candy in the world. CANDY CORN! It's literally just all sugar and you know what I am okay with that.
2. Fiona Apple. I've sort of been on a Fiona Apple listening spree, mainly "when the pawn" which gravitates toward "tidal wave" and of course all the newer stuff but lately "fast as you can". Something that just eats away at your soul when she sings.

3. Old photographs. I recently found a series of photographs taken of me from a spontaneous trip to LA to see Radiohead. I can see while the style as changed drastically, the love for big sunnies & red hair has not. 

4. Pumpkin Scones. Thank you Starbucks for bringing back these awesome deliciousness that is Pumpkin scones. I swear around fall CALORIES DO NOT EXIST!!!

spoken words.

There are good days and there are bad days. It's not that I haven't been having good days just some days the little vile green monsters want to bring you into the darkness for a bit of a nostalgic free for all. When I start to feel that way I tend to withdrawal myself and find comfort in complete silence. Something I am used to and then the memories roll back in. Messes of mistakes and just distant past conversations. While it's good for the creative processes it's just something that takes me off guard at times. Some days I just wish I had no memories or that the good memories out weighed all the bad but dreams don't come true for me. At least not in this case.

In my heart I am perfectly capable of saying how I truly feel. Over situations and moving on from past situations, then memories present themselves in front of you and you can't help but have a reaction. The way the wind blows, the way a song strikes a chord, and you are right back where you were before. Your heart folding up and falling to the ground. Just another momentary lapse in judgement and now I start back to the beginning. It doesn't matter how many times I look deep into the meaning of things truth of the matter is I am better than all that past juvenile bullshit. I don't need to keep looking into things when clearly things didn't work out for a reason. There's a reason for all this silence and all of this bitterness eventually goes away once something beautiful happens. Until that happens I just find all these memories rather repetitive,  sometimes I find myself out loud saying things I shouldn't say. My heart reassures me how right I am but my voice finds a way to say how much I am feeling without giving too much away.

It goes without saying that my memories just show everything I have been through and how much I still have left to go through. The more I find myself on the floor with nostalgia the more I realize how much I am able to live and breathe through such a traumatic ordeal. Everyone looks the same in appearance but not everyone harbors the same emotional garbage as the people that have hurt you. It doesn't matter how many things reminds me of the past, I can't bring that back. I wouldn't know what to do if the past repeated itself, it would just be another bullshit attempt of false hopes and bullshit fake happiness. Everything happens for a reason, I just wish that reason came sooner instead of in the future. I am just tired of waiting for answers when all I have left are questions.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

like bernie.

In honor of going to the game tomorrow, for which I am totally stoked on here's this fun little gem.

If you don't get it, it's cool. It's an Oakland thing baby.

Current Needs. 9/13/2012

These are all the items that I currently need at the moment.

1. Macbook Pro.
My laptop has proven to be super unreliable for the past couple of years. I absolutely hate it. So I need a new one. This is on my top list of priorities (yes even before paying off mountains of debt, hey YOLO right?)

2. Derek Lam dress from 2007. I saw Michelle Williams wear this dress years ago and since then became absolutely obsessed with it, to the point I almost bought one on ebay for $2,100. While I quickly snapped back into reality it is still a pretty dress. AND IT HAS POCKETS!!!

3. Alber Elbaz. Artistic Director of Lanvin. I absolutely adore him and his creations. He always looks as if he's having a great fabulous time. I am not lying when I say I would like to be friends with Alber.

4. Pedicure. If you guys only saw how horrible my feet look right now. I am in desperate need of a pedicure. I am in a need to be pampered.


 5. Macaroons & Champagne. I've sort of been wanting a day to be dressed up in a frilly dress and drink Champagne and eat macaroons and watch Marie Antoinette. Of course one accomplishes these things once they are out of the home that they currently share with their parents. None the less I want this to happen.
6. "Is Everyone Hanging out without Me? by Mindy Kaling. I've actually been wanting this book since it came out and haven't gotten around to getting it. Lazy I know. I have a huge list of books I need to finish and need to buy. None the less I will get around to buying it soon.

What is love?

To be honest this post has been written and rewritten about a million times over. It's been deleted, saved, and then erased. Maybe that's what happens when you think about what is truly troubling you. Not that there is anything troubling me but sometimes glimpses in the past make you very aware of who you were then as opposed to the person you are today. So as I stated in the title "what is love?" I found myself reading stories for the past week about personal struggles and strengths and the will to continue on. It's not just a love for another person it's the love you have within yourself to be stronger. With that stated here goes nothing.

A couple of years ago I had my heart broken. It was more than just emotional and physical verbiage it was everything. I can't just pinpoint that moment when everything just feel apart but this huge domino effect lead to so many fucked up things. Life broke my heart and to cope with the pain I escaped to a sort of numb reality that at the time only I could understand. When you're in such a terrible dark place you surround yourself with people you think understand you. A sort of toxic friendship with people you wanted to keep on the surface instead you let into your life and they found a way to twist everything you've done into a million pieces of vile shit. To be honest I knew better, I knew from the bottom of my heart everything I was doing was wrong. I didn't care. I drank too much, I abused prescription pills, I hurt myself in ways I could never forgive myself for. I was hurting for failed attempts of life and failed accomplishments and my skin and insides paid the price for everything I was feeling at the time. I didn't trust anyone. I couldn't talk to anyone. I confided in only my demons and drunken word vomit I would come up with at the time. If I made a joke about my failures it made people laugh, then I wouldn't feel as if was lost. I didn't have an excuse to feel the way I did. I had everything a person could ask for and yet I was so unhappy with everything. It's that moment you look into your life and realize "this isn't what I had visioned my life to be" and I lost it.

When you're at your weakest you begin to realize who your friends are. While I did have my heart broken by a completely vile and emotionally disturbed person that was only the tip of the iceberg. Everything I hid and harbored inside didn't come close to the feelings of being hurt. When I stopped drinking, and literally stopped talking I counted on one hand the people that came to see me. When I saw that number I didn't see it as a number of truth I saw it as a number of failure. You loved me when I was on fire and you ignore me when I am at my weakest. If I didn't matter to many people why should it matter that I was gone. Even with the handful of people at my side I felt alone. How did I get to this point of feeling so loved to feeling as if I had nothing. My emotions went into over drive and I spent countless hours on the bathroom floor crying and praying for the strength to just leave this life. Luckily I didn't while I won't go into full detail I can say that when you reach that point of no return a part of you inside does die. Maybe not in the physical aspect but who ever that was hiding inside of me and being completely vile they're gone. It took me years to realize that was my wake up call, and those handful of people that saved me don't really know the impact they have made in my life.

I will be honest its been a hard couple of years. It's taking me years to fully feel like a human being and outstanding member of society but I no longer feel the need to be in so much pain as I had been years prior. While I no longer harbor those vile thoughts, I will say that I haven't hurt myself in over 4 years, and I have been able to keep food down for over a year and a half. That may not seem like a long time but it's an accomplishment in my own personal struggles. Every day is a battle and while I may not be where I need to be at the moment I know someday and somewhere I will be. Accomplishments are not done in a day but the day that everything falls into place I will never forget where I came from. The moment you surround yourself in a positive atmosphere with equally positive people everything changes for you. You no longer feel the need to hide your feelings when you find the right people in your life and forever I am grateful to the wonderful people in my life.

Life isn't always easy. We are always going to have struggles but it's the strength that we find within ourselves daily that show us how much we can endure. Truth of the matter is we honestly don't know everyone struggles and behind the makeup and smiles are at times tears of pain. If you can help yourself in your struggles you have the power to make a change and impact into someones life. We are not perfect by any means and thinking that a person's true emotions are a sign of weakness is completely ignorant way of thinking. We are not alone in our struggles and honestly to find love within ourselves we find the will to love ourselves completely.

This week is more then just "Suicide Prevention" Week, it's a week to be more aware and more informed. If you haven't already check out To Write Love on Her Arms organization, PLEASE DO SO. They're absolutely wonderful and informative organization.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

current obsessions 9/12/12

In honor of my favorite month, September Fashion month I have acquired a collection of my favorite fashion obsessions for the week.

1. Natalia Vodianova. Alexander McQueen "Oyster" dress.
I have actually been obsessed with this dress for years. I cannot even tell you what its like to see this dress in person but it's absolutely breath taking. Whether you love fashion or not this dress is just absolutely striking and the workmanship behind its structure absolutely mind blowing. There is no other dresses like this dress and it will forever be one of my top favorite dresses.

2. Coco Rocha.
There are many words to describe Coco physically but to describe her as a person I would say she's very humbling. I find her absolutely informative, witty, and down right fantastic. How she commands the runway is no question but how she commands a stage and views it's absolutely amazing. If you don't already follow her on twitter or instagram I recommend you do she's absolutely lovely.

3. Oscar De La Renta.
There is no question without a doubt who my favorite designer is. Since the first time I laid eyes on of his dresses 1998 I have never been more mesmerized by beauty then I have by all of his creations season after season. He only gets better and more magnificent with every season and every year I want to absolutely go in debt just to wear one of this beautiful creations. All I know is that no matter who I marry, I will be wearing head to toe Oscar De La Renta.

4. The September Issue.
For any fashion enthusiast if you haven't watched "the september issue" I recommend you do so right away. Not only does it show you behind the scenes happenings of one of the nations most notorious fashion magazines but if gives you more of the insight of the people behind the fashion bible. I assure you, you will not be disappointed.

She don't believe in shooting stars...

I've been in a weird sort of mood. Maybe it's the craving for more adventure or just the need to be out of my element every once in a while. I realized how much I truly miss being in a larger scale city. Not to say I don't still have my small town haunts but being lost in something thats completely unfamiliar to me is something absolutely divine. Completely soaking in the last couple of weeks. Then coming back home and trying to find my niche into things. I do believe you need two vacations. One vacation to get out of your comfort zone and the second to come back to reality.

Man why can't life always be this easy.

I've been rather lucky. I can't complain about how life has been lately. I've done more in 3 months then I have in two years. Partly I contribute that to the wonderful friends I have and second because of the fact that I am unemployed. No matter. Who said you can't have fun in crazy circumstances.

Well I'll be back to post more, just gotta wrap my head around some things and get the ball rolling on the other. I should be back to tip top order by next week. Until then here's to more adventures and lots to talk about.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Bitter is the new black.

Obviously I tend to harbor a lot of resentment over a lot of emotional bullshit. I am who I am. I can't change that. I can grow from my bullshit emotions but as much as I over come my emotions I can't forget everything that's happen. I used to believe that the word Loyalty meant something to people. The only thing that words means is how much choosing a side is going to benefit you in the future. Hey I understand everyone is on their own hustle. Everyone has to make a living. You have to do you in every aspect and hopefully it all works out. When it doesn't work out, what exactly are you going to do?

I speak from truth and I speak from a place way in the bottom of my heart. You know that dark hidden place that the little gremlins stay. Some call it hate I call it a better understanding of the human race. Not every one has the same mentality as myself or the friends I surround myself with. Just sometimes I wish there was a handbook you could give people to stop being completely stupid. How much can you emphasis to people that what they are doing is wrong? How much air do you have to waste for people to fully understand where you are coming from? It's to the point that I am done being nice. I am done just trying to understand people. Truth is I don't like many people. I don't. It goes far beyond things that have happened to my life personally. It's hard for me to see good people continue getting dicked around by terribly vile people. It's hard for me to continue seeing people not fully understanding where you're coming from. People will never put themselves in your shoes until the same has happened to them. It's only then that they come around expecting forgiveness and everything to go back to the way it was before. I can't let the past dictate my future but I can allow it to push me through the obstacles I am facing at the moment. While I don't see forgiveness in the cards for some people I do see a lot of "well now you see where I am coming from".

How long does it take for Karma to come through? I know karma doesn't come back in the way that it should but sometimes I wish people to feel completely hurt. Maybe its the pain in their misery that will make me feel better. I just want to see people suffer for the wrong they have caused. Its wrong to say that but its that moment where I can say "I told you so" that will make me feel better. I don't care where you're coming from, I could give a shit about your struggles. I just want people to know how bad it hurts inside sometimes. Eventually it will happen.

If it doesn't happen eventually the universe tends to unfold itself as it should. Just don't expect me to be forgiving and understanding when your whole world falls apart. Please believe I will laughing on the end of your unhappiness.

Current Obsessions 8/22/2012

1. I was in San Francisco in one of my many adventures and came across this chocolate bar. I am not a huge Dark Chocolate fan but literally one bite of this chocolate is not only addicting it's what I would imagine tears would taste like in chocolate form. Needless to say I want this every day of my life because I tend to eat my feelings. 

2. Kate Moss for Rimmel Lipsticks. Okay not only is she one of my top 10 favorite model (she's number 2) but her lipstick collection for Rimmel is absolutely amazing. The colors are completely flawless and stay put but also stay completely moisturizing. I totally recommend the nude shades absolutely stunning color. 

3. Billy Beane. General Manager and Part Owner of the Oakland Athletics. Living in Northern California you are either one of two things. A San Francisco Giants fan or a Oakland Athletics fan, I have been lucky enough to be raised an Oakland Athletics fan (with a minor in SF Giants). Much can be said and has been said about Billy but what we can all agree on is that he has a vision and true heart and love for the game. While we as fans may not understand his logic in what I like to call the billy beane social experiment he completely looks out for the best interest in the team and every season pushes forward to make a bigger and better team. 

4. Movie Scores / Soundtracks. Lately I've been so disgusted with the current state of music that I've been looking to the scores and melodies of films for inspirations. Lately the scores that have stuck out are "The Social Network" and "Moneyball". 

Reality vs. Fantasy.

Those countless years of the film industry fabricating all these lies giving me false expectations of how I wish my reality truly was. From the girl getting the guy, to the beautifully orchestrated happy reconciliations, all these false hopes and severely high expectations for mere mortals to relate to. Is it all just some beautiful lie that we buy into to hide from the harsh reality of every day life. We strive for this cinematic perfection with just the right lighting instead of seeing the supreme bigger picture at hand. We expect so much out of people that when people show us their sincere honesty we can't take it. Instead we formulate this excuse to why it never works out and instead of giving into the reality we fight to keep the fantasy alive. All too well we keep believing that good triumphs over evil and the sun shines at the end of every dark tunnel.

I can't help but want to believe there is some reality in the fantasy. That the whole film industry isn't completely bullshit. They had to start from somewhere right? Truth of the matter is you root for the underdog in stories, you want that happy ending at the end of complete tragedy and you want things to be better. We all want that. The more I formulate day dreams in my mind even in my twisted mind set I want people to change. I want people to truly do what they tell me they're going to do. I want actions instead of bullshit lines I've been fed all my life. The only truer existence you can have is to be completely and brutally honest with the person you care the most about it. I guess that's what I want to believe, it's what I've been taught with countless scenes I've dissected. Even in day dreaming you wake back into reality. People don't change unless they want to change. People will always choose the easy way out instead of struggle. It's all just one big fucked up reality.

I stopped seeing the good in people when the fantasy stopped. The severe realization that reality will always out way the fantasy. The only underdogs are the ones that never stop dreaming even after reality tells them no. I guess this makes me the fool and the dreamer. I just won't stop believing that somehow some where there is good in the one person I always believed was a good person. I just hope that when that time comes to see it, it won't be too late.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Failure to launch.

I've realized how much of my own worst enemy I can be. I've started really studying the way I interact with people and realize that a lot of my frustration comes from a lot of harbored emotional garbage I keep inside. Of course I've come a long way from the years of self hating but it's those scars that seem to stay visible when people come into play. This fear of letting people down has always been my greatest unhappiness. Then again I have to realize how much of my own happiness I have  set aside to make others happy. Instead of starting something new I fall back into familiar standings and continue handicapping my ways of thinking and saying things that I know I shouldn't say.

The fear of human interaction just catapults into a mini series of emotions. Some days I just absolutely love people but on average I find myself really loathing the human race. It could be because I haven't always been treated so nicely, or the fact that my home was completely violated by strangers or the fact that I just wish I knew people's intentions. Multiple times have I stated how hard it is for me to trust people. It wasn't until recently was I truly able to baby steps my way into thinking that I could trust another human being again. It's just little things I can't deal with; the need to always be right, the need to always be so bluntly and brutally honest but most of the time I am just afraid. Afraid of the same thing happening to me repetitively and just being hurt again. I've gotten so used to my loneliness that any elements to distract that leave me completely motionless and suspicious of peoples intentions. Paranoia sits in and I just think it's only a matter of time until these people hurt me like the others. I shouldn't think that way. It's just this old way of fully getting over things.

The fear of rejection. It happens to everyone on more than one occasion. I have good days and on average rather splendid days but it's those off days that absolutely frighten me. Rejection happens I am aware. I know I shouldn't have fear but it's that fear of not just rejection but the feeling of being a complete failure that follows suit. It's a huge step to get up and do something great but to convince a whole multitude of people that you're great is hard. Its also why I just start so many projects and lose interest so quickly its not that I don't feel as if what I am doing is good enough it's just wanting people to feel so strongly as I do about it. It could also be that need to be right again but that's everyone. Lets just clarify that I am always right though, okay?

How does rejection and human interaction come into play in my life. It just seems every day I am just trying. Being patient, finding peace then something sets me off and I just can nit pick and point out every flaw in everything I see. Maybe it's my culture that comes into play that never ending need to find perfection or it's my whole species what ever it is it's just not right. I can't be jealous of people that try. I can't nit pick everything because it doesn't fit into what I am thinking. I know that. It's hard when everyone has tried to categorize you into a million different molds that you've never fit into and now that you've freed yourself from those type of people you find yourself doing the same to others. I guess you're never truly free until you can find goodness within yourself. Until then you can truly let go of these fears and embrace happiness.

Maybe I'll truly never know but as the days of the year come to an end I just wonder where I'll be next year. Hopefully I get out of this bullshit way of thinking and into a new era of life. I know I'll get there, I know I'll be free but it's just that moment from here to there that just frightens me. The unknown, the uncertainty. I just want to know now.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Celeste and Jesse Forever.

While there have been countless films about relationships and moving on, never has there been a more true account of moving on than Celeste and Jesse. It's a refreshingly original film about subjects most of us as film goers can agree on. Moving on is not just some smooth transaction we can get to easily. With the wonderful stylings of Celeste we see a her go from strong to jaded to naive to bitter to moving on. We have all been Celeste on numerous occasions. While it harbors the same characteristics of some of its predecessors (500 days of Summer, Like Crazy) this has a very amazingly joyous, humorous, and breath taking aspect of a completely real film. This has to be the one film I can completely relate to on so many levels and  am still even at this moment dissecting it and fitting it into moments in my life. Brilliantly written, amazingly well acted just an all around great film. RUN do not walk to see this film.


Where were you when I needed you. 

I tend to think about things after I've witnessed on countless occasions a song, a line, a memory or a feeling that brings it back to a familiar past I have tried to suppress for a while. Truth is I don't know whats real anymore. I used to believe that people had a way of showing you who they are through pain they were dealing with but after the pain has faded and the misery has left what are we left with? I feel cheated. I feel like I used to know someone that only exists in fragments of despair. What was it that you used to say? I was the only person that ever truly understood you. Who knows how much of that was fabricated to save your own sanity I just knew I grew more insane just trying to think of new ways to try to make the memories of you stay.

Memories are just that. Just some distant reminders of the past. Good or Bad they stick within our souls scaring the remains of our broken hearts. Truth is I find myself falling for memories that don't exist of people that weren't true. Times that were closer to the end that I ever imagined. Some days I wish I could just return all of those words, all the times I was vulnerable because it was all for the wrong person that didn't deserve my cherished memories. It hurts more because I have a tendency to believe people when they say they will never hurt you. Some how I just have that silly notion that words people say are their word. Reality hits and my fantasyland way of thinking crumbles to the ground with all the other beautiful lies I've been told.

I know people change or are capable of change but you are not. Maybe it's because your words I tend to take with a grain of salt. All those times you put me down, all those times you called out my flaws, all those times you made me believe I was the crazy one. I just think back of all the times I was there and I listened to every word and now I just realized it was all bullshit. I know you've apologized. I know you gave me some bullshit excuse of your genetic makeup but the truth of the matter is I don't believe you and I never will. You give out apologies like you give out a handshake just fake and phony like a politician. You've given out too many reasons and examples of who you really are that I have lost count on your attempts to be a "good" person.

This isn't bitterness talking. This isn't the hurt or the pain I've been through. This is just me being honest. While I don't hate you, I hate the situation you put me through. This whole lying facade you fed me. That's worse than all the other superficial bullshit. Truth is you made me believe so many bullshit lies that now my perception of love has change. My trust has been broken on so many levels. This is just one more person I have to keep things on a surface with. One more person I have to pretend that it doesn't hurt what you've done. Things happen, people change. You just stayed the same vile person and I praised you for it. While it is my fault for letting people treat me the way they did but I didn't deserve any of it. Did I deserve people to make me feel so insecure, so hurtful? Of course not but I didn't know that at the time.

It always takes a second look to realize all you've been through. Realize what you want in your life and what you can do without. I praise the strength I feel inside I just sometimes wish this strength didn't come because of such a disastrous mess of a person I used to be. I guess that's how all stories end. From tragedy to triumph and the will to move on.

Grow with love.

There have been just about every variation about moving on I can think of. From letting by gones be by gones, to moving forward and recently growing with love. While I find all of those absolutely touching, they are just about the biggest piece of shit excuse I have ever heard. Mainly because I am American, I am stubborn, and because of my dual citizenship that makes me a severely bitter hateful person at times. Grow with love? What kind of hippie saying is that?

While I do believe there is a time for everything some times just come up better than others. How can we mend a broken relationship with a person when everything just gets swept under a rug? I speak candidly about this because I feel as if I am in a weird place. That place between getting over what troubles me and just lashing out every obscenity I can think of to heal my heart. While I don't think it's fair that most people get a "get out of jail" card sometimes I just want for the sake of sanity to have things go back to the way they used to be. I have lost out on so much time that I will never get back with my stubbornness and now I am afraid that too late is just too late.

There's a laundry list of issues I have at hand. This person choose sides. This person choose friends over family on numerous occasions. This person has always had everything handed to him. Here I sit thinking I was your number one supporter, I rooted for you when no one else would, I helped you out on more than one occasion and all this silence is the thank you I got? They didn't even try to help mend this relationship. Time again it's I that has to fix everything. While we have similarities in our struggles I am the one that's strong enough to not ask for anything and you sit with your hands asking for countless hand outs. I just don't think it's fair sometimes. Maybe it's a culture thing, maybe it's being raised completely different. Its just hard to not feel the way I do about a lot of things.

Eventually through time we find strength through our struggles. I know time does eventually heal all wounds and while I will not always get the apology or the recognition I deserve I will find some aspect of peace in all of this.

Well if none of that hippie bullshit works I can always just go to Valencia street and find a nice Santeria store to help me with all my issues.

Either way. I win.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

what drives you.

Every day your dreams have a way of shaping who you are from beginning to end. From the way you find inspiration to the way you find the drive to get to where you need to be. It's sort of crazy to think how in one split second anything can change your way of thinking. The young person that once thought they would live forever to the grown adult that believes life is happening too fast. There was never that fear of death, just that fear that life ends shortly before it had a chance to begin.

Being an observer in a world full of over achievers is crazy. The more I sit back and watch people the more I study their mannerisms and wait for that moment to inch my way through. I may seem to look as if I am not doing much but the reality is I am doing far too much for my well being. Its that moment where you dreams start scaring into your reality and you find a fear to sleep. All those thoughts that formulate in your mind and you can't help but wonder how and when it's going to happen. There was never a doubt in my mind it would happen it was just a matter of finding the strength of when. Fear has always clouded my doubts but now I just realized that the more I doubt the more I handicap my dreams.

The drive to be better catapults my dreams. Move forward my vision and jump starts my reality. The need to find my purpose instead of standing on the sidelines watching everything and everyone go by. The need to prove to the people that I was always right in a world of judgemental views and doubters. I just want that moment of feeling that everything I have been fighting for was for a purpose not just some get out of jail card. I have so much riding on simple ideas and the reality of it is I could fail miserably and I know I will be just fine.

All I want out of life is to find what makes me happy and continue doing it for the rest of my life. Is that so hard to ask?

Monday, August 6, 2012

Sam Riley.

Sam Riley. Sam Riley is one of those actors that comes along in a great while and falls completely under the radar. Sure he was superb in "Control". Absolutely great in "Brighton Rock". Sure he hasn't reached that mega fan as so many more well known actors but who's to say that he won't soon enough. He has a sort of cryptic emotion of absolutely transforming himself into a character and having this character dig deep into your soul. I find him absolutely fascinating and stunning to watch. He is defiantly a person to watch for and with the highly anticipated "On the Road" coming out soon he's sure to gain attention for his sincere magnetism on screen.