Saturday, August 13, 2011

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies...

Liar, Liar

In my quest for finding the most imperfect person I tend to find myself intrigued by the banshees that are the groups of Liars. Lying. Stretching the truth. Shady. Suspect. It’s all grouped together in one huge manifest of a go fuck yourself. Maybe I am a villain in this story but after all the years of being a victim its hard to say which is easier to be.

I’ve lied about everything: feelings, coming and goings, prices, spending habits and for what reason? I used to think I had the most strictest parents which isn’t a too far cry from the truth. I felt sheltered and to break any of the mold that they had perceived as me was forbidden so I lied. I had gotten to be pretty good at it when my friends had even come to me about making up lies. I don’t really consider that a highlight of my life but all those drama classes in middle school and high school did prepare me for those moments in my life. When you feel like your life has been preplanned for you before you had a chance to speak you tend to gravitate towards everything that isn’t on the straight and narrow path. It was easy to make things up to say I was in one place and not the other because in your teenage wasteland mind frame you honestly believe people are against you and what you’re doing isn’t wrong. So I would spend my evenings lying to my parents about my social happenings because after all what is a little white lie if its not hurting anyone? Not to mention I am an adult so I know how to take care of myself.

I was wrong.

Lies are lies. They’re just no other way of putting it. Trust is broken and at the end of the day the tiny lie you make can manifest into a web of complete and utter bullshit once you’re found out. Trust me a lot of my prior lies comes back to hunt me and revelation is not so pretty when you’re an adult. With all that lying I did I learned how much I despise when others lie to me about things. Friends, family, even best friends have lied to me. Lied to protect my feelings, lied to save their own asses and lied thinking I would never find out. It’s true, lies are lies and I’ve always preached be upfront about how you feel, tell me what’s going on but instead others feel the need to hide things from you or just not seem to care about your feelings. I guess I’ll never truly understand human beings, they have this need to sabotage one another for no reason at all. What’s accomplished by all this lying? You lose trust, you lose the people you care about and more importantly you lose the person you are because of it. I’ve seen so much hatred, so much disgust come from lies and for what? To prove your right? To prove your better than someone else? When you spew out lies all you’re ever going to receive is the worst coming to you.

Trust is a huge thing, life with out trust isn’t a life it’s a lie. I could count on one hand the number of people I trust and out of all those people the only person I can trust is myself. Trust no one and no one will let you down. I’ve had too many people lie to me in my life that I wonder if having people in my life is worth it. I keep myself very guarded to begin with but this force field around my life just hurts in wanting any human comfort. What’s the point I’m just going to get more lies instead of the truth and that absolutely breaks my heart.

Recently I had someone I truly cared about break my heart and my trust. All for the sake of the story I'll state I didn't see it coming. I can call out every liar for what they are a mile away but with this person I was not only hurt but shattered. This person was my best friend and chose to behind my back hang out with a person that also broke my heart. I wasn't mad that she hung out with this person because honestly you can be friends with who ever you want to be friends with but to find out they were hanging out not by her saying anything but from social networks it's like REALLY? I just think it's rather funny I'm sobbing to you about everything that happened with this person and you can't even tell me you're hanging out with them? I was upset, I was hurt and stopped being friends with this person for almost a year now. I think about this person all the time, miss this person but I can't help but still feel shattered by it. You broke my trust, you lied to me how can I forget about it and move on?

When someone lies to you, breaks your trust can you ever really just move on? My only way to do it is to ignore and break free from this person cold turkey. Don't talk to them until I have healed and after I have forgiven them in my heart then I can truly move on. People make mistakes, people get second chances but it's up to you to truly see if people have changed. I guess I just hope this time around things change.

I guess it's up to each of us individually to move on and be an adult about things. It's also up to you to keep your guard up because once a liar always a liar just don't be afraid to call out one when you see one.

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