Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Speak now..

Forget summer love. There must be something in the coolness of this soon to be fall air that’s driving everyone absolutely bat shit crazy. It’s like everywhere I turn its either weddings, engagements, relationships or babies. All I have to say is ….GROSS. Perhaps I am just not in the mood for love but everywhere I go it just keeps following me. While I am overjoyed by everyone’s happiness I guess I just feel suffocated by all these public displays of affection. With my cousin’s wedding coming up, my niece bound to pop, my friends in their serious relationships and let us not forget the liberal media with their songs, movies, I’m exhausted.

Call me a hater, I’ve been called worse. Honestly I am just tired of life right now. Just with work, people, family I honestly want a good couple months to just regroup and shake shit out of my system. Maybe I’ll have a better understanding of “Love” after I come back from my year hiatus. It’s just that at this state I am in; love has done me wrong in every aspect I can think of and just to be surrounded by it I just can’t even begin to function. I know I’ve heard time again “You’ll know when you know” or “It’ll happen” but what if I don’t want it to happen? What if I have exhausted all aspects of love that I am done with it? I do have love in my life. Towards my family, friends, and life but to find love for one person I just can’t seem to grasp how that actually happens. Maybe it’s just seeing how everyone changes who they are to be in love or even how I myself had done the same it just makes me sick. I am not better than love but sometimes in my mind frame I am.

There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ve taken a different life path then most of my peers. While everyone went to school, found careers, got married, had kids, or even just one of those things, I didn’t. It started out that way. Work, school, work, school, I just wasn’t feeling it. I have such an anxiety when it comes to school environments so any chance I could take that away I did. So instead I joined my two best friends at the time just doing what we loved and after that was over, here I am just trying to make a career out of memories. I do not in any way shape or form regret my decision. If anything; if it wasn’t for those days it wouldn’t have brought me to the people I am associated with now. Wouldn’t have allowed myself to know what true friendship is about and I wouldn’t have come up stronger in the end. Yet there are days I wonder to myself if I had made the “right” choice, I know deep down that this is my destiny to go through this entire struggle to come up victorious but sometimes I wonder how differently my life would have been. Would I be married and miserable, would I even still be on this earth? Everything happens for a reason. I see so many of my peers still searching for something, wishing they had done differently and I know I’m happy with what I’ve accomplished. It’s still weird though. Who knows.

With Love, I don’t know it’s weird. I will say I was burned. I barely had a chance to enjoy it before it was taken away. All this bitterness I feel and with everything I’ve written about it I am just over it. I see how people deal with it and it drives me to have this fear. I am not ready for any of it to happen to me any time soon. I’ve had attempts and the more I repress it the more I just wonder if I keep pushing it away how will I know it’s going to come back to me in the end. There so much still left to do before I enter my 30’s and none of it involves having relationship. None of it involves falling in love. I don’t want to date anybody; I don’t want to be bothered. I just can’t bare hurting someone’s feelings like mine had been done before. Is it wrong to just want to kiss someone and then bid them good day. Just no feelings attached to it? The love that I want I don’t feel it even exists, it’s not real. Maybe somewhere after everything in my life works I’ll understand it better but I just don’t care. I tried, I failed miserably and now it’s just picking up the pieces and moving on. That’s what love is right? Love is nothing but moving on until you find something you’re happy with. I’m just tired of being force feed all these ideas of being in love and wanting to be in love when I don’t even want to be in love. If you want me to feel differently you’re going to have to ask nicer than that.

Whatever.

As I sit changing appointment times for bridesmaid dresses fittings, going over days off for weddings, baby showers, and think to myself that could have been me. Thank god it isn’t.

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