Monday, August 15, 2011

The prettiest people do the ugliest things...

Being a female is one of the hardest individuals to be in life. There’s so much pressure that society puts on us to be beautiful. Most of us don’t know any better and fed into it. Size, weight, appearance it’s this huge mental cycle that drives a majority of us all mad. It’s sad to see that our future generations are basing heroes on Reality TV stars based on their beauty; their need for attention as opposed to women in public office whom are making a difference in the world. What do I know I fall victim to the gloss and glamour of every glossy magazine, the beautiful people and I just punish myself wondering why I don’t look as beautiful as they do.

Let’s go back to the beginning.

I am a female. I am emotional, I care too much and like a majority of the female society I have struggled with my weight since I was in the 5th grade. I was a small child and noticed I was gaining weight right around the 4th grade. I hated it. I didn’t really come from a very sensitive family so any chance to poke fun at my weight and appearance was always met with laughs but I don’t think parents understand that making fun of a child isn’t going to motivate them to lose the weight it’s basically just going to drive them insane. I know because instead of motivating myself to be active I just kept eating to ease my pain. This went on for countless years until I literally ballooned to about 200 lbs around my 21st birthday. I just didn’t care at that point, I thought to myself if people didn’t like me for who I am then fuck them. Surface wise I acted like it didn’t bother me, inside I was miserable. By my 23rd birthday I had it.

No one really prepares you for what you do to achieve your level of "perfection" but I will state that I did anything and everything I could to lose the weight. Diet pills, counting calories, laxatives and at times vomiting up my food to just either lose the weight or to maintain the weight that I was content with. Truth was I was miserable, exhausted and most importantly hungry. I didn't know what I was doing but when you're trying to fit this mold that people label you in, you will do just about anything to stay there. By my 26th birthday I had a mental breakdown. I couldn't take it anymore I was in severe pain and I knew that the worse it would get I would need help. So after my birthday I just stopped everything and tried to lead a healthy life. Exercising, keeping active and still I never achieved the level of "fit" I had when I was hurting myself. It's sad to say that I miss that body, but that wasn't my body; it was a demon hurting myself to make that body.

Truth is it's hard. I am an emotional eater and with the death of Josh, moving back home, demise of some of my friendships I gained 40 pounds and it's been a struggle to take the weight off. I find myself throwing up on some months and others just limiting my intake of food and I know it's not healthy but I wish I could say that it's easy. Everything we do to be beautiful only makes us uglier. I wish it was easy like everyone said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder that we don't need to hurt in order to be pretty but how can we believe that when we see a whole industry based on looks? I guess personally for me I know it's hard, it's a struggle and I know eventually I'll find peace with myself and my body.

Until that time I shall wait until this ugly duckling phase is over.

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