Tuesday, August 9, 2011

my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth..

Lately I've just been feeling a huge sense of disconnect. My thoughts are so far away from my soul the more I try to reach out to them they constantly disappear. My dreams are becoming rather weird, twisted, and life like. If only I could just escape to my dreams I wouldn't feel this way. I have so much power over my dreams I wonder how to transpire that into my reality. I guess it's just the constant working, suffocating and need to be inspired. Tired of the mediocre bullshit and ready to just get on with what I need to do.

It's weird. I feel so lonely sometimes. Not in the way that I want a male companion or to be desired but just in the sense that I wish there was a person that felt, wanted, says the things that I say without me having to tell them my opinions. Some days its just hard to sort of try and explain to people the way I think of things or the way I see things in my eyes to people that only see things on the surface or just hear things through words. Sometimes its nice to be completely still completely silent and just want someone to sit there and do the same. Share a cigarette, smoke some weed and listen to music.

Listening to old records, taking about a different time period just wanting something I'm not even sure exists anymore.

It's weird to see people you use to hold on such a high pedestal and look at them like a complete stranger. I used to believe I loved Cedric that I would die without him and seeing him now I just don't feel much of anything. Times are different and people change and I feel nothing. It's not a bad thing I'm glad its here but its also this huge wall of wanting to say so much and just keeping everything inside. Reality is that it sucks. The one person you wish you could tell everything to you can't because to you they no longer think the same way you do. Maybe they never did to begin with. Who knows.

Maybe this is my test to see how much I can learn about myself until my reward comes through. I sure hope so because all this sad, mediocrity bullshit sucks.

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