Sunday, August 7, 2011

lost at sea you'll see..

you would think after a moments notice things would change that deep down how you feel this hurt this sadness would disappear...but it doesn't. It's like you're burying your heart but you can still hear the sound of it beating. There's this anxiety that shakes me from my toes to my fingers and I just can't let it disappear. I can't make it stop. No matter how many times I've tried to silence the sound the more it returns louder never disappears. It doesn't make sense to the outside word but that's exactly how I've been feeling for the past couple of months.

It started with a death and ends with a constant silent struggle deep inside of you. I will never say I'm over Josh's death even talking about it last night and having each of us recount a story of visiting his grave site and feeling peace around him it's still hard. I guess just always imagining he would always be there. Of course he's still with us, around us but lately in my despair I found myself thinking about him more and more.

I'm a broken record but I've never really truly expressed how much he meant to me and how much I cared about him. In all honestly he was the only person I have ever known to never make me feel like I wasn't less of a person. He never made me feel like I had to change myself to fit in any mold, he could be surrounded by a million people but would treat everyone like they were his number one. I guess I just miss that genuineness of him. That no matter how angry he made me about stupid superficial things he was always there. He was always a phone call away and if we needed him for anything he was always there. I miss that. I miss having someone that didn't ask for anything from me aside from being myself. It was less lonely having him around and now I just feel so lost.

I guess this is me really coming to terms with his death. Coming to terms with this depression this sadness and everything I've done to hurt myself in so many ways. I miss him, I miss him so fucking much.