Monday, August 22, 2011

In my head, it's only in my head..

It's hard to explain anxiety to someone who has never experienced it. It's one of the most nerve wrecking things an individual will ever have to go through on their own. It's not something you can turn on and off, it hits you out of no where when you least expect it and it takes what feels like a lifetime to get over. Of course I would know. I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for what seems like an eternity. Even more so lately with everything going on in my personal and work environment I honestly wish I could just turn everything off and lie in complete silence.

Sometimes that's what we all need. Just a couple hours of complete silence. Complete disconnect of the world just to relax and regroup ourselves. I wish that everyone else thought that way. That it was just that easy. Its this anger inside of us that doesn't allow it to happen sometimes. We are so angry about everything superficial we forget to appreciate how much we truly do enjoy life. I am a happy person but because of so many different outside influences it's hard to truly appreciate everything I have in front of me. I see the beauty, I see the joy but it's so clouded by my own thoughts that I have a hard time finding what I love.

Maybe that's where all the writing comes into play. I write because it's the only thing that can group all my sentiments into words I can explain to people. Even if it comes out the wrong way outloud at least in the written form I release everything I have inside of me. Lately my anxiety hasn't been getting the best of me. Running, walking, singing, shouting and even this I'm doing makes everything so small inside. The need to get out and enjoy life, keep this fire inside of me and because of it is how much I know what I am doing is right.

I love my life, I love what I am doing to get there. I just can't wait til I can do everything fulltime instead of when I can find the energy to do it.


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