There is so many vile and horrible things and it saddens me to say that sometimes I possess such vile and horrible qualities. Sometimes I wish I could just turn these feelings off but when you've been wronged in so many ways it's hard not to feel that way.
My brother is a stranger in my life and honestly it's sad to say that I hardly ever acknowledge his existence. It's just repetitively the same thing with him, picking people over family, picking life over family and even picking people he hardly knows over family. See the cycle? I guess I just wish I had some sort of sibling relationship with my brother. Wish that he would honestly care that we don't talk, we don't see eye to eye instead of avoiding each other like the black plague. I wish I had the same respect from him that he has for all his friends but I don't.
It's petty, people read this and think well can't she get over it? NO I can't get over it I wasn't raised to just forget a person that suppose to be blood to me. We're family thick as thieves and we're suppose to have each others backs and it's this never ending betrayal I feel. It's hard for me to understand why people I care so much about tend to stab me in the back time and again. Then out of no where they reappear and want to pretend that an "I'm sorry" solves everything. That's even if I get an "I'm sorry".
I'm done. I'm done with trying, done with pretending and more importantly it's easier to be on my own then pretending I have a family when I don't. I guess I'm just so sick of being forced upon a family that doesn't want anything to do with me unless it's on holidays or birthdays.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
I just hope that nothing bad ever happens to these people that they will need me, because trust me I WILL NOT BE THERE!