Wednesday, April 20, 2016

I'm the writer and he's the muse.

I want to write this down. I don't want to forget it or any single little thing. Because my heart has finally stopped feeling so scared and closed off.

I am ready to date again. Ready to put myself and my heart out there. Ready to finally say goodbye to the demons and hello to the possibility of something different. Not every man is rotten. Not every man is going to break my heart. More importantly not every man is the person who broke me.

I won't hurt anymore. I stopped hurting for a long time now. Its been a while since I cared about what he was doing or haunted by the memories of the past. Sometimes I catch glimpses of the past and sometimes it stings a little. But it can't hurt me anymore.

You can't hurt me. If you haven't looked for me, you'll never find me again. I never loved you and it took me 7 years to realize that. No one could ever love you as much as you love you.

I am ready. I can do this, even if it makes my palms sweaty and makes my heart beat faster. I can do this.

No one can hurt me anymore.

No one.

Monday, August 11, 2014

moved.

I have moved to wordpress.

Been really focusing on myself and getting a lot of demons out. What better way than with writing.

www.thisiswhyIcanthavenicethingsblog.wordpress.com

and if you don't know

Broke City Style is where I do a lot of my fashion/beauty/style posts

www.brokecitystyle.com

go forth my good people!

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

246.

I feel like if I don't write this down, I'll forget about it.

Last night I had the weirdest dream. I know I've had some pretty crazy dreams in the past but this one of all dreams felt differently. It has left this piercing feeling in my heart that I'm not sure I can get over. Just the whole feel of the dream was overwhelming and now truly analyzing it has so many meanings to me.

Dreaming is always weird to me. The dreams I remember are the most haunting dreams. The ones that are always grey and blue in color, like a storm that has just passed and you can still feel that lingering crisp air of the rain. I can feel the chilling wind that's cold enough to seep through your bones but never cold enough to knock you down.

I don't even remember how it started. All I can remember is the colors, the feel, and being outside of my deserted old home on 246.

Little back story on that house. I loved that house. Which is crazy because I always felt that the house was huge. When I went back a few years ago before we sold it, it was so small. I remember running all over that whole house and then being grown up it just seemed so small. I spent some good times in that house, some bad times as well but stormy weathers are what I loved about that house. How well you could hear the echo's of the wind. How hearing the rain hitting the roof sounded absolutely magical. Looking outside and seeing the grass completely damp from the rain, yet turn this absolutely lush green. The house would become completely dark during stormy weather which I absolutely loved. Hiding in the shadows just waiting for the sun to peek out. When we moved I was devastated, but I embraced the change. I just had a hard time coming to terms with leaving that half of my childhood years in that house, into my now teenage years to now in the house I reside in now.

The dream cut to a part of arriving to the front of the house. Just like that moment of when we did our final walk through of the house to say our goodbyes. In my dream I never walk inside the house. I hear my mom inside the house, I turn to my brother who looks about 23 in my dream and I just remember walking to the front lawn of the house. I placed my hands on the cracked paint of the porch and set foot on the grass. Just a flash of memories, mainly photographs of myself running on the grass with my dogs. I grab the leaves from a few of my mom's rose bushes from the garden and just stood in thought. I can't hear anyone. All I hear is the wind from the storm that had just passed. From the front yard I find myself walking toward the backyard. At this point I have Mickey and Baron, which is odd to me. Odd because Mickey never knew the old house and Baron died before Mickey came to the house. So seeing them together was weird. Two of my dogs inside of my house I can only see in dreams now. I remember feeling as if it was going to rain but not feeling the need to go inside with everyone else. I found myself just running around with my dogs and feeling as if I could finally let go. I felt happy at the house, but sad knowing it was my final goodbye.

I've been trying to figure out what that dream means all morning. Mainly because of how haunting it felt. It was as if my heart was telling me something but I haven't mustered up the courage to say. Maybe because all of yesterday I was working on a post talking about letting go and realizing I haven't really let go of a lot of things. I never truly embraced living in my home until about 4 years ago. That house on 246 was always my house. Was always my sense of home. It was the home where my brother and I were actually brother and sister. Where we were actually friends instead of not on speaking terms. It was the house that my older brother stated "this is the only house I remember" and hearing him say that hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't have many memories with my older brother but knowing he has memories of that house brought us closer. The more I dig the more I realize it was time to finally let go of that house. Find myself a new home. That no matter where I went it I would always have that memory of home. Of a place that only exists now in my memory. I loved that home. I always will. How ever much I loved that home I have to finally let go. In my own weird way, my dream was finally saying goodbye. Goodbye to the old memories while bringing forth these new beginnings. I can't wait to see where the road takes me but for this brief moment I just want to transport myself back to that dream. Back to a memory and in my own way finally say my goodbye.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Now I can let these dream killers kill my self esteem..

or use my arrogance as steam to power my dreams...

You ever just watch something on TV and it just hits a little too close to home?

That's how I felt about the Modern Family Episode: Three Dinners.

There's this scene between Phil and Claire, where they believe that Haley isn't doing anything in her life and that she's going nowhere. So they take Haley out to dinner to give her "the talk" and the tables turn. Throughout all the seasons, Haley isn't shown the most positive light. Don't get me wrong she's a fabulous character but on the surface each season is always setting her up to fail. She's either getting in trouble, or getting out of trouble, just not really doing much of anything. It wasn't until that episode and that precise scene that you see Haley for who she is. She's doing something. She's going somewhere. Just because she's not as vocal as everyone else, doesn't mean she's sitting on her ass doing nothing.

That's exactly how I feel.

It honestly makes me wonder how many of my friends and family think the same about me.

Sure they've heard me talk about my dreams. Seen my pathetic attempts of "working", but honestly what do they really think about what I'm doing in my life? Job after Job, I know to the general public it looks unsteady. I know that it looks like I'm not making an effort. The thing is these jobs that you see me in, don't make or break me. They come and they go, and I'm okay with that.

Why is it okay you ask? These jobs are not my career. They are not in the field I plan on being in for the rest of my life. They're stepping stones to pay the bills and get me to where I need to be.

I know I shouldn't care and it shouldn't bother me, but it makes me think about the past. Makes me wonder how many times people have thought that I wasn't going anywhere and what exactly am I doing in my life. With that it makes me think that honestly just because I am not vocal about what I'm doing, doesn't mean I'm sitting on my ass doesn't nothing. Just because I don't post my ideas or my dreams, doesn't mean I'm not going anywhere. I don't need to tell you I'm going somewhere, I have to show you I'm fucking doing it.

I could dwell on this. I could get angry and cuss people out. I could. I really could.

But I won't.

Just means when shit starts popping off. You're going to wonder what exactly you were doing in the time it took me to make something of myself. And I will sit back and laugh and tell you: while you were crying and complaining about your meaningless bullshit, I was fucking hustling.

And that's it.

The hustle is on overdrive bitches.



Monday, February 10, 2014

The College Dropout.

Kanye West. The College Dropout. Feb 10, 2004

When I turned 21,  I lost everything.

I know that sounds really melodramatic. The year I turned 21, I lost my friends, I was kicked out of school, and moments later was kicked out of my house. At the time I had no one I considered a good friend (seems to be a recurring theme in my life), my family life was a complete mess and literally all I had left was 200 dollars to my name, a CD player, some head phones and the album "The College Dropout" by producer turned rapper named Kanye West.

At the time that The College Dropout came out, I was already familiar with Kanye's work. From the countless songs with Jay- Z (H to the Izzo and that sampling from Jackson 5's I want you back), & Talib Kweli. At the exploration of my musical tastes I familiarized myself with what made all my favorite albums tick. From The Beastie Boys to Radiohead to Notorious B.I.G, it was more than just the rhymes and the reason. It was the melody, it was a beat, it was the man behind the curtain that was calling the shots and making all these iconic, memorable albums. I dissected songs, I read liner notes and more importantly I idolized the producers behind these iconic albums more than I did the artists themselves. When Jay-Z's The Blue Print came out, I became infatuated with Kanye West's work. The fact that you could listen to the radio and tell from the first seconds into the song it was a Kanye West produced track. The sounds were bringing hiphop back, taking it back to having a voice and knowing what to say, on the streets with a boombox and a microphone.

The College Dropout was a game changer. Coming from the generations of early hiphop to the glorified gangster rap of the 90s, The College Dropout brought another level of old school hiphop with the social awareness of a new generation. The College Dropout spoke from a new generation of personal struggles. It spoke about pain, disappointment, family, social experiences, expectations, relationships and most of all vulnerabilities. It brought a throwback to the grandfathers of hiphop while blending the samplings of some of the most iconic songs of our hey day. It spoke to a new level of kids that didn't relate to the countless songs on the radio. It made a more humanistic approach to a genre that people found so vulgar and unexplainable. On September 30, 2003 my whole life changed. The moment I heard Chaka Kahn blare "to the fire, to the limit to the wall, for a chance to be with you I'd gladly risk it all..." I knew that at that moment hiphop was making a much needed come back to basics. That song became my anthem, that song became so much bigger than I ever anticipated. When The College Dropout dropped, that CD never left my side. I listened to that album day in and day out. I watched a relatively unknown rapper who was an amazing producer show his vulnerability to the world. The moment when I heard "all falls down" for the very first time, my life changed.

When you start growing up you start believing in all the wrong people. They say when you hit the bottom is when you start realizing who your real friends are. However at the same time you start realizing that people will take advantage of you at your lowest point in your life. Life hasn't always been easy. I've been sick, I've made myself sick, and I've hurt myself all because of so many demons I've held in my heart. To look back at that period in my life, I don't even recognize that person anymore. Every day I wanted to give up and throw my hands up. I was done with the bullshit people, the bullshit pressures, I hated school, I hated my peers and most of all I hated myself for not seeing things clearly. I stopped caring. I stopped believing in myself. I stopped wanting to live the bullshit existence of life. I've already let down so many people in my life, what was the point of living anymore? I was done, I just couldn't do it anymore.

It wasn't until I heard "Man I promise she so self conscious, she has no idea what she doin in college..."

I cried.

I cried until I had nothing left inside. I cried until every tear turned into a dry heave. The moment Kanye said "we all self conscious, I'm just the first to admit", I finally felt someone got it. From All Falls Down, to Jesus Walks then to School Spirit, they weren't just great tracks they were great anthems, they were MY anthems. This wasn't verses about making a quick buck or making a rhyme about just anything. These were words, these were my life, my fears, my dreams, and things I wanted to prove to the world. I couldn't tell you the nights I spent staring at the ceiling and reciting each and every verse of this album. How many times I wrote the lines from the verses that made me stronger. This wasn't just another hiphop album, this was the album that brought hiphop back from the dead. This was the album that brought me back from the sadness and into this never ending hustle mode. I wish I could say that after I heard that album I snapped back into life, but I didn't. It was with this album that I didn't feel alone anymore. I may have felt like shit but I wasn't lonely.

People always ask me what's so special about Kanye West? What makes this asshole your favorite rapper?

Before he dated Kim.

Before his countless toddler tantrums.

He was a person just like me that everyone told wouldn't do shit with his life. He would be better off, if he went to back to school. That he would never make it as a rapper and so he was signed a one album deal that everyone was sure would fail. It was his confidence and all the countless people that said "no" that fueled his power. It was this confidence that fuel powered this iconic album. This drive that proved that at the end of the day the underdog always wins at the end of the story. It gave hope to the hopeless and a reality to the dreamers. To the countless people that felt broken, that had nothing to lose it brought them strength through the darkness.

The College Dropout was more than just another hiphop album. It was the album that showed me that it was okay to steer away from the path others wanted me in. It was the hand that helped me up when I felt so broken to rise up. People say music saves lives, and it does. This album saved my life, my being, and gave me something I had forgotten I had. This album gave me the Hope I desperately needed in my life. Kanye has a way of releasing an album just when I need it in my life. Or showing up in life when I need it the most. But nothing will ever be the moment that 10th day in February of 2004, when I purchased the album from my local Target and telling the guy at the register that this was going to be one of the biggest albums in hiphop history. Nothing will ever be that moment I took the CD out of the case and breathed this album in. This album hasn't left my side and will never leave my heart.

Thank you Kanye West. Thank you for making the music that saved my life.

Some of my moments with Kanye West:


I wrote this Dec 15, 2009 http://ellielopez.tumblr.com/post/285095495 8 days before the below photo. Rolling Stone (or was it Vibe magazine, I can't remember) released the top 100 greatest hiphop albums and The College Dropout made the list.

Kanye West -Kid Cudi Show - Nokia theater - Los Angeles, CA Dec 23 2009. After a brief hiatus, he was a surprise guest at the Kid Cudi show I happened to be at (before being kicked out of my apartment, I tell you he shows up when I need him the most). He sang "The Good Life" and snippets of what soon became "Power" off of My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

Kanye West - Coachella 2011. I purchased tickets on a hunch that he was going to be a headliner. Low and beyond he was not only a headliner but played the last night of the festival. With no surprise acts, no gimmicks, this was by far one of the best performances I had ever seen him. (Better then when I saw him at the Glow in the Dark Tour in 2008). This was the show to be at if you're a Kanye fan. There was no excuse not to be at this show to see this memorable performance.

Kanye West - Watch The Throne - San Jose, CA 2011. I spent a lot of money on these tickets. I'll admit that (WE ALL SELF CONCIOUS IM JUST THE FIRST TO ADMIT IT). There was no headliners. Just 3 hours of music from two of the hottest rappers in the game. Great concept, great banter and honestly wish they would release a live album/dvd of this show. This was a must see for any hiphop fan of Kanye or Jay-Z but Kanye blew it out of the park.



Saturday, February 1, 2014

start all over.

It's weird.

Everything is just weird.

I can't point my finger at it but I can't stand anything. Its like the moment I unpacked my life to come back to reality, I realized how much I want to get rid of. There's so many old memories in my room, I'm just done with. I mean it. EVERYTHING. I'm holding on to a lifetime of complete bullshit and I don't know where to start to begin again.

When did my life become so cluttered with the nostalgia of yesterday?

I've gotten to the point in my life where I just want to get rid of everything. Anything that once brought me joy in some aspect of my life, doesn't do it for me anymore. How much more vacant ghosts of a former past can I continue to hold on to. And it's with everything. Clothes, music, movies, mementos of things. I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep buying things I'll never use. I can't keep holding on to things and believing people will come back for them. I can't keep pretending that these things that once made me happy, will bring me joy in the future. That's not who I am anymore.

I need to get rid of everything. I need to truly just let go of the old vacant part of my life. I need to rid my surroundings with the former negativity I once carried and make space for the new. I can't do it anymore. I can't stay another day looking at bullshit things I don't need.

I just need to let go.

Finally.

Just let go.

And start all over.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

I'm known for running my mouth..

I will not be accountable for what comes out...

It's hard to come to a point of forgiveness when you can't come to an agreement of forgetting. I get it people will never fucking change but sometimes I wish they would. Maybe just spend a day in my shoes and understand where I'm coming from. People think that's all it takes is an apology but truth of the matter is it doesn't.

Maybe I'm beating a dead horse. This whole bullshit becomes so repetitive. I just don't understand why I have to pretend to be okay with another persons bullshit. Why people can get this "get out of jail" card for all their crass behavior and I just have to sit there and forgive. 

Truth is I don't understand how two people raised by the same parents can be so different. I was brought up with putting family first, and yet my brother doesn't have the first concept of family. All he has to do is throw a temper tantrum and he gets his way. He screams his bipolar bullshit and everything gets handed to him. Another 400 dollar check, a 2000 dollar camera, and yet nothing is enough. He doesn't come around for holidays. He doesn't make time for anyone. Doesn't speak to anyone outside of his circle of friends and yet that's okay. 

I'm the bad guy. I'm the one that has to be the considerate person to an immature, irresponsible, spoiled brat. When my abuelito died he had no sense of emotion and blames language barriers. Blames lack of communication. When my mom had her heart attack, he had a moment her first night in the hospital. The moment she got out of the hospital he acted as if nothing was wrong that she was fine. However he wasn't the one taking care of her, driving her to doctor appointments etc. 

Yet.

I'm the one that has to baby a grown ass man?

Have to help him book a flight. Have to help him with his taxes. Have to help him because his whole life people have babied him and he hasn't a clue how to handle real fucking life. 

I'm the bad guy. 

I'm the evil one.

I'm the one that "frankly acts like a teenager"...

Sure I live at home with my parents. I've had issues with money. I have a problem with spending before I get it. I may say and do fucked up things but at the end of the day I still know who I am. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not.  It's sad just knowing that he's been treated like the high prince and I've been treated like the evil stepsister. 

I just think it's sad that instead of growing up you've ended up the male equivalent  of veruca salt. Just one fucking vile species of a person.

It sucks. I wish I had my brother back. Someone that actually loved being with family. Loved making movies and loved to learn new things. That person I used to know has died and with him left the spirit of the person I grew up with.    

I'm done. I don't have fight in me anymore to pretend. People ask about my brother and I honestly say I don't know because I don't talk to him. 

But I'm the bad guy. I'm the rotten person. 

Fuuuuuuuck that.